


Bet You Can't Resist a Protagonist's Charms

by kawaiiryuzaki



Category: Gintama
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon Compliant, Humor, M/M, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, and oh the sexual tension, frenemies to lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:01:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 57,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24706498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiiryuzaki/pseuds/kawaiiryuzaki
Summary: "Women throw themselves at me, just check out the Gintama wikipedia, you nonbeliever. I would go as far as to claim that I could have any woman that I’d want.”Gintoki cannot stop bragging about how his protagonist's charisma and good looks could land him any woman. When he agrees to a bet, he would not have reckoned with this target to demonstrate his abilities.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou & Sakata Gintoki, Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 114
Kudos: 366





	1. If you’re bragging about being a womanizer, you might just be asked to prove it

Taking a long swig from his carton of strawberry milk, Gintoki let out a happy sigh and let the saccharine liquid pour down his throat, joining the liter of pure pink bliss he already downed over the course of the morning. Or at least since he woke up just before noon when the human-wearing glasses snowed into the Yorozuya office, making an enormous racket. He had alternated between nagging like a housewife about the allegedly ‘disastrous’ state the living room was in and complaining about the hundreds of dishes ‘crawling with mould’.

What a joke. There could be no more than eighty plates in the sink. Not that Gintoki counted, but that’s what two weeks of avoiding doing the chores should amount to when you live with a ravenous alien girl going through her so-called growth phase. And the fungi growing on his crockery had not even reached second-level mouldiness, also known as the state where you faint from the overwhelming stench upon entering the kitchen. As long as things didn’t escalate and reached level three - the mould skipping over millions of years of evolution, growing legs and his dishes merrily strolling outside of his front door in a file - things were alright in the Sakata household.

Anyway, a protagonist has better things to do than to do the washing-up. It’s common knowledge. How is the enigmatic hero supposed to find time for such trivialities in between saving the world, fighting epic battles, preaching about his awe-inspiring bushidou and drinking himself into a stupor with Hasegawa while playing pachinko to forget about the toils of the day? He rubbed his temples, suppressing a slowly emerging headache that either last night’s hangover or the rude awakening caused.

The injustice of Shinpachi’s early morning accusations – early morning in his books! - was outrageous! If the kid kept up this perpetual nagging, he would never find a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. Better double his chances early on with this meddlesome character of his. At this point, his best shot might be to get it on with Pandemonium after all, if only he can ignore that its true identity is that of a slimy larva.

Gintoki slumped back, slightly more placated now that half of the blood coursing through his body consisted of strawberry milk again. One arm lazily slung over the back of the blue couch, he fixed the boy across from him with a serious look, a forefinger automatically inching up his nose.

“So, dare say that again? You really think Mob Psycho 100 is the better shounen manga, Patsuan?” He had made a joke about how Shinpachi should wear a bright pink apron like Genos in One Punch Man if he liked playing the newly-wed wife so much. After being heavily scolded for such a sexist comment, the conversation quickly developing into an argument over manga preferences.

Shinpachi nodded enthusiastically, expression equally serious. “Of course! It’s a heartwarming narrative about how to become a better person and displays great character development. Don’t you look down on the message this manga conveys, Gin-san.”

“Hm.” Gintoki mirrored his nodding, albeit slower and more deliberate, as if carefully considering this point. He even rubbed his chin like the true intellectual he was. “That might be true - but you are forgetting that what kids these days want to see is a lot of explosions. Lots of _boom_ and _pow_ and _kachoo_!”

“I’m pretty sure _kachoo_ isn’t a typical sound effect”, Shinpachi interjected, having the gall to look exasperated.

He waved dismissively, taking care not to spill a drop of his precious milk and pretending not to hear Shinpachi’s objection. “They don’t care about this emotional humbug. What’s on the agenda is action! That aside, Mob might prove again and again that his powers are strong but he’s not using them freely. Readers want strong protagonists! Ones who can bang their fist on the table to rightfully establish justice! Heros who are dauntless in the face of any consequences. In other words, they want a protagonist like One Punch Man’s Saitama. Or better yet, a protagonist like me! Ah-“

His gesticulations had become more and more passionate, until he completely forgot about the existence of the strawberry milk still in his hand and spilled it all over the front of his green pyjamas.

As the pink stain bloomed and spread out over his night clothes, a sliver of smugness seemed to steal itself into Shinpachi’s exasperated voice. “Is this the charismatic protagonist you would like me to convince you are?”

Gintoki totally had a witty retort on his lips to prove his superiority as the main character. Honestly! His response would definitely not have considered of a lame ‘shut up, Shinpachi’! However, before he could react two things happened in quick succession.

First, one of the large ceiling panels crashed onto the floor in a dust cloud – _huh, maybe this place does need a proper clean-up_ – burying their low coffee table under its weight. Nearly at the same time, a whirr of white and lilac propelled towards him with a deafening shriek.

“Gin-saaaaaaaaaan, how naughty of you!” The weight suddenly landing on Gintoki’s lap knocked all the air out of his lungs, making him sputter. “Spilling strawberry milk all over yourself as if was an accident! Are you trying to seduce me? Hyaaa, you must have known that I was waiting in the space above the ceiling for us to have a moment alone, didn’t you?”

A cheek was painfully rubbed against his own and he realized with a great deal of annoyance that he should indeed have known that his prime stalker was hiding up there in his own house. As she did every other week. He could feel his headache, formerly a soft drumming behind his temples, swell up to fucking orchestra with the instruments all playing out of tune.

Grabbing Sarutobi Ayame by her arms that she had sneakily flung around his neck while he recovered from her crash landing, he forcefully hurled her against the nearest wall. “Can’t a man have some privacy discussing manga in his own damn house?”, he yelled, just barely stopping short of ripping all of his hair out. That kind of bald look might be popular in One Punch Man right now, but he had made a name for himself with his naturally curly hair. As much as he liked to moan about the fact that it wasn’t straight unlike the V-shaped bangs of some bastard, it had become his trademark, a real Gintoki original. Ugh, he’d rather not think about that tax robber for a while with how often they seemed to run into each other.

All. the. time.

The professional ninja and part-time stalker sat up and leaned against the wall that now showed her imprint, wiping away the blood shooting out of her nose. It wasn’t quite clear whether her own excitement or the collision had caused the nosebleed but despite a barely noticeable pang of guilt that he quickly suppressed, Gintoki couldn't care less.

“You know how much I love this rough treatment, Gin-san. Abuse me more! Please step on me-“ Before she could catapult towards Gintoki once more, a pillow hit her hard and muffled any further offensive words coming out of her mouth.

“I heard the screech of a monkey”, Kagura muttered, sleepily rubbing at her eyes while she fully stepped out of the closet in which she slept. The cute display was betrayed by the way her foot was grinding down on Ayame’s hand. Gintoki was pretty sure he heard a telltale cracking sound of bones breaking and felt grateful he wasn’t on the wrong end of her post-waking wrath.

“Isn’t it time for breakfast already?”

He was truly living with a bunch of terrifying freaks.

* * *

“Ahh, what a start to this morning.” Rolling his left shoulder that hurt from playing human tossing, Gintoki strolled through the streets of Kabukicho, with one kid sticking to his heel at each side. He had changed into his usual kimono that he wore sloppily over one shoulder and left his pyjamas at home for future Gintoki to take care of the mess. _Hah, what a loser. Future Gintoki will not have a good time at all dealing with that. He must really hate me for doing this to him all the freaking time._

With no more food left in the house, a perpetual state thanks to Kagura’s black hole sucking in food where her stomach should be, they had agreed to go out for some dango. With a light skip to her step at the prospect of having a delicious meal, the alien girl halfway turned towards her makeshift guardian.

“I wonder whether our wall will be magically fixed once we come back home. They always do that in anime.”

“Of course”, Gintoki confirmed, absent-mindedly wiping a booger on Kagura’s head when she faced forwards again. “We don’t have the money to repair our house every single time just because a wall got torn down. The creators of Gintama know that as well.”

“The only wall you two are tearing down is the forth fall”, Shinpachi chimed in reproachfully, his voice losing its edge when he asked: “Was it really okay of us to leave Sarutobi-san outside together with the trash?”

Argh, that Shinpachi. He simply was too much of a goody two-shoes. “Sure it was! You know what they say, ‘birds of a feather flock together’. Just that in this case, the bird fell out one too many times out of our living room ceiling.” He gave a complacent chuckle. “Well, I guess it can’t be helped. All women are flocking to this feather.” In order to underline his statement, he proudly thumped his own chest.

“Gin-chan, your smugness is seriously pissing me off.” Kagura gave him a withering look, disgust written all over her porcelain face. Should this be the expression of someone who leeched off him ever since coming to this planet? Shouldn’t she be more grateful rather than looking at him with the kind of dismissal only a disappointed mother could muster?

“Eh, but it’s true! Any woman would love to find comfort in Gin-san’s strong arms! That’s probably half of the reason people are reading this fanfiction in the first place.”

“What did we say about breaking the fourth wall?”, Shinpachi complained.

Ignoring the comment, Gintoki went on: “There’s enough proof if I may remind you.” He started counting off his fingers. “There’s obviously the bespectacled lunatic resting among the garbage. Tsukuyo is one stubborn bitch when it comes to admitting her feelings but I know she’s making mooneyes at me whenever she thinks I’m not looking.”

A sardonic grin followed the sidelong glance he shot in Shinpachi’s direction. Ready to deliver the final blow. “Heck, even your gorilla sister seems to have a thing for me, always taking care of me when I hurt myself or pretending not to get jealous when I show up with another girl. It’s really not cute at all!”

“Could you please leave my sister out of this?!” Shinpachi’s nostrils flared, his arms flailed in helpless rage, and he would’ve definitely grabbed Gintoki by his collar and defended his goril- sister’s honour if he didn’t keep the whippersnapper at a safe distance by unceremoniously pushing his palm against the boy’s forehead. His sister complex was a bit odd for sure but admittedly also a little adorable because it showed how much he cared.

They arrived at a little shop with tiny red lanterns decorating the wooden exterior. Gintoki signalled to the old shop owner that they wanted three sticks of dango and unceremoniously flopped down on the bench just outside the low building.

“Calm down, Shinpachi, it can’t be helped. Gin-san’s face is as naturally handsome as my hair is permed.” He raked a finger through his locks in what surely looked like a shampoo commercial. It should be forbidden to be so incredibly good-looking. The Shinsengumi would need to come up with a new law in his honour one of these days, to protect Edo’s citizens.

He noticed the glasses sitting down on the opposite side of the bench, as far away from Gintoki and clearly still upset about the insinuation that his older sister could be crushing on oh well, just the greatest man alive. Tch, so sensitive! Kagura, only having food on her mind, filled the space between them, letting her legs dangle excitedly. Of course he realized that he should stop already, that he ought to keep his big mouth shut, but at this point it was becoming too much fun to rile up that virgin boy. He should have his inner sadist checked out sometime.

“If it was only my facial features it would be one thing”, he continued to boast with both arms hanging over the bench’s backrest. “But the fact that this face chiselled by the gods is matched by my ripped body is something the ladies simply cannot resist.” Pensive, he looked towards the cloudless sky. “I wonder if the protagonist’s charisma also plays into it.”

He could be mistaken but swore he heard something that sounded suspiciously like a backstabbing “Didn’t I see you poke at your stomach chub in front of the mirror and complain about getting old the other day?” and an even surlier “Besides, even Sadaharu’s poop has more charisma than you” from two seats away.

“What are you guys talking about? How full of dog shit your heads are?” That monotone drone was unmistakable. Kagura’s back immediately straightened next to him and he could practically feel the electricity of the thunderbolts flashing out of her eyes.

“Ah good day to you, Okita-san”, Shinpachi greeted the infamous First Division Captain of the Shinsengumi on behalf of the Yorozuya household. “Gin-san here appears to be under the delusion that all women lie to his feet.”

Sougo stepped closer to where they were sitting, somehow letting the pink gum bubble that was larger than his head pop without the gum ending up covering his entire face. He was wearing his black Shinsengumi uniform, arm carelessly resting on the hilt of his sword. “Huuuh good for you, danna”, he drawled, his unimpressed voice betraying the approving words.

The aged shop keeper finally came out with their order, handing a dango to each of the three. Before Kagura could grasp her own portion, however, the devil of a police officer swiftly snatched the food meant for her stomach that growled with never-ending hunger. Despite her clenched fists raining down on him in quick succession, he expertly avoided each of her attacks without taking a single step. They were all too practised in this little dance of theirs. With a cruel leer, Okita chomped down on her dango and Gintoki believed to see the badly concealed trace of tears well up in Kagura’s eyes. Holding the girl back by her shoulder, Gintoki silently passed his own dango on to her, which seemed to assuage her wrath immediately. Happy munching sounds replaced the verbal abuse.

“It’s not a delusion, it’s hard facts. Women throw themselves at me, just check out the Gintama wikipedia, you nonbeliever. I would go as far as to claim that I could have any woman that I’d want.”

Okita didn’t miss a beat. “Prove it then.”

“Huh?” Three little words had wiped the confident grin right off his visage. And it wasn’t even a man’s much dreaded _I love you_.

“Prove it”, he reiterated, licking the sweet soy sauce off his fingertips. “If you’re such a womanizer, it shouldn’t be much of a challenge to you, right?”

“N-no, that’s not it but- uhm-“, Gintoki desperately tried to find the right words as he nervously rubbed his neck. It was his own horsing around that got him into this unpleasant situation but he as sure as hell was not going to admit to this super sadist that while girls seemed to crush on him left and right when he wasn’t even trying, he had no clue how to actively pick up women.

“Why not make a bet then? I’m bored at work so I could use a little entertainment anyway.”

Gintoki could feel both of the kids’ curious eyes on him, watching where this exchange was going as if it was one of their afternoon TV dramas. That’s it, he had let this go too far already, and it was about time to play the adult and back down to avoid the trap this demon was luring him into.

“As it’s a bet, you’d naturally get a reward too if you win.”

Okay, Gintoki was all ears. But better not let this Shinsengumi dog get a whiff of that. Schooling his features into an expression of half-interest at most, he dug for some earwax to complete the semblance of indifference.

Yeah, as if. That brat could see right through his brittle farce and wasn’t fooled for a second. “How does a parfait every day for an entire year sound?”

“I’m in!!!”, Gintoki yelled excitedly and berated himself mentally before the second syllable had left his stupid big mouth. Why did it always have to be faster than his useless brain? “So what are the conditions?”, he added as if the damage wasn’t already done.

By way of an answer, Okita tapped the red eye mask sitting atop his forehead, waiting there in preparation of an emergency nap that could occur at any time. “We’ll make this easy and straightforward. I will point at a woman on the street at random, and you will have to seduce her.”

“Spoken like a real romantic, Souichirou-kun.”

“It’s Sougo, danna.”

“So you claim every time.”

Sougo pulled the mask down over his face, obscuring his sight. “By the way, you will have to prove that you wrapped whatever lady fate chooses around your little finger. I think some picture or selfie of you kissing should be sufficient to convince me.”

Nervousness coiled in his stomach as Gintoki followed the outstretched finger gliding over the outlines of people bustling about the busy street. He could feel Shinpachi and Kagura hold their breath next to him, leaning forwards in anticipation. Sougo’s fingers slowed down when he blindly reached a young woman sitting on a bench a few Sadaharu lengths down the road...

Hah! Unlucky at cards, lucky in love. She had fairly pretty features but wasn’t too overwhelmingly gorgeous for him to approach her and talk her into a quick peck on the lips. Somehow.

…and stilled completely landing on the man standing next to said woman in front of a cigarette vending machine. Wait, cigarettes...oh no.

Absolutely no way.

Sougo slid up the provisional blindfold and squinted against the sunlight to check what his random selection had reeled in, clicking his tongue in surprise.

In spite of the oncoming panic that started to cloud all of his senses like thick impenetrable fog, Gintoki heard Kagura unsuccessfully trying to stifle her laughter behind both of her hands. Black clouded his vision and he wondered whether he was about to faint. It could not be denied that Sougo’s index finger rested on none other than his superior, the Demon Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata always-turning-up-whenever-Gintoki-least-needed-him-nor-in-fact-wanted-to-see-him Toushirou.

No. Nono. Nonononononononono. Anything but that.

Sougo met his pleading gaze and half-heartedly shrugged a shoulder. “It’s not my fault danna, we agreed to randomly choose a passerby, didn’t we?” He said it innocently enough but a tell-tale glint flared in his maroon eyes before it flickered out again just as quickly. Gintoki gaped at him, gobsmacked. How on earth was it even possible for the brat to manipulate him like that, he had been wearing an eye mask for God’s sake!

Feebly, he launched a final attempt to get his head out of the snare. “Wait a moment, didn’t we say I would have to seduce a “woman”? You just said that on the page before, go and have a look yourself! Last time I checked, that bastard was severely lacking in feminine charms.”

Uttering a sound that could be interpreted as a chuckle with a bit of imagination, Sougo nodded in agreement. “No worries, danna, I’m not inhuman.” Oh Buddha, oh thank you for your mercy. Oh hail you holy trinity of sugar, booze and Jump! Oh blessed be the universe for saving him from a fate worse than- “This one’s a hard nut to crack...if you get my drift. As this is a somewhat different target from what we initially agreed on, I’ll be generous and give you a full month to win the challenge.” Like a man who had just lost everything, Gintoki watched Sougo retreat with a cheerful wave over his shoulder, and with no little amount of dread he realized that he’d be forced to think about the V-shaped bangs bastard much sooner and for longer than he would’ve reckoned this morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading the first chapter!
> 
> I have been in the Gintama fandom for quite a while now and always enjoyed Gintoki's and Hijikata's dynamics but this is my first Ginhiji fanfic! I'm very excited for this emotional rollercoaster these two will undoubtedly put me through - even if it's in my own mind.
> 
> Never trust Sougo about anything. Ever. Just don't. It's the first thing you learn about him and really, Gintoki should have known.


	2. No matter how you look at it, if you follow a man thinking about what it would be like to kiss him, you’re just another stalker

It was amazing, truly amazing, downright inspirational even what one could recover from. The beheading of one’s beloved teacher, walking across vast battlefields strewn with corpses, having your former comrades turn against you in bitterness. The shame of being dared to swap spit with a man who was known to brush his teeth with mayonnaise. Because Gintoki refused to even call it the k-word. Ew.

After Sougo had left him face-first in the dust after stomping up and down on his lifeless body - metaphorically, but Gintoki could physically feel the pain in his limbs from how low he had fallen thanks to his own hubris - he had spent what felt like hours wallowing in an excess of self-pity. There was profane cursing, praying to whatever deity that might have an open ear for his pleas (clearly none at home!) and his favourite friend denial paying him a visit, followed by an Odyssey through the seven stages of grief. Except that proper acceptance never set in at the end of it all.

And yet, at the end of this very dark and seemingly endless tunnel, surrounded by a lucent halo of exquisiteness, waited the promise of a year’s worth of parfaits for him. 

Brought back to life by this very promising prospect, he became aware that in reality only a couple of minutes could have passed at most because the man of his worst dreams had in fact just collected his cigarette package from the vending machine and was now fishing one out to poison the air around him that others wanted to breathe.

Just as his subordinate who was constantly out for his life, Hijikata wore the Shinsengumi police uniform, all black with golden trimmings at the outer seams and across the front. The silly cravat was as annoyingly neatly folded as always. The fact that both he and Sougo were on duty in the same area not only meant that the latter was undoubtedly skipping out on work again - even more importantly, it also meant that the rat had set Gintoki up from the very beginning, having calculated that Hijikata would appear in his line of sight when he initiated this wicked game of his. 

Anyway, no use crying over spilled milk (except that he would have this morning had a certain stalker not shoved her mug into his face before he could appropriately mourn his loss). Gintoki had talked himself into trouble and now he would steer his way out of it again. He was a man of action, damnit! If he could face his demons on a daily basis, and sometimes in the middle of the night too in the form of snippets of the past haunting his nightmares, then he could face this second-rate demon as well.

Before he could change his mind, Gintoki picked himself up and strolled into Hijikata’s general direction, putting one foot in front of the other as if on autopilot. Better to get this over and done with and make this whole ordeal as painless as possible. Still giggling over his misfortune, the kids sent him off with a sing-song “good luck” but made no move to follow him, opting to order more dango on his tab instead. Ah, to live as carefree a life as they did!

Anyway, attack was known to be the best defense, meaning if he could catch Hijikata by surprise, he might get away with the briefest of ki-... mouth-to-mouth contact lasting just long enough for him to whip out his phone and take a snapshot as proof of his ‘conquest’. Nobody had to know that he skipped all the typical steps that usually let up to such an encounter. 

Then again, he had to begrudgingly admit that Hijikata was a formidable foe not to be underestimated. While Gintoki could beat him anyday in a swordfight (with one arm incapacitated, with all odds stacked against him, while blindfolded - not that he _wanted_ to think of Hijikata and blindfolds in the same sentence), this demon could still kick his ass if he wasn’t careful. And once the Vice-Commander would be on his guard, Gintoki wouldn’t even make it close to his lips. He shuddered, probably with disgust. Not a phrase he ever thought would pass through his mind.

Ergo, he might have to take a more subtle and less aggressive approach, one that Hijikata would be unable to anticipate or elude. Gintoki would have to deploy the sacred art of seduction. It couldn't be that hard with his many natural charms. 

“Yo, asshat.” 

Nailed it. Spoken like a true Casanova. 

Somewhere in his mind, he could hear the scraping sound of his precious pairfaits inching further away from him with that lousy greeting alone, far beyond his grasp.

With a scowl that could make babies cry - and probably did on a regular basis - Hijikata reluctantly turned towards him. It was clear that he was enjoying one of his rare breaks - not because he was so overwhelmingly busy at present but because he seldom allowed himself a break at all - while patrolling the streets of Edo, taking great honour in protecting its inhabitants, and the last thing he wanted to do was to engage with someone beneath his dignity. Gintoki wished he wasn't able to read all of that just from the officer's sour-faced expression but due to all the times their paths had regrettably crossed, he knew how his brain worked. 

Hijikata took a long drag from his lit cigarette, pressing the smoke out between his lips in a slow, controlled exhale. His chest rose and fell evenly with his breathing. Even something as mundane as smoking had to turn into some display of self-discipline with this jerk. A little deliberate act of superiority. When it became clear that Gintoki would not be graced with a response and that it was completely on him to keep up the quality conversation, he wrecked his brain for something clever to say. Ideally something that would prompt Hijikata to drop his cancer stick and throw himself at Gintoki. Only for the sake of parfaits, needless to say! In the end he settled for a "Whatcha doing here?"

Wow, smooth! An unprecedented level of human interaction! 

"I'm working", Hijikata replied sardonically, and sizing him up from his black boots to the top of his habitual bedhead with overt contempt, he added: "You wouldn't understand anything of it."

The disdainful expression on his face seriously ruffled Gintoki's feathers. The Yorozuya office might not always get the traffic they required to make big money but it was honest work! Half of the time anyway. When they were not paid to aid thugs and delinquents and the Joui faction. When they didn't wreck half of Edo. And when they didn't wreck Edo with the help of those thugs and delinquents and the Joui faction. 

Wait, that's besides the point! Fact is that someone whose soul got possessed by an otaku blade, entailing incredibly bad fashion choices and _begging_ Gintoki to help save the Shinsengumi from ruin, had no right whatsoever to look down on him.

"Ohh, excuse _me_ , officer. I was not aware that the law now demands of me to be in full-time employment and filthy rich. Must've missed the public announcement." 

He could feel his nostrils flare a little as he spat out the retort. Being in Hijikata's vicinity seemed to always lead to his blood pressure shooting through the roof. "Not everyone can have a stable income like you government dogs, taking taxes from the poor and keeping it to themselves like some twisted version of Robin Hood. Some of us have to work hard for their money."

Hijikata half rolled his eyes. His aggravation didn't even suffice for a full eye-roll! He didn't appear insulted enough to get properly angry, and this effortless poise only incensed Gintoki more.

Watching the trails of smoke curling upwards in the warm summer air, Hijikata responded with obvious disinterest. "Not my fault you decided one sad day that your most appropriate career choice would be to become a whore among professional services - minus the 'professional'. Doing anything that is asked of you for just a few yen, how pathetic." 

"Oi, there's no shame in offering all you've got to bring home the bacon! I have two hungry mouths to feed!" 

"You're right, the real shame lies in accepting the services from the _likes_ of you." 

Gintoki sensed that this verbal exchange threatened to get out of hand if he continued to let his temper get the better of him. He needed to focus on the prize that awaited him at the end of this pitch-black tunnel. In spite of his indignation, he spotted an opening in what Hijikata had just said. "If you weren’t such a prude, you would get to enjoy the Yorozuya services as well, y’know. I'll let you know that Gin-san is a fantastic lover”, he winked with a leer, unable to keep the remark to himself.

The innuendo finally elicited the faintest of reactions, dark brows drawn together slightly and standing in contrast to the fairly pale complexion. "What kind of disgusting nonsense are you spouting?" 

Gintoki took a few more steps towards Hijikata, almost as if he meant to pass him by completely. Instead, he stopped at the same height so that their arms were nearly touching and rested a hand on his shoulder. It felt warm to his touch, although Gintoki wasn’t sure whether it was due to the other’s body heat or the black cloth of his jacket absorbing the sunlight.

“Mr Officer, you ought to loosen up sometime. I’m speaking figuratively here, but the late night shifts hunched over towers of paperwork must also have a toll on the body. Did you know massages are another Yorozuya speciality? Gin-san’s good with his hands.” For greater effect, he let his finger trail gingerly from the shoulder to Hijikata’s upper arm. The flirting came so much more naturally to him when he started to feel less tense about winning a bet and just eased into their normal banter. No wait, that made it sound as if their everyday exchanges equalled flirting! He merely relished in getting a rise out of Hijikata with any means necessary. It made him feel like winning whenever the jackass flaunted his moral high ground.

Gintoki could virtually see the cogwheels turning in the police officer’s head, struggling to keep up with the unexpected turn the conversation was taking. Steel blue met maroon, and the moment dragged on until Gintoki panicked and wondered for a split second what he would do if his rival actually accepted the ludicrous offer. Then the moment was over when Hijikata abruptly shrugged off Gintoki’s hand. “As if I’d let your greasy fingers near me. Who knows where you keep them all day.”

"My my, what a prude you are, Oogushi-kun.” He drawled out the honorific in mockery, grin hidden behind a floppy sleeve of his white yukata. Ah yes, he was a proper grown-up. “Wouldn't hurt you to take that stick out of your butt from time to time, must be painful having it wedged in there day in and day out." 

"Sure, I'll use it to shove it up yours if you won't shut up anytime soon." The words had bite but there was no real aggressiveness behind them. While Gintoki should have felt grateful that his beautiful face would not be abused by a fist seeking revenge, he couldn’t deny the odd disappointment at the lack of a confrontation. 

Hijikata had finished his cigarette, dropped the remaining stub on the ground and crushed it under the sole of his shoe. "I don't have time to listen to your jabbering all day. Unlike others, I have work to do.”

Unceremoniously, he turned on his heel and headed off into the general direction of the Central Terminal that cut through the dark blue sky like an ugly Tower of Babel made of steel. Spaceships swarmed around it like moths drawn to a light, departing to explore the vastness of the universe, arriving with shiploads full of valuable cargo.

But were they quite as valuable as 365 parfaits...the sheer variety he could order, chocolate, strawberry and - dare he imagine it - the mixed specials that came to a slightly more expensive price, all inclusive! Gintoki could have it all at his _not at all greasy_ fingertips if only he managed to deliver one minimally blurred photo of Hijikata and him practicing the mouth-to-mouth part of resuscitation to the very spawn of the devil. Spurred on by his wildest fantasies - the parfaits! - he grudgingly got a move on and followed the Vice-Commander’s retreating back.

Dragging himself along, he kept his gaze fixed on the back of Hijikata’s head, cursing his perfectly straight hair that the ungrateful ingrate was so undeserving of. Merely in the back of his neck could Gintoki discern some thick ebony curls, brushing against the curve of his nape as the nicotine-addict walked at a brisk pace. Can’t blame his hair for going at least a little crazy in this increasingly more humid June air. Gintoki was lucky enough that he had not woken up with an afro yet because past incidents had proven that he did simply not pull one off.

Still, he thought with an ironic half-smile, the sneaky way in which Hijikata’s hair rebelled only imitated the person himself. If things couldn’t be impeccable and perfectly aligned at all times, the defect was at least hidden as much as humanly possible, becoming nearly imperceivable. Not to imagine Hijikata's shame if someone of his public reputation was to be found engaged in questionable activities with another man in broad daylight. 

His mind straying, he for the briefest of moments allowed himself to wonder how it would be like. To, y’know. _That_. What it would be like to follow through with what he was forcibly pushed into because of the sweet temptation of even sweeter sweets. Obviously the answer to this question was that it would be disgusting, repulsive, abominable and any synonym imaginable. But just out of interest, which one would be more dominant - the sickening taste of mayo or cigarettes? And more importantly, how might the rotten Vice-Commander react to such an intrusion? The most likely outcome was for Hijikata to throw a hissy fit and violently assail Gintoki. Pain with a chance of broken nose. Perhaps he would go into shell shock instead, unable to move a finger from the mere trauma of such an offense. Or...was there an ever so slight possibility that instead he might-

Shaking his head to make sure he missed this train of thought rattling into the station and catching the next one instead, he rubbed a palm against his forehead. Was this how it felt to be a stalker like the gorilla commander or Miss ninja-gone-astray? The soul-crushing embarrassment was starting to gain on him again. At least his situation was fundamentally different from any other stalker! Gintoki was only doing this for the true love of his life, delicious desserts! Even if his doctor and dentist would no doubt gang up on him for the “atrocities” committed against his “sugar-corroded” body. Always _so_ dramatic.

Lost in his own thoughts, Gintoki nearly crashed into the back of the man in front of him who had abruptly come to a halt. He looked up just in time to skid to a stop one step or two away and avoid a collision. Phew, close call! Hijikata did not turn around but that distinctive rasp reached Gintoki’s ears. “What the fuck are you doing, Yorozuya? Stop following me.”

Ah, well. He didn’t think his following him would go unnoticed anyway; there was no way a pursuer would be lost on an experienced police officer used to criminals who were out for his life. In the first place, he didn’t particularly try to hide it either. “Don’t flatter yourself, mayora, my favourite izakaya just happens to be in the same direction. Can’t blame me for craving a drink after such an unpleasant encounter. _You_ stop being so paranoid.”

He could see the fist at Hijikata’s side clenching and unclenching as if with the itch to pound into something - probably spot on. Gintoki felt a little thrill at the knowledge that he was finally getting to him.

“Listen here sleazebag, I don’t want to be seen with the scum of society tagging along in this kind of neighbourhood, got it?”

This kind of-? Right, this was Kabukichou after all, including the best the red-light district had to offer. Having lived in this area for years, Gintoki was so used to the endless lines of host clubs, bars, nightclubs and any other entertainment the heart desired that he did not take notice of their environment at all. Until now. He leisurely let his eyes slide over the red neon logo of a love hotel right next to where they stood in the middle of the street. 

“Say Oogushi-kun, did my offer earlier turn you on so much you decided to do a little detour during your shift to invite me? How lewd, make sure your Shinsengumi underlings don't get wind of this. Though I gotta say, I would’ve expected a less shabby establishment for someone with your salary.”

It was the second time he was assaulted in one day, but this time with decidedly more murderous intent. Grabbing both sides of his red-lined collar, Hijikata gave him such a violent shake that his brain tumbled around inside of his cranium. Blinking to clear his vision, he could hear rather than see his adversary grinding his teeth. Blockhead would reduce all of his teeth to dust with how much he liked to engage in that hobby of his.

“I could have you arrested for defamation of the police force! What part of ‘get lost’ is so hard to grasp for your teeny-weeny pea brain?”

At this point the shame Gintoki lowkey felt for acting like a creep first increased and then he dealt with it the way he dealt with anything else: Ignoring the issue to the best of his abilities, then reacting with boiling fury once the issue refused to be ignored any longer. Not one to be outdone, he mimicked Hijikata’s movement, digging his fingers into the other’s collar and returning the glare in all its intensity. “I’m pretty sure it’s my right as a citizen to walk wherever I want to!”

“Did nobody ever tell you that it’s also your right to remain silent?”

“I was!! I _choose_ not to make use of it.”

“Don’t sound so goddamn proud of that!” 

Hijikata shoved his face right up into Gintoki’s personal space and it took all of his willpower not to wince and back off. Their faces were so close all of a sudden, he could have easily done what he set out to do. Dropping his gaze down to Hijikata’s lips momentarily, he swallowed in apprehension and quickly let it snap up again. Oh lord, he prayed the other had not picked up on that slip-up. The misunderstanding that could result of such a small insignificant action would be too much for him to bear. 

He totally couldn’t bring himself to do it, to lean in the rest of the way and…obtain that snapshot. It’s not that he chickened out, though! He was just freaked out that when he re-established eye contact, he was greeted by the kind of sadistic grin Hijikata had flaunted when he took the Miwaragumi’s entire helicopter out of the sky. “If you can’t stop yourself from running your mouth, I guess you won’t mind me giving you a good beating, right?”, he sneered with a truly demonic glint in his eyes.

“Oi, this is police brutality! This issue is all over the news right now, so watch what you’re saying. Educate yourself on what’s going on in the US, I beg of you!”

Gintoki was pushed so unexpectedly that he stumbled to the right, just barely catching his balance by comically hopping on one foot as he watched Hijikata retreat. “We’re in Japan, not in the US, stupid perm head.” 

His opponent was clearly trying to walk out on him once more but Gintoki would have none of it. “How dare you insult this protagonist’s most valued asset - ranking right after my actual _ass-_ et that is!” 

Hijikata didn’t manage to get far before Gintoki had him in a tight headlock, spinning both of them around in circles a couple of times until he felt so dizzy that his grip loosened involuntarily and they turned into a bundle of wrestling limbs. They could have easily drawn their swords and fought this out like two upstanding samurai, instead here they were grabbling like kids in a schoolyard.

In their frantic attempt to get the upper hand respectively, they had half stumbled into the alleyway located right next to the love hotel. Passersby gave them concerned looks but hastily hurried on, not wanting anything to do with the odd pair. Hijikata, as worried about appearances as ever, was the first to let up in their trial of strength, dusting himself off with a cough.

Sparing the litter carelessly planted in the alley a fleeting glance, Hijikata grumbled: “Congratulations, you managed to maneuver us into an even shadier place than before. Why do I always have to get involved with you and your crowd?”

Gintoki pointed a finger at him accusingly. “You've got some nerve, saying that when you _had_ to appear at the wrong time in _just_ the wrong place this afternoon!” Grabbing the offensively hideous cravat and pretending it was the other man’s throat, Gintoki squeezed it until his knuckles turned white. Leaning in slightly, he hissed in a rare bout of raw honesty: “Believe me, I desperately wish it wasn’t you of all people.”

Clearly not knowing what Gintoki was getting at, Hijikata frowned and in turn caught hold of the wrist to stop the Yorozuya boss from tearing at his garment. “Not a single word coming out of your dirty mouth ever seems to make sense but even less so today.”

“Are you attacking my hairstyle again?”

“Wha- I did not even mention your hair this time! Just how hypersensitive are you about that mop of yours!?”

"Everyone's always making fun of my naturally curly hair, especially that monkey mangaka! It's a struggle that you with your disgustingly straight hair can't relate to!" 

Both their chests heaving from the physical exertion and subsequent yelling at the top of their voices, a few moments passed in which they warily observed each other, then their fists were in each other’s hair again, pulling and twisting and yanking violently. Gintoki thoroughly enjoyed every second, the near-ecstasy rushing through his body whenever they collided in a physically violent way. To seize control, he smashed Hijikata against the nearest wall, and the alarming crack when the back of his skull hit the hard surface sent a flutter of something resembling worry through his chest. Fortunately, the Shinsengumi officer had as thick a skull as basically all of Gintoki’s friends and acquaintances.

A few more punches directed at each other’s jaws flew but they steadily lessened in intensity, both men too proud to admit that the continuing brawl in the increasing afternoon heat was beginning to tire them out. Gintoki had landed a clean hit that made Hijikata’s lip split and bleed slightly. As he paused to catch his breath, he watched the blood trickling slowly over the chapped lower lip.

Before he could prevent it, a thought flashed across Gintoki’s mind. _Now's your chance._ _Just imagine it’s strawberry sauce._ He cringed - sure, this might be his best shot at launching an attempt while the Vice-Commander recovered from their quarrel but he needed to have a word with his subconscious later on for feeding him such nasty thoughts. 

He dodged the pathetic right hook Hijikata swung at him half-heartedly with an open hand and resolved to do it right then and there in this dingy back alley - wait, that came out all wrong! - resolved to kiss the nitwit. There, he said the k-word. 

On an impulse, he did something he had often seen in one of Kagura's daytime dramas whenever he pretended not to be interested in the whirlwind romance on screen. Sitting next to her on the couch, chin resting on a hand, he would make a point of proclaiming that he wasn't watching and asking - not whining as she claimed - to change the channel but sneaking glances anyway because the main couple really was a match made in heaven _and_ _why couldn't they see this_?? 

Anyway, he did something so embarrassing that it would probably haunt him for the rest of his life. On his deathbed, surrounded by everyone who loved and cherished him aka a humongous crowd, he would think back to this moment of self-humiliation with deepest regret. Or he'd have forgotten all about it by next week owing to a healthy round of binge drinking. 

With his free fist, he forcefully pounded against the wall Hijikata still leaned against, right next to his head. That's right, Sakata Gintoki had turned into a one-person kabedon machine. It was not his proudest moment but he had to psyche himself up somehow. With the way Hijikata's back rested against the wall, he didn't stand at this full height which was otherwise roughly the same as Gintoki’s. The Yorozuya boss made a show of leaning closer in preparation, looming over the man. 

He caught a whiff of smoke from the cigarette Hijikata had puffed earlier, mixed with a light note of sweat caused by their scramble. Mouth close to his ear, Gintoki murmured in a voice so low he surprised himself: "You should've just been honest and admitted how impatient you felt rather than drag me to such a scandalous location.” Another thing he had learned from Kagura’s dramas: It's all about creating an atmosphere. 

Hijikata, however, didn't seem to appreciate said atmosphere quite as much as those drama heroines. Contrary to all the fanart Gintoki had previously seen of the officer in similar, _ah_ , compromising situations, he was in fact _not_ blushing furiously nor acted all coy faced with this very bold and very manly act of dominance. Those sneaky lying fangirls and their misleading fanart. 

To Gintoki’s hidden disappointment, he did not even hide his face behind a forearm. The sadist in him would've enjoyed to elicit such a self-conscious reaction, only because it would've allowed him to chalk up yet another victory. Although he liked the score of his mental victory board currently showing _Mayora 0 - Gin-san 69_. A proper grown-up through and through. 

Instead of turning into a puddle of shyness as expected, the furrow of Hijikata's dark brows deepened in apparent confusion as he locked eyes with Gintoki's, blue gaze searching for an explanation in the pools of red. When he finally spoke, his voice was more subdued than at any point of their conversation that day. 

"Did you hit your head? You’re acting even more suspicious than usually, and that says something." 

Gintoki returned the steady gaze without faltering,expression unreadable as he hoped. Here he was presented with Hijikata holding perfectly still despite their close proximity, in other words the ideal opportunity to end this hassle right on day one but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Much as he enjoyed torturing his rival and making his life difficult, this was not something he wanted to take away from him. As a protagonist, even if the show itself was of a sordid nature full of debauchery, he did not force himself on anyone.

Therefore, if he was to win this bet, he had to either charm Hijikata into taking the initiative (mayo smeared all over his lips - let's put that into the _maybe_ pile of ideas) or at least have him indicate some sort of permission. And that's what you get for having principles. 

The silence stretched on between them but before he knew how to respond, a ringing phone interrupted their staring challenge (one that Gintoki was totally winning of course). 

Although visibly startled by the noise, Hijikata didn't break eye contact right away, as if urging him one last time to answer the unspoken question in his eyes first. When Gintoki didn't oblige, he absentmindedly rummaged around in his uniform's pocket and answered. 

"Yeah what is it? Ah, Yamazaki? Sorry I've been busy just now, what is it?" 

Listening with growing annoyance spreading over his features, he exploded: "Huh, are you serious?! That's seppuku twice for you, hear me? I'll have you commit seppuku and after you're dead, I'll have your corpse repeat the process. For real, is there a single thing you've ever done right in your entire life-" 

Growing impatient while being sidelined, Gintoki snatched the phone right out of his hand and smashed it onto the floor. 

" Ah, I dropped it…"

The Shinsengumi officer who had been mid-rant gaped at him in disbelief. "Nobody dropping something by accident would say it in that provoking tone!" 

"Shouldn't you finish arguing with one guy before picking on the next one?", Gintoki pouted, stepping back to give Hijikata room to collect his phone from the dirty ground. 

"What are you, a cat acting up for attention?!" 

"Better than a government dog wagging his tail."

Without another glance back, he left Hijikata to his devices, accompanied by threats first directed at his retreating back and then at poor Jimmy on the other end of the line. 

"You're no fun to flirt with at all", he muttered to himself, miffed at the utter lack of response in spite of his best efforts. If this was the best he could do, perhaps it was time to admit that he was somewhat rusty at delivering pick-up lines. Crossing his arms behind his head as he made his way home, he wondered whether he could do with any extra lessons in successful flirting. 

* * *

“Did you get into a fight?”

It was the first thing Kagura asked when he dragged himself over the threshold and rolled onto the couch opposite her. Propping himself up on one arm while stretching out his aching body, Gintoki glowered at her but she skillfully ignored the dirty look aimed at her by keeping the blue eyes glued on some girly magazine, judging by the cover. With his disheveled hair, the tattered yukata and a black eye starting to bloom, he sure looked as if he was just roughened up by some street gang. But the redhead knew exactly who he had encountered to leave him in this state, and she was rubbing in some salt. At least he could derive some satisfaction from the knowledge that the other party wasn’t any better off.

Shinpachi emerged from the kitchen at the sound of their voices. “Ah, welcome back, Gin-san. I was just going to leave.” His face took on an odd, in Gintoki’s opinion constipated expression as he struggled to phrase his next question. “So uh, how did things uhm, go with...Hijikata-san?”

“Ah yeah, we screwed.”

The choking sound coming from Shinpachi and even Kagura breaking her stoic demeanour and turning her head to look at him in speechless surprise entertained him to no end. He deserved a little cheer-up after his defeat earlier and messing with the kids always lifted his spirit. 

“I’m kidding, jeez, how low is your opinion of me? It went fine, basically had the parfaits in the bag already. I just threw up thinking about the germs I could contract from such a mangy mutt and decided to give up for the day.”

“G-Gin-san, please refrain from using such dirty language in front of an impressionable young mind”, the cherry boy panicked, wildly gesticulating towards their youngest member. 

"Germs? I'm not sure how to tell you this but they're dirty by default." 

"You know that's not what I referred to!" 

A magazine hurled at full power hit Shinpachi in the head. “Shut it, glasses, don’t treat me like a child. I learned all about XXX and XXX when you were still in your mother’s womb.”

Carefully re-adjusting his glasses, Shinpachi shook his head in a resigned fashion you learned do adopt early on in the Yorozuya family. “Kagura-chan, where did you hear such awful expressions? Also don’t lie to me when you’re obviously younger than me.”

The cover of whatever Kagura had been reading caught Gintoki’s eye when Shinpachi picked it up from the floor. Extracting it from his hands, he scanned the front of the manga with growing interest as the bickering voices faded into the background. Shoujo, huh…

“Hey Kagura, would you let me borrow that for a while?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this one turned out to be 2k words longer than the first chapter - but I adore building up relationships between characters and exploring them a little ^-^
> 
> Well kids, the tags do say it's a slow-burn. But we've got the ball rolling and there's no way either Gintoki or Hijikata can stop it now.
> 
> Thank you to those who send me kudos and even commented! It really helps me to stay motivated while writing because I put a lot of time into this ♥


	3. Shoujo moves don't work on everyone but if you persist for long enough, maybe they will

Trying his hardest to relax with the stifling heat engulfing him like a blanket, Hijikata eased his back against the park bench on which he had decided to rest for a while. It was one of his free days after weeks of going without one and Kondou had at last forced him to 'take a breather' as he called it and 'kick his legs back', each well-meant suggestion accompanied by a hearty thump on the back that made him choke from the impact. 

Hijikata didn't feel like doing much today and had he been asked (which he wasn't) or given a choice (was he  _ ever _ ?), he would've politely refused as he did not particularly appreciate having free time in the first place. From the moment his foolish but kind gorilla commander had reached out his hand and picked him up from the streets, work had become his raison d'être. He was good at what he was doing - especially when it came to bossing Yamazaki around and watching his features freeze in fear- whereas idling his time away did not suit him. 

Irritably swatting at some bugs gravitating towards him as if he was a fucking light pillar, Hijikata watched the other people scattered around the park. A lot of families as expected on a Saturday just after noon, mixed with groups of teenagers having picnics or couples walking their pets. 

A familiar purple figure that looked suspiciously like that stupid alien prince attempted in vain to tame the apparent lovechild of a lion and a scorpion. The creature seemed to have a lot more fun nibbling on the squishy head of its owner until blood oozed over his antenna-adorned forehead. 

Hijikata hastily turned the other way. He was unwilling to become involved with any of the usual goons on his free day at least. Not his problem today! Instead, he tried to focus his mind on letting go of the stress that had built up in his limbs over the last couple of days, releasing some of the tension with each deep breath. 

It sure had been…an odd few days. And Hijikata knew what he was talking about. After all, he had utilized his superior as an impromptu snowboard before. And turned down the daughter of his superior's superior under the pretext of being the prince of Mayora planet who would perish if he stayed on Earth for too long. Hell, he still had the costume hidden away in the back of his closet as a constant reminder! 

Long story short, Hijikata has had his fair share of weird and there seemed to be no end in sight. But this was a different, disturbing kind of weird that went right under his skin. 

To start with, Sougo pestered him even more than usually. Except not with a bazooka aimed straight at him or fake cigarettes exploding right in his face as he's become accustomed to by now.  _ That _ he knew how to deal with thanks to years of experience. For him, it came with the job description. 

No, it was almost as if he had become the guinea pig for a new psychological torture method in place of the usual attempts on his life. 

When he had returned to the barracks after running into the Yorozuya on that wretched day when he merely wanted to enjoy a short cigarette break, uniform rumpled and lip bleeding, his subordinate had immediately inquired who he got into a fight with. Innocent enough if it hadn't been for the tinge of mockery flashing across his face. The expression was gone so quickly that Hijikata wondered whether he had only imagined it but the queasy sensation in his stomach region persisted. 

Ever since that, his chance meetings with the silver-haired idiot seemed to exponentially increase in number. As if he knew something that Hijikata wasn't privy to, Sougo kept making comments such as "Hijikata-san, you look particularly annoyed today" after yet another encounter with Gintoki or "is somebody pestering you, Hijikata-san, you look even more bothered than usually" after the perm had once more stuck annoyingly close to him during a patrol and "slip on the wet bathroom floor and die, Hijikata-san-"

...oh right, that last one wasn't new. 

Altogether he felt that prickling sensation he'd often get at the beginning of a particularly onerous storyline that would grind down on what little remained of his nerves. 'By the pricking of my mayo bottle, something wicked this way comes' or however it went. Hijikata possessed the same Shakespearen alarm bell for incoming annoyances. Had he not been trialed enough? What he truly craved wasn't a break from work, but one away from everyone under the sun who drove him up the wall. It was an admittedly long list. 

The number one spot, ranking even above Sougo and his ceaseless bullying, was exclusively reserved for that good-for-nothing sugar-addict who out of the blue must have woken up earlier this week and decided that it was a fine day to start harassing Hijikata, and then got such a kick out of it that he refused to stop again. 

Recalling the last few days, not a single one had gone by without the silver perm bothering him in the middle of work. Hijikata was beyond exhausted from constantly dodging what could be considered unsolicited advances if it was anyone else pursuing him. In Gintoki's case, it must be some new sick joke that he's just not in on. 

For example, when the rain had been pouring down in sheets last Wednesday, Gintoki had intercepted him on his patrol with a violet umbrella that he was pretty sure belonged to China. Following a fight in which Hijikata asserted  _ not _ wanting to squeeze in with Gintoki under the tiny shelter, one that somehow ended with him in exactly that position, he arrived at the Shinsengumi barracks completely drenched anyway. Drenched and full of regrets at having awkwardly trotted through half of Edo all pressed against the other's unyielding side. The bane of his existence had the gall to look extremely proud and pleased with himself despite the complete failure he had delivered. 

On another occasion, the idiot had snorted with laughter and slapped his shoulder acting all coy and embarrassed after having offered Hijikata a canned drink, only to claim afterwards that he had already drunk from the same container, blurting out for the world to hear that they had shared an indirect kiss. How old was he again, twelve?? 

As the cherry on top, Hijikata had caught him with mayonnaise smeared all over his mouth and chin area yesterday. He had been leaning against the wall right outside of the Shinsengumi headquarters as if he had been waiting there for his target to come out. Too weirded out by the buffoonery at this point, Hijikata had tripped the nutcase and left him whining at the side of the road. 

A sigh escaped Hijikata; just remembering his ongoing Yorozuya struggles made his fingers itch for a soothing cigarette. 

All that was...new. In a most unsettling way. It didn't fit in with their hostile confrontations that Hijikata had become so used to and left him with nothing but boundless confusion. With all of Gintoki’s recent actions that only lacked in some rose-filled sparkly backgrounds to fit right into some girly shoujo, he wondered whether he had accidentally sleepwalked into the wrong manga over night. 

Not to forget that time Gintoki had leaned a little too close for comfort in that narrow alley…and said those things Hijikata couldn't make neither heads or tails of. To prevent the agitation that had welled up inside him from spilling all over his features, he had put on his best poker face at the time and hoped no crack was showing in his mask. 

Somehow Hijikata couldn't fight off the impression that they were teetering dangerously on an invisible line that was about to be crossed. While he was unsure what it was the line seperated, he felt certain that it would entail something irreversible. 

His mind kept replaying how the other's gaze had flickered down at his lips, very briefly only but full of intent - what was up with that? That's just weird, right? 

_ Right??  _

He tried to ignore his stomach churning uncomfortably at the possible implications of the seemingly small action and failed miserably. 

"At least have the decency to stay out of my thoughts", he muttered discontentedly. 

Something freezing suddenly pressed against Hijikata's neck, the contact making him jump slightly. His hand unconsciously reached for the katana that he  _ oh right _ , wasn't carrying today. Too accustomed to his weapon being unfailingly right by his side, he forgot that he was in his dark blue yukata instead of his work clothes. 

"Were you thinking of me? I'm flattered, Oogushi-kun." The low whisper right next to his ear convinced him that he was in no immediate danger, except for the danger of losing precious brains cells in the vicinity of someone known to cause stupidity - with the side effect of headaches. He was unable to suppress a shiver due to the unexpected cold touch, or perhaps because the idiot had breathed  _ right _ into his ear. Gross. 

Letting his head loll back, Hijikata was presented with the upside down image of an unwelcome vision in blinding white and silver. Gintoki regarded him with raised eyebrows, his expression dripping with mischief, and once more Hijikata wondered how one person could be this insufferable. 

Speak of the devil. And about not wanting to get involved with any goons today when he had attracted the biggest of them all. 

Clambering over the back of the bench, Gintoki heaved himself onto the empty space right next to him with a grunt, thus joining Hijikata very much uninvited as per his latest habit. 

Even if Gintoki’s question was posed in jest, he outright refused to respond because of how close the answer hit to home. Deflecting from the topic of what or rather  _ who _ his thoughts revolved around, Hijikata instead said: "That's not my name, you know." 

"I deemed it more appropriate than 'workaholic loser married to his job which is why he'll never find a wife'. Doesn't roll off the tongue easily, wouldn't you agree?" He watched Gintoki fidget around until he found a seating position that seemed to suit his backside before the man took a slurping sip from the canned soda he had used to coldly greet Hijikata. Pun intended. It wasn't even a good pun and  _ God _ , why was Odd Jobs's humor rubbing off on him as soon as he showed up? 

Hijikata could feel the colour drain from his face at the recent memory when he pointed at the tin glinting with condensation. "Just don't tell me you've come to deal out more of your lip prints on cheap metal." 

"Hm? Ah, no that was just a phase”. Despite the dismissive wave, he could tell by the uncomfortable shifting that Gintoki hoped to avoid the subject matter.

_ A phase? What, like in middle school? He really  _ is  _ twelve years old!  _

Intent on ignoring the unwelcome intrusion in the form of 150 pounds pure nonsense relaxing next to him, Hijikata rummaged in his yukata’s pocket for a much-needed Mayoboro. He lit it with a practised flare of his lighter and inhaled the soothing nicotine. 

Even when he stared straight ahead as two familiar outlines came into his view, he could sense the Yorozuya’s intense gaze raking over all over him, done sneakily and just from the corner of his dead fish eyes. Hijikata could feel it like a burning touch on his skin anyway. It unnerved him because for the love of mayo, he could not comprehend what about him had recently captured Gintoki’s full and undivided attention. Whatever it was, he wanted to hit the rewind button and go back to a time when he knew what exactly his role was in their frequent encounters.

Needing to escape the metaphorical spotlight he found himself in, Hijikata changed his mind on trying to ignore the perm head and ended up being the one to break their silence. 

"So what are you doing out and about at a reasonable time for your standards? Aren’t those your kids over there surrounded by a pack of dogs?”

Gintoki huffed. "Don’t make me sound like a single mother. They’re not  _ my  _ kids, I’m just having an eye on them whenever I have nothing better to do.” Hijikata felt a tiny tug at one corner of his lips. The idiot wasn’t fooling anyone because try as he might, he could not keep the fondness out of his voice. What a hopeless, giant softie. 

“We accepted a dog walking job this morning but Gin-san here decided to take a well-deserved break." With that, he knocked back the rest of his drink and sighed with pleasure. 

In other words he was skipping out on work. Figures. "So you're letting your kids do the job for you just so you will finally be able to pay rent to that old bat? That's child labour, I’ll have you know."

“I’m simply preparing them for the hardships of life."

"You're clearly not experiencing any of those”, Hijikata remarked with one eye on the other’s leisurely crossed legs, foot bouncing up and down as if to a catchy melody only Gintoki heard.

"I sure am, I’m suffering from this infernal heat!" 

"Yeah, the bugs have been annoying lately", Hijikata conceded before he not-so-lightly smacked Gintoki’s head with the side of his hand. “Ah, got one right there!”

However, he wasn't given an opportunity to revel in his little payback for being disturbed on his rare day off. Gintoki caught him off-guard when he gripped his still outstretched wrist, and suddenly there was tension palpable in the air that had not been there before, the atmosphere shifting dangerously as his thumb moved directly,  _ slowly  _ over Hijikata’s pulse.

As of late, there was a whole lot of light physical contact between them that seemed unrelated to their fights. It was always Gintoki who initiated the touch; a hand on a shoulder, fingers unnecessarily trailing over exposed skin when they clashed more violently, bumping elbows seemingly by coincidence. But this felt more intimate than anything before and Hijikata recoiled fiercely at the realization.

“Making up excuses now to touch me...Hijikata-kun?” His digit dug deeper into the soft spot of his inner wrist, almost as if he was searching for something there.

Gintoki found his gaze and held it, unwavering, waiting, no...perhaps gauging his reaction? The typical impish expression in them had evaporated and was replaced by an uncommonly serious one. Paired with the fact that he was using his actual name after Hijikata had criticized the lame nickname bestowed on himself - was the bastard challenging him?

Breaking whatever spell that kept him immobilised, Hijikata drew back his arm as if burned by the touch, disregarding the tingling of his skin where the Yorozuya had laid fingers on him.

“Who’s the grabby-hands between the two of us?”, he spat as embarrassment warmed the inside of his chest. The half-forgotten cigarette in his other hand almost  _ literally  _ scorched his fingertip and he hastily took another drag. Why was he dubbed the weirdo when the other man constantly exuded the aura of Edo's greatest pervert? 

Gintoki’s laid-back demeanour returned as if it was subject to the turning of the wind. Geez, was there a switch on him somewhere? Preferably one that switched his mouth off altogether? The silver-haired samurai pulled out a package of strawberry pocky, randomly selected one and placed it between his lips while holding the candy like a cigarette, mirroring Hijikata's smoking. 

“Don’t put on that kinda face." The words came out as a mumble because he spoke around the pocky before he chewed it all the way down, the spitting image of an oversized rabbit nibbling on a carrot. 

_ Don't react to what he’s saying. Just don't- _

"What kind of face?", Hijikata asked despite his inner voice of reason that he really ought to listen to more often. 

"The kinda face as if your mum just found your secret porn stash for the first time. Don't take everything so seriously. Just relax and go with the flow."

To Hijikata's chagrin, Gintoki angled his face towards his own, another pocky already replacing the first. "For example, if a man offers you the tip of his stick, you accept it and take it into your mouth."

Oh no, he  _ didn't _ . 

A cracking resounded, followed by Gintoki's high-pitched yell as Hijikata snapped the pocky offered towards him right in half and crushed the rest of the package to small crumbs. He only barely resisted pulverizing Odd Jobs' crotch along with his snacks, held back only by the awareness that if the Vice-Commander was to be seen castrating a citizen - no matter how much said citizen deserved it! - it would not reflect well on the Shinsengumi.

"Oiiiiiiiiiiii, what's your deal? Do you have to destroy all I love? Do you wanna make Gin-san cry?" 

"Get a grip, Yorozuya. I'm saving yourself from the inevitable fate of diabetes here so if anything, you should drop to your knees and thank me." How much he loved coming out on top when it came to Gintoki. On top of their arguments. Ugh. "Now don't be such a drama queen for once in your life and stop making a scene in a public park. People are staring already." 

Hijikata noticed how the other firmly gripped the discarded can from earlier and prepared to dodge the item about to be hurled towards him. It turned out that the nuisance liked to surprise him, though. 

What happened instead was Gintoki sliding his hand, chilly from the condensed water, right into his slightly open yukata. An act of childish revenge, but effective. Hijikata heard himself gasp in equal parts because of the cold contrast to his overheated skin and in shock at the bold action. The fingers grazed lightly over his stomach before pressing down more firmly, unleashing their full freezing potential. Goosebumps broke out all over his body and dear God, he hated himself for shivering. 

Gintoki was decidedly too close again, inclining his entire body towards him. The deep voice was hushed as though he was telling a secret. "Dropping to my knees, huh? Did you just give away one of your kinky fantasies, Hijikata-kun?" His tone was light and intolerably provoking yet he could not come up with a snappy retort. A much-needed retort that would demonstrate how he felt about such baseless accusations. 

Bastard must've pushed his cold palm harder against his front because if anything, the helpless shudder intensified, causing him to grit his teeth in frustration at being rendered effectively speechless. 

Through his bangs, he watched Gintoki who in turn observed his every reaction with slightly parted lips, incredulity passing over his face momentarily. Those maroon eyes were evidently searching for something in his expression. That’s all he did recently, searching and probing and looking for  _ something _ . If only Hijikata knew what this something was, he would have gladly thrown it at Gintoki and told him to keep it, no returns. 

Gintoki’s fingers twitched against his skin and his own muscles echoed the convulsion. He should cut the pest down, knock out some of his teeth or at least yell in a manner befitting of the demonic Vice-Commander who found himself on the brink of being casually groped in public. 

But no, he was frozen in place, his mind overwhelmed, practically steamrolled by the human disaster called Sakata Gintoki. When he felt the giveaway burn at the tips of his ears, he knew he was ready for the earth to open up and swallow him. Not how he thought he would go. He always assumed it would include the clashing of swords, a lethal wound, an honourable battle of life and death. Certainly not a grown-up child assassinating him with sheer embarrassment as his chosen weapon. 

Just as abruptly as he had placed it there, the perm head withdrew his hand, letting it dangle over the backrest behind Hijikata instead. By the speed of his retreat it appeared that he was rather eager to get some space between them all of a sudden.

“Hey now...our comedy routine only works if you’re denying all of my insinuations. Otherwise one could get the impression that I’m hitting the nail square on the head”, Odd Jobs joked with an odd tremble in his voice.

Clutching at his garments to keep the front properly closed, Hijikata shot him a glare that could cut through stone and steel. “Your head is the only thing that’s going to be hit.”

Gintoki’s low laugh rumbled in his chest. “Ironic for you to say that after you've hit on  _ me _ with those tomato red ears."

It was then when the most inconceivable thought crossed Hijikata's mind. He eyed the strong arm slung over the bench close to his back with suspicion. It all too much resembled that clumsy move teenagers put on in cinemas, resting an arm on the back of the seat because they're too shy to put it directly around their date's shoulder. 

Little as he might be interested in such things, he was not that dense. He certainly perceived the slight shift in their relationship, although the reason for which completely evaded him. Even so, the idea taking shape in his brain seemed so ridiculous, so out of his world that he barely dared to verbalize it. Didn’t he predict to catch the silver perm’s idiocy? 

Ah, to hell with it. If nothing else, it might make Gintoki aware of how his brash actions came across. 

“Are you…trying to flirt with me?"  _ Or trying to start a fight _ ? _ I can't tell. I absolutely cannot tell. _

"Do you want me to?" 

He had hoped that the Yorozuya would splutter and explain himself or take recourse in the safe sphere of anger but he answered in the calmest tone of voice, a leveled gaze directed at him. 

_ …what?  _

Hijikata just stared back, dumbfounded. The other side of that ominous line they were staggering along revealed itself to be a gaping abyss. Loose debris started rolling as he stumbled forwards and got swallowed by the bottomless crevasse. And in the dark, he definitely perceived red orbs glowing in a familiar colour. Was that Heidi? Had Heidi come at last to drag him down into the void? Was he being delusional for  _ hoping  _ that it was just Heidi?

Did he mishear or had Gintoki really asked whether Hijikata was keen on having a useless bum flirt with him? “Like hell!”, he wanted to say but the words got stuck in his throat. They made themselves comfortable there and probably had a fucking picnic, passing around some sake as they were watching the cherry blossoms. In any case, they sure didn’t make it over his lips. All he could do was continue to gawk at Gintoki while the heat in his ears gradually transferred to the rest of his body, and hey was it just his head spinning from the metaphorical whiplash he experienced or was the other man moving closer?

A pesky buzzing right next to his left ear broke his stupor and he turned his head to swat at the mosquito trying to feast on his blood. He registered a movement out of the corner of his eye, followed by a sharp pain in his throat. At first he thought the bug had spontaneously mutated and grown a set of teeth. Wouldn't be surprising with all these Amantos around. However, the much more likely alternative was-

"You didn't exaggerate", Gintoki mumbled against his neck, confirming his suspicion. His hot breath tickled on Hijikata's exposed skin. He just barely suppressed another shudder. Enough of this for today! 

"The bugs sure are vexing today." Gintoki sprung back in a whirr of silver, the lopsided smile giving away how uncomfortable he felt compared to his idle chattering. "Ah, got one right there, though", he finished lamely, pointing to his bared teeth. 

"D-did you just fucking  _ bite _ me?" 

…and of equal importance, did he use Hijikata's own phrase from earlier against him? That's plagiarism! That's exactly the kind of shit Gintama always partakes in - except that stealing names and jokes from other anime didn't seem to be enough anymore with the protagonist stooping so low as to pirate the words of characters in his own universe! 

Hijikata could swear that he saw sweat beading on the other's forehead. He evidently didn't know what to do with his arms, awkwardly crossing and uncrossing them in quick succession. "Mosquitos are best caught with your teeth, didn't you know? It's a top-secret ninja technique passed on by generations of experienced-" 

The dark aura emanating from where Hijikata sat must've given him the warning he needed. As if stung by one of Prince Ha-, wait that's wrong, Prince Baka's pets, Gintoki jumped up and managed to get a headstart before Hijikata followed suit. 

"Know what I'll do with my teeth? I'll skin you alive!!" As a public figure he should have probably cared more about passerby seeing him chase after a kid stuck in an adult's body straight across a park while hurling abuse - but he was past that point. All week Yorozuya had been pushing his buttons, now  _ he _ wanted to push him off a cliff. 

Being the coward he was, Gintoki made a beeline for the two figures that Hijikata had made out in the distance earlier. 

_ Your kids won't be able to save you either!  _

Evading the dogs the two were walking and that greeted him enthusiastically, he dove behind China's back, ducked low and tried in vain to hide his way too large body behind the tiny one. "Save me, I'm being chased by an actual demon!!"

"And is it possible you incensed this demon's rage for you to be chased?", the Shimura boy asked before politely bowing to Hijikata. 

"Excuse me!? You know me Shinpachi, I'd never do something like that!" 

"Knowing you is precisely the reason I'm suspecting you're to blame", the boy deadpanned before turning towards Hijikata with an apologetic face. "I'm sorry if this good-for-nothing gave you any trouble, Hijikata-san." 

Well, that put some water on his burning rage. Out of the three, he approved of the Shimura boy the most. He might be corrupted by the depraved ways of his employer but at least the kid had manners. While the sorry excuse of a samurai objected to being ignored in the background, Hijikata indicated a bow in return. 

Gintoki certainly wasn't covering himself in glory while he used the other kid as a human shield, peeking out from behind her slender shoulders as if he was under fire. Never missing out on a chance to be over the top melodramatic. 

Meanwhile, China was glaring daggers at Hijikata and while he was aware that both kids were quite protective of their failure of a guardian, the hostility somehow felt more tangible today. 

"You didn't do anything weird to Gin-chan, right, mayora freak?” The brat eyed him from head to toe with a scrunched up nose. Was he nothing but a gum stuck to the sole of a shoe to these people? 

_ If anything _ I'm  _ the one who had weird things done to him!  _

In order to keep the girl at bay, Gintoki stuck two fingers up each nostril which had her thrashing around like a fish on a hook. “Kagura, we all know I’m irresistible but I wouldn't let a scoundrel touch me freely.”

_ Oh, but  _ you  _ can touch  _ me  _ freely??  _ The defiant thought sparked the unwanted memory of Gintoki’s hand moving across his skin but he refused to revisit whatever that was. Time for a tactical withdrawal. 

“I’ll leave you to your own bunch of scoundrels here so make sure not to mess up something as easy as a dog-walking job. I’ve gotta go. Kondou-san asked me to accompany him to Edo’s summer festival later tonight and he wants me to help him choose an outfit in case he happens upon the Shimura woman.”

As the face behind the glasses underwent an impressive change of colours from green to white to red (were they playing flags of Europe bingo?), the redhead perked her ears. 

“Ohhh a festival!l" Animosity forgotten, the alien girl clung to Gintoki’s forearm. "Can we go as well, Gin-chan? Can we? Can we have takoyaki, too?“

Fighting off China’s brute strength, Gintoki gave a non-committal grunt in response and scratched his neck. “All you'll do is eat me out of house and home again. It’s no fun to me, y’know. Where's my incentive?”

That seemed to inspire a fancy idea which immediately set off in the narrow windings of his brain. Yorozuya’s crimson gaze captured Hijikata’s in an instant, and his thoughts returned to the red twin lights down in his mind’s abyss. "Does that mean you'll be there on duty?”

"Nah, I’ve got the full day off. Kondou-san just roped me into having some...fun." He made the kind of face that adequately demonstrated his opinion of such 'fun'.

“So if you're off-duty and someone spirits you away from your commander, would that make it a date?” Gintoki clearly aimed to show off every single one of his teeth with how broad his grin was.

Hijikata scoffed, deciding that this was the best moment to bolt. "I'll consider it when you're the last person on earth.” 

"That wasn't a no!”, Gintoki yelled after him. “A meteorite could destroy life on earth any second, leaving only the two of us to repopulate the world. The dinosaurs didn't see that plot twist coming at all. They also joked about the end of the world and then it hit them - literally! You realize that's totally not a no, do you, Hijikata-kuuun?”

Hurrying to bring some distance between himself and the trio, he heard something that sounded like a vigorous hit on the head, followed by the Amanto girl saying: “Stop flirting with mayora in front of me. That's disgusting.”

"Eh?? Gin-san, is that what this talk about dinosaurs and meteorites was?” 

"'The birds and the bees' is outdated, today's youth is all about dinosaurs and meteorites. Keep up, Patsuan." 

Then Hijikata was finally,  _ finally _ out of earshot. 

There was no doubt anymore that he had been right. Some twisted author had taken possession of him and decided to turn his existence into a living hell, even more so than the gorilla mangaka already did. As far as he could tell, there wasn't even a storyline, just the flimsy pretense of a plot. 

Hijikata was starting to feel positively sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I will write this mostly from Gintoki's perspective because he's so much fun as a narrator, I also want to provide glimpses into Hijikata's mind. The poor man is confused and it's hilarious to see him like that.
> 
> Honestly, Hijikata being unsure whether someone is flirting with him or challenging him is probably the most accurate thing I will ever write.
> 
> Apologies in advance if the next chapter will take slightly longer. I am very motivated to continue working on this and have in fact already started chapter 4 but I will move by the end of the month and am likely to be rather busy.
> 
> In the meantime, thanks for all the kudos and comments - it really makes my day <3


	4. It’s depressing to be abandoned during a summer festival, unless you’ve been abandoned together like the losers you are (part 1)

He was not searching for his face in the crowd, Gintoki reminded himself, repeating the phrase like a mantra. It was true that his gaze glided over the dozens of faces drifting in and out of the red glow given off by paper lanterns above the endless line of food stalls, checking whether any of them seemed familiar - but only because he didn't have anything better to do while he waited for Kagura and Shinpachi to get another food serving. 

He definitely wasn't looking out for one face in particular. 

The heat of the day had melted away a little with the beginning sunset, all vibrant red bleeding into swirls of orange and light purple, down feather clouds streaking the sky in soft paint strokes. However, the densely packed throng of people pushing and shoving through narrow thoroughfares in between stalls constituted its own source of heat. 

Gintoki fanned his sweaty temples with an oversized sleeve. If only he had dressed more lightly or brought a hand fan or better yet, refused to come in the first place. He could be wasting away in front of the TV right about now, one of his favourite hobbies. Bonus points if a certain pretty lady who should be his wife announced the weather.

In the end, Kagura's persuasive power (her fists) had won out and he reluctantly agreed to visit the summer festival for a few hours, under the condition that the redhead would hold back and not transform into a human vacuum cleaner inhaling food. Needless to say, she was _not_ holding back, _not_ showing any consideration to Gintoki who clung to her foot begging her to stop, and instead inhaled not only everything that was edible but also his poor wallet's contents in the process. 

It was depressing to see his weekly funds for Jump and strawberry milk dwindle - so even _if_ he was looking out for an unappealing, grumpy face amidst the festival visitors, the sole reason was so he could tease someone whose over-the-top reactions to his taunting would provide some well-deserved fun. 

Speaking of a certain person’s reactions…could this guy be any more confusing? Gintoki didn’t ask for much in life. Well, granted, he did occasionally ask the pachinko machines to grant him a win of a million yen, and Ketsuno Ana to marry him when we was lucky enough to be blessed by her angelic presence - but all in all he was a man with modest wishes. All Gintoki wanted right about now was for the clearly most obtuse member of the Shinsengumi to fall for his bait, get just seduced enough by his charm to kiss him once, and get this hassle over and done with. 

He loathed to admit it but he was starting to waste mental capacity on imagining this particular moment, and even if it was only to envisage his eventual victory, spending any of his free time thinking about Mr. Anger Issues couldn't be healthy. Rather than feeling excitement when fantasizing of the reward Sougo would owe him, this bet left Gintoki increasingly anxious and restless, all the more after their chance encounter this afternoon. An irritating scratching against the pit of his stomach had settled in and he couldn't quite get rid of it anymore. Maybe he caught a stomach bug. Yeah, that must be it. 

The most annoying part was that Gintoki genuinely put in a disconcerting amount of effort into Sougo’s game which he wouldn't even dedicate to his usual day jobs. This bet was challenging his very protagonist-ness and he refused to lose to the very Shinsengumi sadist who ranked #2 in the popularity poll because who knew if he would try to overthrow him and and steal his position as Gintama's hero. No thanks to a return of the Bakaiser!

So as preparation, he had devoured Kagura’s shoujo manga from back to back, soaking in all the moves that seemed to be exceptionally popular and invariably crowned with success: Getting closer underneath an umbrella, for example (Hijikata only got closer to losing his temper) or the doki-doki moment of an indirect kiss (which instead left Hijikata in a stabby-stabby mood that wasn't cute at all). Then he read the manga again because the main couple was actually freakin' adorable and _seriously_ now, could characters in fictional worlds just not _see_ how much they are in love? It's maddening, it is! 

Anyway, not even Gintoki’s trump card, sticky mayonnaise spread all over his lips, had been tempting enough for that shitty cop to spare him as much as a second glance. Couldn't he finally acknowledge that Gintoki was trying really hard here? That it took him hours of intense scrubbing to get rid of the offensive smell of mayo afterwards? Didn’t he get the memo that you had to fall for the protagonist of a famous anime? Gintoki had turned his most charming self inside out yet the stubborn jerk remained stoic. 

Or at least he had been acting stoic until today. Gintoki remembered the immense surprise when Hijikata had shivered rather violently under his touch, even after his fingers had warmed up against the heated skin. Weirder still, he hadn't struggled against the contact imposed upon him as Gintoki had expected. 

And weirdest of all, those heavy-lidded blue eyes and that unexplainable shudder made Gintoki feel...some kind of way. Bile rising in his throat would be his usual suspicion but in this case it was more of a twinge in the gut. Maybe he should see a doctor about this stomach bug tomorrow. 

Either way, the unforeseen reaction had filled him with the alarming need to both move closer and to retreat as quickly as possible. As a matter of prudence, he opted for the latter. Whatever it was that had transpired between them in that moment felt like uncharted territory and he wasn’t keen on playing Christopher Columbus going on a discovery tour.

Just to make matters worse - it was justified to wonder whether he should state ‘rock bottom’ as his new address - Gintoki had completely misjudged the situation arising of his prank. Naturally, that was all some naive airhead's fault! Hijikata didn't respond to his daring question whether he might actually enjoy flirting with him and just continued to make those big doe eyes at him! Gintoki had totally interpreted the prolonged silence in the affirmative and leaned in to try his luck.

Of fucking course that asshole had to turn away at the last moment so Gintoki’s mouth awkwardly landed on Hijikata's throat instead. To cover up the embarrassment rushing through him - and just a tiny bit in retaliation maybe - he had bit the criminally soft skin and pretended to catch the bug Hijikata had turned to squash. 

_That thick-headed idiot was dumb enough to actually buy the excuse but really now, mixed messages much, dear Vice-Commander?? If you don't want Gin-san to kiss you, then don't pretend to get lost in my eyes or whatever cheesy shit that was! It's so misleading!_

Deeply immersed in his (gross, revolting despicable!) thoughts, he didn't notice the shadow approaching him until Kagura clung to his midriff in an attempt to scare him. Her short arms barely reached far enough around his waist to gain purchase. But although she was a lightweight, the fighting machine had enough strength to knock out Hedoro and his intimidating kin. Gintoki was forced to take a stumbling step forward to balance out the impact. 

"Are you looking for someone, Gin-chan?", the girl asked with a cheek squished against his rib. "You’re staring holes into people. It's a little creepy." 

“You bet I'm looking for someone. My hope is to meet Santa Claus. I'll beg him to bring me a new wallet lined with money after you emptied mine."

Kagura jumped back down on nimble feet, arms akimbo. "My mami taught me to keep away from dirty old men with big sacks. Maybe you should do the same or you'll get kidnapped." 

Gintoki nodded in agreement, hand on chin, stroking an equally impressive and imaginary beard. "A wise woman indeed." 

"She also taught me to keep away from old silver-haired men with dirty ball sacks, though." He could tell the comment was made up to razz him from the way she saw the whack aimed at her head coming from miles away and ducked with a delighted giggle. 

"Hmpf. Good thing she couldn't have been talking about me as I'm still a young boy in body and soul." 

"Remember that next time you're complaining about your aching back and cracking joints to guilt-trip me into answering the door, old geezer." Kagura stuck out her tongue and guffawed when he tried to catch hold of it but was too slow.

Could somebody explain to Gintoki why, even though this snot-nosed brat just poked fun at his age when he was in the prime of his life, _why_ he felt a sudden wave of affection roll over him? Could somebody please explain to him why, even though he vowed not to get attached to anyone else after the war, he found himself with not only one but two of these attachments clinging to him like leeches? 

He sniffled. "Youth these days, no respect." 

The fact that she required both of her arms to be free to tackle his back caught up with him. "Anyway, didn't you set out to get more food? Have you already gulped it all down or where are you keeping it? You're not using your hair piece as a secret emergency food stash again, are you?"

Gintoki felt like looking into a mirror when she lazily picked her nose, eyes blank and pointing over her shoulder at Shinpachi who not only carried his own food but two additional bowls precariously balanced in the crook of his arm. He did not look pleased about being used as a pack mule.

"You're no better than me, lazybones! How can you mock me when you've become an exploiter yourself?" 

"I brought you some too so stop complaining!" Kagura snatched one of the bowls from Shinpachi who finally caught up to them, nearly knocking him over with her spirited move. 

Gintoki’s tears of emotion at having been remembered by the kids dried up before he could shed them. The dish she proudly presented was completely empty with the exception of some unwanted kale, coincidentally Kagura’s least favourite vegetable, pushed to one side in a sad heap. 

"This is as empty as your heart", he accused and promptly vented his disappointment by dishing out some noogies, ruffling the ginger hair. Getting his hopes up like that! Appealing to the tiny shriveled part of him that still believed in people’s goodwill!

"Ouch ouch ouch, that hurts, Gin-chan!" The push to his chest knocked all air out of his lungs. "It’s not my fault you're in a bad mood because you spent a whole week unsuccessfully stalking that nicotine-addict in the hope that he would have enough pity to smooch you! Just so you can earn a few lousy parfaits." 

Before he had a chance to indignantly respond that he was certainly _not_ in a bad mood just because some government official couldn't work up the will to show an interest in him, and how it _didn't_ hurt his pride at all, a voice he never wanted to hear again cut him off. 

"Sounds like you haven't made much progress in your first week. The clock's ticking, danna." 

Gintoki lowered his eyes at the newcomer who had materialized next to them seemingly out of nowhere. This guy had a few too many disquieting skills for his taste, aside from luring unsuspecting and (mostly) law-abiding citizens into accursed bets. Who the hell was he anyway, a shinigami in Bleach manifesting wherever he wanted to? 

Keeping a firm hold on Kagura who started growling to prevent the impending commotion, Gintoki said: "No wonder with how my target is somebody who only wants to make love to his beloved Kyokuchuu Hatto, that utterly useless code of you police dogs. Besides, may I point out that I only ever claimed that I could wrap any woman around my little finger? Strictly speaking there was never any talk of men."

Sougo, who without a care in the whole world leaned against the wooden frame of a ramen stand, lazily lifted one shoulder. "If you insist on splitting hairs, Hijikata-san was _strictly speaking_ a woman for an entire arc, albeit a particularly pig-faced one."

The foreboding twinkle in his eyes was one Gintoki had come to be wary of. 

"What is it, danna, not up for the challenge?" 

A vein in Gintoki’s forehead started to throb. He had to hand it to him, that kid knew how to tick him off and appeal to his most competitive side. Not that it was difficult to tease that side out of him. The other day Kagura had claimed he couldn't drink the expired milk that stood forgotten at the back of the fridge, which had ended with him spending two hours in an intimate embrace with his toilet. Worth winning that dare.

With what he hoped was an air of superiority, Gintoki bared his teeth like a predator that had smelled blood. "You just wait, I might surprise you yet." 

The enigmatic smile he received in response was even more threatening in its self-assurance. "Perhaps not quite as much as you might still think right now." 

What did _that_ mean now? Not that Gintoki was given any time to dwell on it. 

"Sougo, I see you've met with the Yorozuya troupe!" 

Oh. If the hairiest and most foul-smelling gorilla in the zoo was here then that meant-

Gintoki turned his head and immediately perceived the way the man next to Kondou stiffened when their eyes met - and not in the 'happy-to-see-you' kind of way down there. The second thing he noticed was that while Hijikata hadn't changed outfits since this afternoon, the red glow that engulfed his approaching frame transformed him in a subtle manner. It softened his edges, glinted off jet-black hair, pooled in the hollow just above his collarbone and illuminated the patch of skin visible where his yukata gaped open over his chest. Not that Gintoki's gaze strayed there. But geez, at his age the loser ought to learn how to keep his clothes from falling off his body! 

It took Gintoki more effort than paying his rent on time to accede that Hijikata wasn't entirely hard on the eyes in more dimmed lighting. If you squinted a little. If you looked at him with your eyes nearly squeezed shut. 

"What are you squinting for, Gin-san?", Shinpachi asked from the side. "Shall I lend you my glasses?" 

Gintoki blinked and straightened with an self-important cough. "Just wondering whether I'm seeing right or if the entire pack of Bakufu lapdogs has indeed assembled here tonight? I hope you're prepared for the Anti-foreigner group to use this golden opportunity and get all comfy in your headquarters." 

"Ahahahaha, typical of Yorozuya, always joking!" The two Shinsengumi officers halted just opposite them, Kondou in a pose of confidently crossed arms and the man whose face Gintoki had not been looking for all evening squirming with unease, avoiding eye contact. 

_Hmm? Is it me who's making you feel all nervous and out of sorts, Vice-Commander?_

To distract himself from the secret elation that this thought filled him with, he pointedly looked at the dish Hijikata was holding, made unrecognizable by heaps of sticky mayonnaise. "Shouldn't that be censored?" 

“It’s your face that should be censored, you prick!”

A thrill he wasn't sure he should be feeling shot through Gintoki when those steel-blue eyes, darkened with fresh annoyance, landed on him at last. Better play it cool and do what he’s best at - pretend the hell out of it. Pretend a bit of eye contact didn’t unnerve him in the slightest.

“Hoooo, so you noticed as well. I did wonder upon looking into the mirror during my morning routine whether I should have it pixelated. After all, a face this handsome could cause permanent damage so it would be for everyone's protection.” He emphasized the statement with a jaunty wink. 

Hijikata seemed rather unimpressed as he took a bite from the monstrosity he mistakenly called ‘food’. “Can't you protect your fellow human beings from your jabbering instead?"

"I wish I could. But I don't want to, dickhead." 

"Why you-" 

As Hijikata poised to attack - and to possibly stab him with the chopsticks - his elbow knocked against a young woman with an elaborate hairdo held in place by decorative pins. She looked up at him a bit dazed, and then alternated between blushing and apologizing profusely even though the inconvenience was solely, entirely the mayora's fault. 

Utterly unaware of the effect he was having on the blushing maiden, Hijikata indicated that he didn't mind the accident. If anything, he seemed more troubled by the loss of some mayonnaise that had dripped onto his clothes during the collision. He rubbed at the spot and only succeeded in smudging it further. 

_Get a hint!! This woman is ready to turn cartwheels for you to notice her. Hijibaka, that's what your name should be! Hijibaka!_

Ah, well. At least that proved Gintoki wasn't the only one struggling to get this guy's attention - although his own motivation was of course worlds apart from hers because it would be a cold day in hell when he tried to get into this guy's pants! 

He watched with growing irritation as she touched Hijikata's upper arm coquettishly to add insistence to her apology. And probably to feel him up a little. Ugh seriously, what a hussy! 

_Frigging stand in line because I've got my eyes set on a reward I can't miss out on._

Gintoki leaned back behind Hijikata's back to glare at the woman shamelessly flirting with the man in front of her. She must've felt the resentment radiating off him because she looked rather frightened, bowed in a haste and hurried to catch up to her group of giggling girl friends. 

_Good riddance!_

His smugness didn't last long. With a start Gintoki noticed that both Sougo and Kondou had been watching the interaction intently. The former with an all too knowing grin, the latter with newly kindled interest. Gintoki didn’t appreciate the way the ape commander's eyes darted between him and his subordinate at all. 

"Toshi…you didn't tell me that you and the Yorozuya…are an item." There was no judgement or disgust in his voice, just some ridiculous dejection at being left out and somehow, that was even worse to Gintoki. Could the moron please act like anyone should at the idea of Gintoki having the hots for a loser who ate his own bodyweight in mayo? Please!

"Because we’re not!", Gintoki heard Hijikata bellow in unison with him. They were too similar for their own good but in this instance the insight was reassuring. At least someone else who was horrified at the prospect of them getting a bit too chummy.

Kondou's brow furrowed as if unable to process this simple information. "Oh, okay." A pause. "Are you sure?" 

"Don't you think I would've heard of it first?" Hijikata snapped, and Gintoki could tell that he consciously avoided looking in his general direction. Heh, so bashful. What a troubled expression on this demon's countenance. And just when had he started to take in all of Hijikata’s reactions so greedily? 

Gintoki’s musings whether the light pink dusting across the other man's cheeks was only his imagination or due to the red-tinted lighting were interrupted when he was forcefully pushed aside and nearly deafened by the "Oh, Otae, over here!" sounding close to his ear. Who needs eardrums anyway! 

Clad in a violet kimono and accompanied by two girls working at the same cabaret club, gorilla number two paused in her tracks and looked over at them. Did the whole circus agree to assemble today? 

Highly skilled in the avoidance of stalkers, Otae took no notice of Kondou waving frantically at her and greeted her younger brother instead. "Shin-chan, you're here as well. Are you making sure to be the responsible adult and keeping an eye on this troublemaker?" 

The comment was aimed at Gintoki, who gaped at Shinpachi nodding dutifully as if it was common knowledge that he needed proper surveillance lest he caused a disturbance. 

"Hey, what're you saying, gorilla woman? That I’m not trustworthy or something?”

With a smile that never failed to remind Gintoki of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, she pinched his earlobe and pulled him down close to her face so brutally that he feared it would rip off. 

“How could someone whose only recyclable trash is old Jump volumes and dirty magazines be trustworthy in your opinion?", she sing-songed seemingly innocently but with judgment hiding behind the fake smile. 

“Jump taught me about life and those magazines you look down upon how to please a woman." He hoped that his leer coupled with the close proximity hit home its point. "It's thanks to them that I've become such an enrichment to womankind." 

Otae looked just the tiniest bit flushed when she released his ear stretched to at least twice its original size. That's right, this is what it's like to be served the Gintoki special. 

Although Hijikata wasn't in his direct field of vision, he could feel his curious eyes on him. For some reason his stomach plummeted. There was absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and yet he felt like a child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Someone else came to the same conclusion. "Get away from my Otae!”, was the war cry that resounded but her patience snapped just before the Shinsengumi’s excuse of a Commander could reach her. 

“Both of you should have your ass hair yanked out", Otae raged and mercilessly smashed his own and Kondou’s head into the dusty ground. A pungent mix of copper and grovel covered Gintoki’s tongue. 

_Why me, toooooo?_

Swapping her devilish expression for an angelic one - _that two-faced bitch!_ \- she turned back to Kagura and Shinpachi. “You two should come with me. I’ll make sure you get treated to some good food for once.”

Gintoki propped himself up on his elbows as the traitors turned their backs on him without objection. “Don’t be fooled! They’re like stray cats who were fed by three neighbours and turn up on the fourth’s doorstep pretending to be starving! Can't you see that they're literally already carrying food with them, oi?” 

Kagura’s high-pitched voice drowned out his protests. "I want the most expensive dessert, anego.”

Well, at least he had taught her well. 

In a flash, Kondou was off to follow them and to perform his odd stalker ritual of hiding behind inanimate objects, and when Gintoki looked around with what was probably a mild concussion, even Sougo had vanished in the same sudden way he had appeared - was that guy privy to the power of teleportation after all? 

Lifting his head, his gaze connected with the only one who was still rooted to his spot. 

“Ah, fancy meeting you here, Oogushi-kun.”

“Don't give me that now!” The retort was accompanied by flicking some of his obscenely-smothered-in mayo grub at his forehead.

Gintoki picked himself up and dusted off his yukata. “In the end I didn't even need to spirit you away”, he observed, tongue-in-cheek. “You've been left without a second thought.”

Hijikata gave an audible sigh. “Whatever, they're such a noisy bunch. Besides, don't act like you haven't been abandoned as well. Your kids didn't have any qualms leaving you behind."

"As I said before, not _my_ kids." 

"They sure inherited your bad habits to ditch their guardian like that. On that note, I'll take my leave as we-"

_Oh no you don't._

Gintoki preempted his cowardly attempt to flee. He tackled his midriff before Hijikata could take a single step and buried his face right in his broad chest. Hijikata's breath hitched nearly imperceptibly. Gintoki did notice, though. He noticed and filed it away in a mental folder of random facts about Hijikata whose deeper meaning he could not decipher but that set off an unsettling prickling in his own chest. 

The tax-thief's smoky smell that usually wafted around him was especially strong in the area of his sternum. Before Gintoki knew what he was doing, he inhaled deeply and only barely refrained from nuzzling his nose in the folds of his yukata. Needless to say, it wasn't even a pleasant smell and- ugh, who was he kidding! 

At this point Hijikata tried to free himself but Gintoki shook his head to express his distaste at being left behind. He hoped that his wildly fluttering hair thoroughly tickled the bastard's chin for just thinking of making an escape. 

"Don't abandon Gin-chan as well! It's depressing to be asked to go out and then be left like an unwanted pet."

He looked up pleadingly with what he hoped were his best puppy eyes. Hijikata was holding up both hands as if surrendering, keeping his dog food away from harm with one of them and looking utterly exasperated. 

"Ugh whatever, don't make a scene like a baby, Yorozuya." He extricated himself from Gintoki’s tight grasp. "Let’s just find somewhere where we can sit so I can eat- _in_ _silence",_ he added. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Wow I cannot believe this story has hit over over 100 kudos and 1k hits! Thank you for any form of encouragement people are sending me to continue this fanfic!
> 
> As this chapter I was writing on grew too long compared to the previous ones, I have decided to split it into two parts and therefore post a little earlier than originally intended. 
> 
> I'm quite a good way through the second part of the chapter as well so the next update will probably be sooner rather than later - and it's going to be my favourite one so far :D


	5. It’s depressing to be abandoned during a summer festival, unless you’ve been abandoned together like the losers you are (part 2)

A multitude of smells hit Gintoki’s nose as they made their way through the narrow passages - grilled meat, steamed vegetables, glazed fruit, the saccharine scent of cotton candy. Mhhh, cotton candy… 

Too bad he was completely broke. Cursed be bratty kids who only have to bug their parents to get stuff for free! He briefly considered batting his eyelashes at Hijikata and hostess-style smooth-talking the walking wallet into treating him to something sweet. It sometimes worked on drunk men when he was dressed up as Paako after all. Imagining the face of horror Hijikata was guaranteed to make nearly swayed him but the last scraps of his mangled pride prevented Gintoki from sinking quite that low. 

Hijikata led the way while Gintoki trudged along behind him. At one point when the dense sea of people threatened to sweep them away and separate them, he quietly held on to a corner of the dark yukata in front of him and caught himself rubbing the cloth between his thumb and forefinger. 

On the other hand, whenever the path was wide enough for them to walk next to each other, he noticed how Hijikata kept a careful distance, darting wary glances at him from time to time. This was not precisely the outcome he wished for his flirtatious actions to have but Gintoki couldn't deny either that he got a major kick out of seeing the proud cop this self-conscious. 

His glee evaporated instantaneously when he caught a woman in the crowd sneaking admiring glances at Hijikata. How could such a brute be so wildly popular?? Just because he had his stupid shiny black hair and sharp jawline going for him! Truth be told, in this light that gave a warm glow to his skin and accentuated the curve of his lower lip, he could almost pass as handsome. Not that Gintoki noticed. 

But! If they knew his personality, they'd all take to their heels. With resent, he wondered whether a dunce like Hijikata ever noticed when women were mooning over him, and the mere thought incensed him irrationally. No doubt because being everyone's love interest was Gintoki's prerogative as a protagonist. Yeah, that sounded almost believable. 

_Damnit, you better don't get conceited just because your pretty but plain face is a little popular with the ladies, Hijikata-kunnn!_

The glow of a myriad of lamps glinted off a row of masks as Gintoki passed by them. He slowed down as the sight sparked an idea in him. Randomly selecting one that his choleric companion wouldn't complain about too much, he dropped a few coins on the counter - he would never be able to afford Jump ever again in his life at this point but this was worth not having to fend off lovestruck Hijikata fangirls. Aka people with bad taste. 

The other man had noticed his absence and stood with a foot tapping the ground, the very epitome of impatience. Nipping the housewifely griping that would've undoubtedly followed in the bud, Gintoki resolutely pressed the white fox mask against Hijikata's face. There. If the bastard had to trick people into believing he had a handsome face, he'd just cover it up. 

"I'm too old to play dress up", the gravelly voice said a little muffled, his free hand reaching up to remove it. 

"Nonsense." Motioning for Hijikata to turn around and let him tie the mask, Gintoki stepped close behind him. "Masquerade is all part of the summer festival mood." 

"Can't we be in a mood to just go home instead?" Despite the irritation in his tone, Hijikata had already resigned himself to his fate and kept still. 

"What, both of us? Together? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're coming on to me, Vice-Commander."

Hijikata didn't deign him with a response to his joke but the coloured tips of his ears spoke volumes. Duh, he had given Gintoki an open goal there. With the ball already rolling towards it. He suddenly itched to see the embarrassed face he might make behind that mask but forced himself to secure it at the back of Hijikata’s head instead. Just seal that impulse away. Like any other confusing emotions that are too troublesome to dissect. 

Gintoki’s touch ghosted over the spot just behind those red ears to fasten the mask with the elastic band. He let his fingers linger for longer than necessary and then dropped them down to his neck. It felt hot to his touch. Hijikata's shoulders were hunched defensively and looked incredibly tense, so tense that he almost dug his fingers into the muscle to relieve the tension. Prove that Gintoki really was as good with his hands as he had boasted. 

Uhh. Otae had definitely made his head collide too hard with the ground. 

Hijikata looked over his shoulder to silently question whether he was done. It was with a subtle ache that Gintoki stepped away to look at his handiwork. The graceful arch of the fox snout was adorned with deep red highlights that matched the painted eyebrows and whiskers. In contrast, Hijikata's irises glinted cold like blue ice through the eye slits. 

"I don't see why I am the one wearing a mask when you're the one going on about how putting on a childish disguise is so much fun." 

"Because not seeing your ugly mug is fun to me." The offhand comment earned him a kick to the shin and Gintoki yelped. 

"If my face's so offending to you then why are you following me around as if you've turned into my shadow lately?" 

The direct question momentarily threw Gintoki for a loop. While it was becoming obvious that Hijikata had noticed a difference in their interactions and was starting to feel flustered by the sudden spike in attention, Gintoki didn't reckon that he'd have the balls to confront him so honestly. His usual style seemed to involve a lot of ignoring and denying and leaving things unsaid, not unlike Gintoki’s own modus operandi. 

“Maybe I’m as much of a masochist as I am a sadist', he jested but as soon as the words were out he wished he could catch them in the air and cram them back into his mouth. For all his blasé attitude, there was a grain of truth in those words that he did not want Hijikata to know about. Because if the recurrent tightness in his chest was anything to go by, he really was inflicting some sort of pain on himself. 

Perhaps the police officer had picked up on the strain in his smile because he didn't respond. Gintoki imagined him to arch an eyebrow behind the fox mask before he absentmindedly touched its rim close to his mouth. “I can't eat properly with this thing on."

Sliding his arm into the opening of his as always only half done yukata, Gintoki resumed their march. "Just wait until we’ve found a place to sit. Even if whatever you're eating gets cold, it can't get any worse anyway.” 

Easier said than done. With all benches being occupied by obnoxious couples, Gintoki silently cursed the happy love surrounding them. They'd all be broken up by next Valentine's Day anyway and then sticky chocolate would be trickling into the holes left behind by their sweethearts. Was he bitter? No, just a realist who favoured sweet-tasting treats over the smelly odour of fake love. 

In the end, he navigated them to the riverside. Away from the largest crowds, they dropped down on the grass-covered slopes and watched the reflections of floating lanterns dance on the ink-black water. Faint music drifted over to them on the cooling breeze of the summer evening. 

Gintoki fixed his eyes on the paper lanterns silently floating down the river, which were believed to guide the souls of the departed over to the spirit world. He wondered if the sight reminded the man at his side of Sougo's deceased sister. A sudden shiver possessed him and he prayed for the spirits' forgiveness for disturbing them with his mental intrusion. 

Resting his crossed arms atop his knees, he sneaked a glance at Hijikata. The light glinting off the polished fox mask entranced Gintoki, and the thought that he was the one who got spirited away by this demon in the end crossed his mind. To break the spell, he playfully brushed his leg against Hijikata’s naked calf peeking out from under his garments. The action had the other short of frothing at his mouth and ah yes, this immediately felt more normal. 

He hid the spreading smile in the crook of his arm. “So. How would you rate this date then?” 

Icy blue glinting dangerously in the half darkness. "You’re still going on about that??” A shower of torn out grass rained down on Gintoki. “I’ll rate it a _nonexistent_ on TripAdvisor! If you keep spouting shit like that in front of your brats or other people, they will get the wrong idea!" 

“Oh? What kinda idea would that be, hn? That the Shinsengumi's Vice-Chief got bad taste in everything except for his choice in men? It'd only work to your advantage if others think you're involved with yours truly - someone who is way out of your league.” 

The grouchy 'fuck you' he received in return was more standoffish and distant compared to their earlier banter, though why would Gintoki care? Why would he? 

...why _did_ he? 

"What crawled up your ass and died now?" 

Hijikata clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Just your flirty lines making me want to puke." 

"You're in a bad mood for someone who had a pretty woman pawing at him earlier. Though you didn't even have the courtesy to notice of course."

Although Gintoki could only see the lower part of Hijikata's mouth, he became witness to the cop transforming into a comical version of a gulping goldfish, at a complete loss for words. So he really had not been aware. Just how slow on the uptake was Mr Law & Order here? Wasn't it part of the police's job description to come to the most basic conclusions based on overwhelming evidence? 

Recovering quickly, Hijikata countered: "Better than a good-for-nothing who'd readily screw anything with a heartbeat." There was a sharp bite to his words. Unlike a certain someone who should be fired for having absolutely no power of deduction, Gintoki put one and one together when he recalled his short exchange with Otae and the way Hijikata had followed his every move. 

_So that's what's got your panties in a twist?_

Something about Hijikata’s badly concealed affliction pulled at Gintoki’s heartstrings, if only a little, and he couldn’t stop the lopsided grin from forming. 

"Don't worry, you're still Gin-san's favourite plaything." 

"Ew. How exactly is that supposed to make me happy?" 

"It has its perks.” He racked his brain for an example and decided to stir Hijikata up a little more. “It means I'd catch as many bugs for you as you'd like me to." The statement was accompanied by tracing a finger over the other man’s jugular.

Hijikata swallowed heavily as the realization of what he hinted at dawned on him. Gintoki felt the muscles in his throat shift right under his digit. 

Afterwards, Gintoki would swear that he didn't plan to act on it. But an inexplicable impulse possessed him upon feeling the movement. Somehow it was a lot more sensuous than anything he ever thought this straight-laced law enforcer to be capable of. He blamed it on the fact that he couldn’t see Hijikata’s face currently hidden by the mask, which would have surely deterred him from what he was about to do. With his mind racing a mile a minute, Gintoki debated what would happen if he gave in and let his growing curiosity take over.

_Don't do it. This won't earn you any more of a reward if you win this challenge. It’ll just get you more entangled in this mess._

"What're you saying, Yorozuya?”, Hijikata rasped, and it was the rough edge of apprehension and anticipation mixed in his voice that pushed Gintoki to action. 

"I believe you already know."

And then he blew all logic to the wind. 

"Caught one right there", Gintoki echoed what was becoming their weird private joke before he breached the distance separating them and let his lips connect with the warm skin on the side of Hijikata's neck. 

...and amazingly, Hijikata let him. _Oh._ Okay. 

No, wait. Not okay. Far from okay. What rabbit hole did Gintoki fall into to end up in this looking-glass world where his long-standing rival did not recoil at his touch? Judging by the way Hijikata's breath caught in his throat, one might even be led to believe that he was...enjoying this? Impossible. Right? Or was this Bakufu dog’s bark worse than his bite?

Two hands came up to clutch at Gintoki’s shoulders as if the nicotine bastard was unsure whether to push him away or pull him closer. Worse, Gintoki didn't know himself anymore which reaction he preferred. 

_Someone please kill me right now. Sorachi-sensei, go back in time and make sure to never create me. Please, I'll give you 300 yen._

Equally appalled and encouraged by the lack of a fist knocking him out, Gintoki parted his lips to trail open-mouthed kisses along the length of Hijikata’s neck. Not that the meant to but his brain had switched off and his body was moving on its own, following nothing but instinct. 

As it turned out, Hijikata's smell was quite intense around the spot just underneath his ear as well. Smoky with a tinge of salt and men's cologne. And something that could only be described as uniquely Hijikata. The scent was all Gintoki didn't like - not sweet! - and all it took to make him feel ridiculously light-headed, intoxicated as with a drink too many. 

_Argh hold on, I lent that money to Hasegawa already. Guess I'll have to continue until the bitter end._

When his teeth grazed the sensitive skin, Hijikata bit back a sound from escaping, resulting in a suffocated gurgle. So Gintoki had no other choice but to repeat the action, catching the junction of his neck in a playful bite. This time Hijikata couldn't stifle the moan that ripped from his throat. It came out lewd and needy and _oh Lord_ if the sound didn't go straight to Gintoki’s groin. Or y'know, not so straight, as it was. 

_Well, fuck._

Both of them stilled; the enormity of what they were doing finally sinking in. Unsure when they had moved into this compromising position, Gintoki found himself in between the other's legs that had fallen slightly open to accommodate him. 

On the bright side, at least Gintoki could now write the twinge in his gut off as just being plain horny. _That_ he could deal with. That - the object of his currently much-misplaced desire aside - was nothing out of the ordinary. It had been a while after all. 

And having _the_ Hijikata of all people, demonic Vice-Commander of Edo's greatest police force and a man he had at times suspected to be asexual moaning at his ministrations - and not his usual bitching and moaning, mind you, but _actually_ moaning in pleasure - had Gintoki riding high on a wave of ecstasy. So high indeed that he didn't seem to care that it was this freak causing the notable heat in his abdomen.

Hijikata, in turn, seemed to care very much about such neglectable details: "The fuck are you doing, Yorozuya?" 

The accusatory note filled Gintoki with irritation. "You sure weren't complaining up until now!" 

"I'm filing my complaint now on top of the mountain of complaints already piling up outside your front door." 

"Joke's on you, I never open my mail unless they're coupons! Also, how can you be complaining even though I found your weak spot at the first try? You didn't _sound_ like you minded the attention." 

To prove his point, he experimentally slid his palm over Hijikata's thigh that got exposed during the shift in position, just above the knee. The gasp that escaped him sounded more excited than surprised, and it drove Gintoki half mad with a new wave of desire. 

All of a sudden, he was overcome by the desperate urge to see what kind of expression Hijikata was making. In one swift motion, he shoved the mask off his face. Even in the low light of the floating lanterns he could tell that it was beet red. So those fangirls were on to something after all whenever they portray him as a blushing mess. Huh, who would've thought. 

More than the colour in his cheeks though, Gintoki was taken aback by the patently obvious arousal painted across Hijikata's face. Brows drawn together, eyes darker than he had ever seen them and chest heaving with a want Gintoki would've never predicted to perceive in him. Definitely enjoying this, then. He looked mortified to the core at letting his feelings run high. Until now, Gintoki assumed the only emotions he experienced at all were anger and a passion for work - certainly not a passion for insanely handsome silver-haired men, though who could hold it against him.

With a stutter of his heart, he realized that this sultry look was exactly the kind of invitation he had been waiting for all along. To win his 365 parfaits. Why oh why did that come out like a mere afterthought now that his mind was clouded by indecent images. 

Placing one hand on Hijikata's chest for support and crumpling the fabric in his fist, Gintoki leaned in slowly, painfully slowly to give the idiot a chance to back out if he so chose to. Not that Hijikata wanted to if the way his eyelashes fluttered shut and his breaths grew shorter was any indication. 

A constant vibrating against his splayed fingers interrupted Gintoki’s trajectory towards the slightly parted lips, and maybe it was a sign of him going batshit crazy at last but was Hijikata actually _purring_? 

It took him a disoriented moment to register the magical anime melody filling the air, one that Hijikata's alter ego Toshi must have set as a ringtone. Right, a phone did sound a lot more plausible than this workaholic uttering feline noises. Then again, he would have said the same thing about the likelihood of Hijikata uttering such obscene sounds before this evening. Right...his only shot at ever living in peace again might be to ask old Gengai to wipe the hard disk in his skull. 

Knocking over his long-forgotten bowl of food in the attempt to answer as quickly as possible, Hijikata kicked him off none too gently. Gintoki wheezed and held his stomach as he watched him fumble for his flip phone stowed away in his off-work clothes’ inner breast pocket.

After a quick glance at the name on the display, Hijikata picked up. 

“Kondou-san?” 

Although this was already the second time they were interrupted by Hijikata’s unwavering sense of duty to the Shinsengumi compelling him to answer his phone, Gintoki inwardly revelled in Hijikata’s breathlessness that he struggled in vain to cover up.

The exchange only lasted for a few seconds before he hung up with a confused frown, hesitantly meeting Gintoki’s eyes. 

"It sounds like Kondou-san needs me right now. He’s on his way back to the barracks so I’ll have to try and catch up with him.”

Inwardly, Gintoki yelled: _How rude can you possibly be to push a catch like me aside? You seriously want to go now and run after your break-away monkey? Now?? Read the mood, you bumbling fool!_

Outwardly, he offered: "I've got my scooter parked not too far away from here. I could give you a lift, I guess." 

* * *

“Will I get lice from wearing this thing?”, Hijikata had the nerve to ask as he accepted the helmet pushed into his hands. Hah. To think that Gintoki had forgotten for a whole five minutes just how much of a son of a bitch he was. He very nearly rescinded the enormously generous offer he had made in the spirit of charity. 

“Show some gratefulness and just get on before I change my mind.” Hopping onto the vehicle, he looked at Hijikata expectantly. The colour had faded from the other's cheekbones and he seemed a lot more composed compared to what Gintoki had become witness to when they-

Anyway. There was an unspoken mutual agreement not to mention what had just happened between them - let alone the avalanche of things that well-nigh happened if it hadn't been for that disruptive phone call. Gintoki knew he ought to be grateful that a higher power in the form of Gori-san had put a stop to his momentary bout of madness. He knew it and yet couldn't defy the feeling of disappointment similar to when he looked forward to his afternoon strawberry milk, only to find that Sadaharu had _accidentally_ (or so Kagura claimed!) knocked it off the coffee table with his giant fluffy tail. 

"What about you?", the man who was a righteous cop first and everything else second insisted, pointing at Gintoki’s own uncovered head. 

“I've only got one helmet right now after Kagura used my other one as a bowling ball on some guy driving too slowly in front of us." Gintoki couldn't help the sardonic smile from curling the corners of his lips."I'm touched you're so worried about my safety but I can assure you I have a hard head.”

He accurately predicted the grinding of teeth and fuming ears. "Who's worried?? I'm seeing a violation of traffic code in your neglect, that's all. Besides, I don't want to be the one scraping your brains off the road." 

With a sigh, Gintoki heavily leaned his forearms on the handlebar. "Listen. You either become a ruthless law-breaker who might have to be on the run from justice forever - or you're walking home. It's your call." 

When Hijikata still stood hesitant, Gintoki pretended to take off with a nonchalant "okay, bye then" and a turn of the handles. He felt the back of his collar being grabbed and suppressed a laugh at how easy it was to see through this simpleton most of the time. 

"Fine, fine, just scoot over a little." The breath fanning Gintoki’s neck had his nerves all raw in an instant. No wonder though, right? Nobody would like an actual demon literally breathing down your neck, right? Anyone's attention would be hyperfocused on that sensation, causing their skin to prickle, right? 

…

Gintoki cursed his inner voice for sounding so meek and unconvincing. What was becoming of his talent of reckless denial? 

Gripping tightly to the edge of the seat, Hijikata settled in behind him, and Gintoki set off into the general direction he knew the Shinsengumi headquarters to be in after a few too many sessions of stal- _ehem_ , casually following Hijikata around over the last week. Strands of hair fluttered across his forehead in the flow of air around them. The pleasant night breeze was most welcome both to dispel the heat of the day still clinging to Gintoki’s skin and to cool down his overheated mind that had nothing to do with the summer temperatures. 

Whatever had possessed him needed to stop. He could feel his focus shifting when it should be fixed on the three simple steps to success: Kiss (maybe he should acquire a map to find Hijikata's lips instead of being inexplicably drawn to his neck time and time again) - the click of a camera - and his favourite part: parfaits for a lifetime. Granted, the agreement was for a year to be more exact but with his lifestyle of rushing into battle and diabetes posing a constant threat, the two might end up coinciding. 

Either way, he couldn't give in on weird impulses again…especially as he refused to dwell on the meaning of such impulses. 

When the scooter leaned into the curve of the road, he felt Hijikata slide back precariously on the seat behind him, barely keeping his balance - and his body from having a most unpleasant encounter with the hard unforgiving pavement. 

“Slow down, will ya??” Hijikata had to raise his voice to be heard over the sound of the motor and the roaring stream of air. 

A snicker bubbled up from Gintoki’s throat. Ah, this was fun. “You better hold on tight, Hijikata-kun, or you might fall off!” Rather than slowing down, he sped up a little just to add fuel to the fire. 

And Hijikata…well. His nemesis chose the worst moment in existence to finally start listening to him. Gintoki froze when he felt strong arms circling around his waist to hold on tightly, forearms crossing over his stomach. The other's chest pressed flush against Gintoki’s back and his muscular thighs squeezed closer against his own to keep himself from sliding off. The intermittent heat Gintoki felt all too prominently at their points of contact caused a wave of goosebumps chasing over his skin. 

_Oh no._

In an instant, the memory of those glazed eyes was upon him, and that sinful sound of Hijikata’s barely suppressed moan intruded his mind against his will. His body heat rose right up to a feverish temperature once more, and Gintoki suddenly knew with certainty that he was lying to himself. He'd totally do it again. He'd shamelessly throw himself at Hijikata again, regardless of any bet he might have made. Only because he couldn't control his twisted curiosity. 

_No._

The unwelcome realization had his heart fluttering unsteadily before it settled into a thundering drumming against his ribcage.

_Noooo. Nononononono. Gintama is not this kind of manga!!!_

For the rest of the agonizing ride, every part of his body felt overly conscious of where Hijikata's body was pressing into him. He was both relieved and disappointed when they arrived at their destination and his passenger let go of him to jump off the scooter. 

It was a well-known fact that Hijikata was chronically unable to thank him - with rare exceptions that he would afterwards deny vehemently - so Gintoki watched him hum and haw before he nodded awkwardly and mumbled: "Guess I owe you one, Yorozuya." 

"Damn right you do", Gintoki said and held out his palm. 

Hijikata stared at it in obvious puzzlement so he added: "It's common practice in every part of the world to pay for services received, right?" 

"You were charging??"

"What, you think you're so special that you're exempt from the very fairly priced Odd Jobs rates?" 

Hijikata looked ready to send him flying and tackle him to the ground. Hell, Gintoki _wanted_ him to. Something in his head had definitely taken damage and he would make sure to send Otae the medical bill.

Perhaps the other man had developed a newfound fear of any physical contact between them because he did not give into his propensity for violence and instead grumbled: "You really are a jerk of all trades. Just put it on my tab. I'll pay you next time."

Next time. Something about those words put Gintoki in a flurry. It wasn't unlikely that they'd run into each other even if Gintoki didn't stalk him (yes, yes, he heard that himself). And yet the way Hijikata said it almost sounded like a promise. 

While he watched the police officer make his way to the entrance, he patted down his clothes in search of his cellphone. His intention was to let the two backstabbing brats know that he quickly dropped someone off and would return to rejoin them now. 

His movements slowed. The phone was not in his pocket. Only now did he recall putting the device on charge after he had found the battery dead due to months of disuse. He just couldn't wrap his head around this technical nonsense, which earned him jabs on his age from both Kagura and Shinpachi. In any case, when he came home he would without a doubt find it plugged in and sitting on top of the desk. 

But if his phone had not even been with him since he left the house this morning…

...then why exactly had he been making a clown of himself all day? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major callout to myself by referring to Hijikata fangirls as "people with no taste" :'D
> 
> I've been quite excited about posting this chapter as it marks the undeniable turning point in their relationship, to the point not even these two experts in denial could ignore it any longer.
> 
> I definitely have quite a few more chapters planned, and hope life will not get too much in the way of writing them out.
> 
> Just to end by thanking those who left me such lovely reviews - they do make me smile from ear to ear :)


	6. Avoiding your problems is just gonna prolong them, idiot!

Staring blankly ahead at the mind-boggling scene before him, Hijikata tried his hardest to piece together the visual clues into a coherent narrative. So far his endeavour wasn't crowned by any success. This entire day was just getting weirder and weirder by the minute. All he craved for was for his head to hit the pillow and to fall into sweet oblivion, a dreamless slumber. 

Dreamless preferably because he didn't trust his subconscious with the images it might conjure after the unexpected events at the riverside.

Could someone please knock him out cold so he neither had to deal with a gorilla's shenanigans nor was haunted by his own lapse in judgment when that perm-headed freak had crossed the line. The very line whose crossing Hijikata had vaguely dreaded ever since Yorozuya had suddenly become too clingy.

He stubbed out the cigarette his nerves had screamed for, smothering the glimmering ash together with his inner turmoil in the ashtray placed before him. Then he took a deep sigh to steel himself for whatever was to follow. 

“I’m failing to see the punchline of this joke, Kondou-san.”

His superior sat cross-legged on the floor right beside him in the headquarters' assembly hall. “I would never joke about such a serious matter, Toshi." 

The older man had put on the grim face of a commander strategizing with his most trusted comrade in a time of crisis. What he lacked in common sense he certainly made up for with a sense for the dramatic. 

Hijikata couldn't resist the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose in a vain attempt to quell the aggravation rearing its head. "If you are serious about whatever this is then how come Sougo's curled up choking on his laughter over there as if he was told the joke of the century?" 

Not that the satanic noises originating from the corner of the room darkened by ominously spreading shadows could be called 'laughter'. Hijikata briefly wondered whether pest control would be able to handle extreme cases like him. Or an exorcist. 

Kondou tilted his head back, expression thoughtful as that of a teacher who was contemplating how to explicate a complex notion to their dim-witted student. 

"Let me explain again so you can consider this situation in all its bearings: Otae promised that she would marry me if she saw me catch a hundred fish at the goldfish scooping booth. I caught a hundred and ten!" 

Despite the beyond ridiculous words coming out of his mouth, his chin lifted with pride. Self-awareness was a foreign concept to their commander after all. So was dignity. 

"That matches the percentage to which my heart belongs to her only."

Well, that explained why the main hall of the barracks was lined up with rows and rows and, surprise, _more_ rows of water-filled plastic bags containing pale unhealthy-looking fish. But it didn't explain the million dollar question. 

“Why did you call me asking to join you immediately? On the phone you claimed it was a matter of life and death!”

Hijikata had rushed to the headquarters in the mistaken belief that either Katsura's lot had turned the barracks into a bonfire, or that xenomorph aliens took over Edo, clinging to faces and violently bursting out of chests…although that storyline might have gotten Gintama into yet another lawsuit with 20th Century Studios that they might want to avoid. 

Hell, he even became indebted to Odd Jobs who was sure to milk the favour he owed him for all it was worth - only to find out that the 'emergency' Kondou-san had been babbling on over the phone was just another of his temporary fads. 

If only his obsession with the Shimura boy's sister was this temporary. 

Although, shouldn't he be grateful? As outrageous, downright ludicrous as the thought was, it was pretty clear that the sugar freak had intended to kiss him. And for reasons that eluded Hijikata, he knew that had it not been for divine intervention (aka a monkey knowing how to operate a phone), he would have let him.

Something about the drag of Gintoki’s lips and teeth along his skin had left him breathing hard and yet breathless at the same time, all coherent thought thrown out of the window in an instant. That burning hot fire of rage which the very sight of unruly silver hair usually sparked in him had been of a markedly different nature tonight. Not one Hijikata approved of. In fact, he was prepared to bear the consequences of such shameful feelings and commit seppuku at the break of dawn. 

Kondou's vehement objection mercifully interrupted his line of thought. So did the hard shove against his shoulder. 

“It _is_ a matter of life and death, Toshi!! Because a life without Otae’s eternal love equals my untimely death."

“Then die." Hijikata got up to leave. He had heard enough of his superior whining about his unrequited love. Enough for today and enough for a lifetime possibly. Somehow the unashamed display of lovesickness bothered him a great deal more tonight than it usually would. It tugged at something inside of him, just underneath his skin. 

Kondou lunged at him and hugged his leg, clinging onto it like a lifeline even as Hijikata tried to drag himself out of the assembly room. Never underestimate a mountain gorilla's pure strength! 

"Don't look down on me in my time of need! You have to help me take care of the fish."

“Why are they even _here_?"

Kondou's face took on a sad puppy eyes expression at the question and not even Hijikata would kick this man when he was down. The temptation was still there, though.

“Otae had vanished by the time I caught them all. They need a temporary mother replacement", Kondou reasoned, although Hijikata would rate the author's use of this verb as highly optimistic considering how the gibberish he was hearing was far from reasonable. 

Hijikata grimaced. "Right. And I came to your mind. With my motherly instincts that I am so well-known for. Whose fondness for children is famous." He paused as he registered something else Kondou had said. 

"So you're saying that brutish woman wasn't there to watch you catch...I don’t know, half of the marine population probably?" 

Kondou blinked owlishly up at him, understanding not hitting yet. "Huh?" 

Ugh, how Hijikata loathed being the harbinger of bad news with these innocent childlike eyes riveted on him. He raked a finger through his hair. 

"She played you, alright? Her promise to marry you mentioned _seeing_ you catch a hundred goldfish, which she didn't and clearly her intention was never to follow through with her promise. You should've noticed the whole situation smelled…fishy." His self-respect plummeted even further for making that pun. 

To his horror, Kondou broke into tears at the realization, alternating between wailing and gross sobbing. "She has left me with our children and now we're divorced, too." 

"You were never married in the first place!" 

He smacked Kondou’s head and in retaliation had a disconcertingly large amount of tears and snot rubbed all over his wooden sandals. A clear sign to make his escape. Straining against the weight around his leg, Hijikata clutched onto the wooden door frame in a desperate attempt to haul himself out of the room. He ignored the sharp pricking of splinters against his fingertips. Trying to shake off the mope proved pointless; the older man seemed intent on turning them into a new siamese twins circus act. 

“How can you still call yourself a man!”, Hijikata reprimanded, swinging his leg more violently and hoping that he would be allowed to live a life without Kondou becoming a permanent attachment to his body.

“Should you of all people really be the one saying that, Hijikata-san?” The pointed words never missed their intended target in spite of the seemingly disinterested drawl. Hijikata groaned inwardly. Just what he needed on top of a disastrous day.

A sense of dread hung over him like a dark cloud as Sougo approached their struggling forms. He had stopped laughing maniacally but the focus in those mahogany eyes had HIjikata on his guard.

“What were you up to after our merry little group dispersed?”, Sougo continued innocently. “I wasn’t able to assassi- see you after you took off with danna.”

“You were gonna say ‘assassinate’! You were totally gonna say ‘assassinate’, admit it!”, Hijikata snapped back. Taking a deep breath, he reminded himself to stay calm and not play into the devil’s hands. 

_He doesn't know. There’s no way he saw us, there was no one else nearby at the riverside._

“I had some food, that’s all”, Hijikata said tersely, cringing over his defensive choice of words. Only someone trying to hide something would use the tag ‘that’s all’. What a rookie mistake.

“Hmmm, is that so? I heard strawberries are currently in season - did you try any at the festival?” Sougo’s hands rested casually in his pockets but there was nothing casual about the way he hinted at the unspeakable. The corners of his mouth twitched suspiciously. “Were they delicious?” 

_He is just bluffing. Trying to unnerve me and to find a weakness he can exploit. Don't let him shake you._

The last thing he needed was for Sougo to remind him that it had been a day full of moral lows not only for Kondou but also for himself. And it was not even Yorozuya frivolously making a pass at him by itself that plunged Hijikata into depths of despair and dishonour. It was the fact that he had found himself stirring for the first time in a very, very long time as a result of it. It was the fact that he unexpectedly but visibly reacted and how the douchebag must have noticed the effect his touch had on him. 

He remembered the perplexity plastered across Gintoki’s face, hesitation intermingled with some sort of budding understanding. Could still see the warm glint of the floating lanterns reflected in the dark red of his eyes and the near-white of his hair. Feel a calloused palm skimming his thigh. The pressure of that too-loud mouth against his throat. Lips impossibly close to his own. 

“Away with the fairies, Hijikata-san?", Sougo taunted, his smile as sharp as his sword, cutting across the mental images infecting his mind.

 _Don’t let him._ Hijikata scoffed, feigning ignorance. "Just fantasizing about how I'll make you sleep with the fish one day.”

Not comprehending any of the insinuations, the exchange had gone over Kondou’s head but he perked up immediately at hearing talk about fish. "Toshi, will you step up to your role as mother and raise the goldfish with me?” 

“They're fish! Just throw them in a river for God’s sake!”, Hijikata bellowed, withstanding the temptation to inquire what for mayo’s sake made _him_ the female part of this arrangement. 

He practically felt Sougo’s unblinking gaze continue to linger on him. He met it straight on, chin raised defiantly. 

"I... _bet_ my demise won’t be what you will be fantasizing about tonight.” The devil incarnate chortled as if he had just made the most hilarious joke.

* * *

Back in the quietude of his own room, Hijikata slammed the door shut, got down on his haunches and covered his face with both hands. Alone at last. He rubbed his temples to counteract the headache hammering against the inside of his skull. It was a chronic condition when living in a universe full of freaks and weirdos. Several times Hijikata had inquired to be transferred from Gintama to a more serious shounen series like Dragon Ball but the studio would hear nothing of it. Something about the art style being too different.

His eyes fell on the fox mask, gleaming palely in the translucent shine of the moonlight falling in through the window. He had furtively chucked it into his private room earlier before the other two took notice and started asking unwelcome questions. 

Hijikata recalled the fleeting touch of fingers at the back of his head and on his neck, the tingling of his scalp, the shiver running down his spine, and wondered how he could've allowed for any of this to happen. In the silence his humiliation burned even more fiercely. 

Loosening the cravat suddenly threatening to constrict his neck, he leaned the back of his head against the sliding door. Even if it had simply been a physical reaction on his part, this was something he couldn't take back. Not even Yorozuya was idiotic enough that he'd fail to notice how his fooling around had affected him. 

Because that's what it always was with this clown, right? A joke here, a laugh there. Having a good time, not bearing the consequences no matter how big the trouble he stirred up. His indecent behaviour and flirty one-liners had promiscuity written all over them.

Yet there was a light that people seemed to see in him. They were inexorably drawn to this light like moths to a flame. The two brats Gintoki had picked up at some point to play their odd game of house evidently adored him despite all the ugly name-calling. The gorilla woman - viewed from this angle, she and Kondou were a perfect match - might be acting all tough and aloof but their interaction this evening demonstrated that she was charmed by him as well. And as reluctant as he was to admit it, Kondou and to some extent even Sougo respected the nuisance. 

He refused to become one of the many moths swarming around him. 

Gathering up his willpower to live - oh look, unsurprisingly little of that remaining! - he dragged himself up and commenced his night routine. A true samurai should stick to his routine, even if the world around him came crashing down. Discipline is the very backbone of every society after all. But as he brushed his teeth, splashed cool water on his face and undressed there was an ache in him, indistinct at first but growing in intensity, like a rotten tooth that wasn’t attended to. 

By the time Hijikata finally stretched out on his futon, his exhaustion was replaced by an endless loop of the top moments that had torn his honour to shreds today. With each replay he grew more restless and frustrated with himself. 

If at least his thoughts would have stopped there. Well, spoiler alert: They did _not_. Because nothing ever went his way. Not even in his own imagination.

The trepidation of _what ifs_ looming over him proved even more tormenting than all that had occurred during the day. What if Kondou had not interrupted them? What if Gintoki’s mouth had found his own? What if he would have liked it? What if the prospect of what had been about to happen had him craving for more?

Damn that Sougo for being right about the improper direction his thoughts were taking!! What was he, some sort of psychic? Acting as if he was in on some secret and guessing too accurately at all the chinks in his armor.

With a groan, he buried his face in the pillow as most disturbing images filled his mind. They intruded the brink of his consciousness before settling in the very centre of his awareness. Visions of exploring hands slipping underneath clothes, flashes of exposed skin, gasping breaths, and the thrill of that short-lived pleasure the very guy Hijikata wanted to throttle on a weekly basis had elicited. Once more, he could feel his body betray him and react to his wild imagination. 

He hated his life. If anyone ever doubted it, he really did. Most of all for what he was about to do.

Hesitantly, Hijikata placed a hand high on his thigh. He did not have to resort to this in such a long time. Hopefully it was worth debasing himself in exchange for finding sleep. He categorically avoided analyzing the implications of Yorozuya being the one driving him to such disgraceful actions. No overthinking scheduled for tonight. Desperate times called for desperate measures. And if he was one thing right about now it was desperate. 

Needless to say, it was all Gintoki’s fault. Why did he have to give him such a licentious look he could not forget about? Whatever wicked game the penniless moron was playing these days, it increasingly felt like Hijikata was losing pathetically.

His hips inadvertently lifted into his touch. To keep silent, he dug his fingernails into his free palm and bit his lower lip but a few undignified sounds slipped away from him anyway. As his movements became more frantic, his mind - regrettably - returned to Yorozuya, and how those usually dead fish eyes had been uncommonly wide and focussed on him. The way his gaze had locked on his lips over and over again as if withstanding a temptation. And if mere throat kissing put Hijikata’s body in such an embarrassing uproar, what else would that mouth be capable of-

He surprised himself with his own grunt resounding deep in the back of his throat at the thought, impatient and ardent.Yep, that ranked a 10/10 on the seppuku metre. A warm feeling was starting to pool in his stomach, unfamiliar after the prolonged inactivity. As much as he screwed his eyes shut, he could not get rid of Gintoki’s image burned into his eyelids. Why would he be thinking of that bastard when…when...

* * *

"...when he is sure not to waste a single thought about me in return!", Gintoki ranted. "Do you know what he's up to instead? Oh, I'll tell you! Diving straight into paperwork or polishing his sword because of some nonsensical doctrine along the lines of 'the blade is the window to a man's soul'! While I'm getting worked up over nothing all by myself. Isn't that sad?", he finished. The dull eyes of his Justaway alarm clock stared back at him, indifferent to his plight. 

“So you agree that I'm a pathetic loser, is that it??”, Gintoki howled and smashed the offending device against the nearest wall with his pillow, blowing his fifth alarm clock this month to smithereens. Who needed alarm clocks anyway? No waking up, no cry. Easy as that.

Sulking, he grabbed two ends of his blanket, rolled over his futon a couple of times and into a moping burrito, only his head peeking out. In a huff, he blew a couple of curly strands out of his face. What a fucking miserable day. It was this burrito against the world, seeing how everyone he surrounded himself with had decided to give him a hard time.

After he had returned to the festival grounds to collect his protégés, it turned out that Otae had allowed Kagura one dessert too many, or maybe, who knows, _ten_ . The kid was on the sugar rush of her life, talking way too quickly and way too much, bouncing off the walls after they had finally managed to return home. The one causing this hassle in the first place had the easy way out of course by going back to her family dojo together with Shinpachi. It had been a nightmare convincing, _begging_ Kagura to go to bed, and he ended up tucking her in four times because she would just be up and talking his ears off a few minutes later.

At least it had kept his mind off his fucking Hijikata issues. Not _fucking_ Hijikata. His Hijikata-related issues. Ehm, anyway. Now that he was back in his room without a fourteen-year old misusing his arms as monkey bars, the reality of what he had done in a moment of imprudent spontaneity came crashing down on him. He had to be the stupidest samurai in the universe.

Out of a morbid and self-deprecating interest, he had imagined what kissing Hijikata would be like so many times that he was starting to feel genuinely curious. Who could hold it against him - after all, the last time this high-strung guy saw any action was probably about _never_ , so Gintoki felt intrigued at guessing what his reactions might be like. 

The problem was that he sometimes thought about it randomly and in situations where he may _haps_ shouldn’t; in the middle of a job, with a cup of sake in his hand when he did the rounds at bars, late at night when sleep wouldn’t come and insomnia had him tossing and turning.

Like right now. 

He’d scream into his hands if both his arms weren’t pinned tightly to his sides in this superior burrito form. When had throbby-vein boy assumed such a central role in his life? When had he become the focal point around which everything else revolved? This pointless bet must be getting to his head because the way he could not control his impulsiveness around Hijikata made him wonder what his real incentive was to keep pushing on. The proof was right there: Was this really him, king of sweets, referring to the chance of winning a year’s supply of parfaits as ‘pointless’?

Needless to say, it was all Hijikata's fault for being so oblivious to his own charms. Unknowingly he had turned the tables on Gintoki and his brilliant scheme of seducing him into a kiss. He wanted to laugh at the absurd idea of unwittingly becoming the one who was being seduced - but at the same time couldn't stop thinking about how uncharacteristically vulnerable Hijikata had looked tonight, nor about the sound he had uttered. The mere memory caused a renewed rush of heat to his face and neither regions.

Okay, so what if his analog stick wanted a man - no big deal. Gintoki's motto was that expanding your preference to both genders gave you more to choose from. More fish in the ocean, and all that. But why, for heaven’s sake, did his analog stick have to take a spin like a wheel of (mis)fortune and land on the dullest, most ill-tempered sourpuss this side of the galaxy?

Still, said sourpuss had most certainly not stopped him from getting a tad bit more physical on this occasion. The knowledge set something off in Gintoki’s chest, fluttering and flickering just underneath his skin. How differently might this day have ended if it wasn’t for Hijikata’s conscientiousness and the need to be constantly available to his superior’s every whim? They might have engaged in some heavy making out, or Hijikata might have beaten the living daylights out of him for trying - it didn’t really matter because bizarrely, both served as a massive turn-on. 

_Ha. Hahaha. Ugh._

Was he so utterly touch-starved that his body and mind just latched onto the nearest thing to physical closeness, even if it was a literal fistfight? If that was the level of pathetic he had reached, then nobody could blame him for wanting to alleviate the tension, right? Just to get this temporary infatuation out of his system. This wouldn’t kick Gintama out of its prime time slot, right? 

At least in the uninterrupted space of his daydreams he could continue where they had left off; stroking Hijikata's bared thigh with more confidence, marvelling at scarlet cheeks, pushing the other’s body back against the soft grass. 

Before Gintoki could as much as unfurl from his state of human burrito did the door fly open and brought a whirlwind of Kagura, much too energetic for this time of day. Much too energetic for Gintoki to deal with at any time, actually. A man can't discuss the superiority of One Punch Man over Mob Psycho in his own four walls _nor_ indulge in some R-rated fantasies apparently. 

"Ka-gu-ra. Could you not burst into my room in the middle of the night?" 

_Especially not when I'm having very platonic and absolutely appropriate thoughts about that guy, y'know, the one with the abominable eating habits and anger issues?_

All he could make out in the sudden brightness of the light streaming in through the open door was her dark outline and the white of her wide open eyes gleaming with sleep deprivation. 

"Gin-chan, I just had an epitome”, she announced, dead serious. Then she stepped in and yanked at his blanket with so much ferocity that he spun through the air like a pancake flipped in the pan. 

Gintoki, rudely interrupted in his reveries, took a moment to catch on. “Hah? Do you by any chance mean ‘epiphany’?”

“That’s what I just said, dummy! Have some manners and listen to me when I’m talking. Mami was absolutely right about men never being able to listen.” The words gushed out of her and Gintoki would have liked to prove her theory wrong but it was difficult at best if not impossible to get in a word when the sugar high caused her to talk at the speed of light. 

“It was too quiet for me to fall asleep so it got me thinking about the big questions in life...like if I hit myself and it hurts, does that make me weak or strong? Who decided on the order of the alphabetical order? And will we ever find out whether there is life in outer space?”

Gintoki gave her the kind of pointed look he hoped encapsulated his feelings of _duh!_ but the little pest continued staring at him as if she expected him to provide the answers. 

“Kagura, you’re an Amanto. Where do you think you came from?? Also, are you trying to become TikTok famous with your ‘mind blowing’ question series? Go to bed and let Gin-san have his beauty sleep!”

“Sleep....why do people say that they ‘slept like a baby’ if they slept through the night when babies are known for not sleeping?”

Just marvellous. It would be a long night.

* * *

"Vice-Commander, won't you finish that cup of coffee first?" 

Yamazaki’s cautious hint prompted Hijikatka to pause stirring mayo into his fourth cup of coffee for that day. Never mind that it was barely even midday. Fair enough, there was another steaming cup sitting forgotten on the table to his left, the pale yellow of the mayo topping half drowned in the black liquid. 

“I cannot recall that it says anywhere in the Shinsengumi’s forty-five regulations that it’s prohibited to drink two cups of coffee at the same time?”, Hijikata snarled before he grabbed the mug with the energy of a man going in for the kill and downed the beverage in one single gulp. Yamazaki had the presence of mind to flinch away at the display of pure aggression, which improved his mood marginally. Giving the simpleton a good fright always did that for him.

Truth be told, Hijikata needed all the caffeine he could get his hands on. Last night, his hopes of sinking into salvific sleep after wearing himself out had been cruelly betrayed. After a few fleeting minutes of blanked out bliss, the mortification of what he had just done had set in with full force. Less so the action itself and to a much greater degree the moronic face that kept passing through his mind all the while. And afterwards, too. 

In the end, Hijikata had been unable to sleep despite his best efforts, forced to spend most of the night staring holes into the ceiling. Was the leech basically living rent-free (not because he wasn’t charged but because he could not pay up) above the old bat's liquor shop not enough? Did he have to live rent-free in people’s heads now, too?

Incandescent at the thought of how much rent money Yorozuya technically owed him, he could feel the cup cracking under the force of his grip. Yamazaki must have felt that his presence was not wanted in the least because he stammered out a pathetic excuse about “leaving the stove on” and “having to go be somewhere else”. 

Just fine with Hijikata - if he hadn’t been immediately replaced by Koudou plonking himself down on the other side of the table overlooking the inner courtyard. 

With a benevolent smile, he pushed a plate laded with food towards him. “Have some lunch, Toshi, that’ll cheer you up!”

“Who the hell said I’m in a bad mood?”, he countered but took a piece of sushi anyway. 

With everything else that had happened last night he completely forgot that a certain busybody had deprived him not only of sleep but also his dinner. At this point, he would’ve even eaten a meal without any mayonnaise. No need to be so uncivilized though with a nearly full bottle resting right there in his slacks’ pocket.

“Just the men complaining about a sinister aura in this part of the barracks.” Kondou shoved two pieces into his mouth at the same time and gave an appreciative hum. “Something on your mind? Would you like to confide in your bosom friend?”

“I will never talk to you again should you refer to yourself like that one more time.”

“You're always so cold! Aren’t you supposed to respect your seniors?”

Hijikata clicked his tongue but could not keep a tinge of affection from his lopsided smile. “I may be persuaded once you act like one”. 

They spent a few minutes in comfortable silence, just looking out over the courtyard, a soft breeze blowing that dispelled the summer heat. For a moment, Hijikata was starting to think that maybe life wasn’t _all_ terrible. Then Kondou brought him down on earth. 

“Ah, right. I’ve actually come to talk to you about something. There has been a series of robberies in Kabukichou. Nothing major but it may be worth looking into it. Would you mind investigating if you’re free?”

HIjikata’s stomach churned at the mention of the notorious district. Sure, he could have agreed. However, that would have meant venturing into the chaotic trio’s territory and increasing the risk of running into _him_.

“I’m actually busy in another end of town this afternoon. There have been rumours about Katsura’s lair that I’d like to follow up on.” It was only a half-truth as his subordinates had passed on eyewitnesses’ reports to him this morning. So why did it feel as if he was brazenly lying to Kondou?

“No worries, I will just send Sougo in your stead.” 

Kondou enthusiastically pointed at the newcomer who just at that moment stepped onto the porch with a perpetually bored expression. “This sushi is delicious by the way, my compliments to the chef! When did we buy all this fresh fish?”

“Huh?” Sougo slowly swiveled towards his superior, and although his expression did not change by a fraction Hijikata smelled the danger rolling towards Kondou in an avalanche. "Didn't you cast the net last night and deliver the fish yourself?”

Through the high-pitched yells of “my children!” and the grey fog of Kondou’s soul leaving his body, Hijikata silently congratulated himself for making the right choice. This was for the best. Save himself the awkwardness of having to face Gintoki and just wait until the incident would fade from his consciousness. Whenever that may be. If that day ever came.

And in this way, he managed to effectively avoid Gintoki. In turn, Gintoki followed suit and seemed to have given up his newfound hobby of badgering him. Either way, he did not seek him out at the barracks anymore. Time passed, days melted into a week and things went back to normal. Except for the gnawing feeling in his chest telling Hijikata that things would never quite go back to normal ever again. Except that wherever he went, he half expected to catch a glimpse of silver and a sloppily worn yukata. 

Until eventually, he did. Just not in the way he would have liked to. Not that he wanted to run into Yorozuya in the first place.

Hijikata had spent the entire day in Yoshiwara, hot on the trail of the most recent sightings of Katsura in the area. _Just_ hot, now that these leads had led to nothing. The scorching heat had parched his throat and coated his usually shiny black uniform in layers of dust.

The Shinsengumi had no authority in the courtesans’ district and was in fact not welcome here at all, so he had taken off his cravat and uniform jacket to become a little less conspicuous at first sight. Well, the main reason why he carried it carelessly slumped over his shoulder - the world must think of him as some hobo in this unsightly state of undress - was because it was the hottest day of summer so far. He could not live with the image of his subordinates finding him dead from heatstroke in the most depraved part of Edo.

Or the second-most depraved depending on where the human disaster with Santa’s hair colour prowled the streets. On this day, the two locations coincided. 

At first he thought his mind was playing tricks on him again. That maybe the gleaming white light of the lanterns above the izakaya bleached out the hair of some random stranger who was unfortunate enough to resemble that guy. But no, there was Gintoki himself leaning in close to a blonde woman with a teasing grin. She looked vaguely familiar. Hijikata browsed his mental catalogue of acquaintances Odd Jobs liked to surround themselves with and came to the realization that she must be the Courtesan of Death. How could he forget her throwing knife wedged in the side of his head?

Despite her awe-inspiring title and violent tendencies, all he saw right now was a young woman with a crush so obvious it could be seen from space. What did everyone and their grandma see in this jobless and dysfunctional bum? Unsurprisingly, Gintoki must have said something that offended her because her already red face went redder still and she furiously pinched his cheek.

 _Pinch harder_.

The bitterness burning in the back of his throat took Hijikata by surprise. He didn't have to watch any of this, he told himself as he simultaneously stood rooted to the spot, unable to move. He observed how that big stupid perm head fended off her attacks and knocked back half of her drink in retaliation, his cheeks inflated like a hamster’s. Not one to be outdone, his companion squished both cheeks together, causing him to spit out most of the liquid in an ungracious splutter. Well, didn’t _they_ get along well?

 _Enough already_. He tore himself away from the scene at last. It suddenly felt as if someone was trying to crack his ribs open, making it difficult to breathe normally. A condition that wasn’t exactly improved by the Courtesan of Death who performed an impressive wrestling move that involved grabbing ahold of Gintoki, arching her back and slamming him projectile-like right into Hijikata. So much for sneaking off without being seen.

Hijikata was knocked backwards, all air pressed out of his lungs when the human missile collapsed on him in a tangle of limbs. 

“Oi Tsukoyo, I just wanted to be a gentleman and clean the mess all over your chest, no need to get violent”, Yorozuya yelled with a slight slur in his voice before he turned to look at the person his backside had just crushed mercilessly. Hijikata didn’t miss the way his jaw tightened the moment his eyes met Hijikata’s in sudden recognition, something in his expression shifting, becoming more guarded. Despite the wariness, his go-to approach remained to throw in a good portion of unnecessary humour.

“Were you trying to catch me just now? The police force sure is a helpful bunch.” 

“Shut up and get off, you’re heavy”, Hijikata complained and poked his side. “All those parfaits are going to your hips, Yorozuya." 

“You’re just jealous of my curvacious figure.” Gintoki wiggled said hips provocatively.

“Stop that!”

The blonde woman who had watched their exchange silently stumbled towards them, clearly a little tipsy herself, and looked down at them - both literally and figuratively. 

“What’s a member of the Shinsengumi doing in Yoshiwara?” Her undertone left no doubt that she was threatening him.

“Calm your tits, it’s alright. He’s with me”, Gintoki assured her, jabbing a finger at himself. “Isn’t that right, Hijikata-kun?”

Hijikata got no chance to interject that he neither planned to meet here with this derelict nor ever wanted to be associated with him because the woman called Tsukoyo beat him to it with a much more effective roar of “Sexist swine!” and a kunai aimed at Gintoki’s head. She looked immensely pleased when the weapon got stuck in his forehead. Blood gushed out in a fountain, and her victim fell back and rolled around on his back like a beetle unable to get up.

She stepped even closer to Hijikata and his hand instinctively flew to his sword, anticipating that he would have to defend himself. However, she merely rolled her eyes at Gintoki’s writhing form and sneered: “You can keep him.” Then she blended into the growing shadows between the street lights slowly flickering into life.

_What the fucking hell? It’s not like I asked for this millstone around my neck!_

The bane of his existence sat up with a groan. Hijikata discerned the pink hue dusted across the other’s cheeks, evidencing that it hadn’t been an alcohol-free evening for Gintoki. Again something rose within him like bile. He wondered for how long he and the ninja woman (attractive by traditional standards, he couldn't fail but notice) had been sitting here. What they had been talking about. 

The trickle of blood making its way down over Gintoki’s nose put an end to his spiralling thoughts. Hijikata pointed at the wound. “You’ve got… something red there.” Heh, whoever claimed that he had no sense of humour?

Gintoki half-heartedly rubbed at his forehead. “At least I can always count on the benefits of being an anime character. My injury should vanish automatically when it is of no further relevance."

"What makes you say that?" 

"Right in the first chapter of this story my house got damaged and was already repaired by chapter two without me having to lift a finger.”

Hijikata wondered whether these bothersome sensations would vanish in the same way if only he ignored them for long enough. 

They both got up simultaneously then, coming face to face. Now that it was just the two of them, the particulars of their last encounter suddenly hung between them. They milled around awkwardly, shuffling their feet. Hijikata was convinced that this experience surpassed the torturous agony of the nine circles of hell.

It was Gintoki who eventually broke the unbearable silence. “You still owe me for giving you a ride the other night, remember? I spent all of my money for today so maybe you could buy me a drink and we call it even?” 

Hijikata looked up in surprise and searched his face for any clues as to whether he was jesting. Gintoki’s expression didn’t give away any of his emotions. However, the composure felt carefully practiced and put-on. It seemed that, for once, Yorozuya was actually serious. Whatever Hijikata had expected, it certainly wasn’t an invitation to socialize.

"Do you see the uniform?” He dangled his jacket in front of Gintoki’s nose for emphasis. “I’m on duty.” 

“Don’t lie to me, I know your shift just ended.” 

He didn't want to know how exactly Gintoki came to learn about the specifics of his shifts. Nor did he like the idea of him walking around claiming the Shinsengumi’s Vice-Chief owed him. Might as well pay off his ‘debts’ now and revert to a minimum of interactions afterwards. 

Gintoki pretended to be more interested in cleaning the dirt under his fingernails as he waited for a response. “Just one drink”, he said casually.

Hijikata shrugged. “I guess”, he said, also casually.

With this they settled down at the wooden bar, just where Gintoki had previously wasted away his time. He indicated two orders of the same as before to the barman and seconds later two cups of sake appeared before them.

They simultaneously took a good swig to escape the awkwardness surrounding them. Hijikata was starting to regret that he had agreed to this because _clearly_ neither of them was equipped to deal with the mess they found themselves in. 

He could feel the other’s gaze resting on him and turned to blankly return the look. The unabashed way in which Gintoki contemplated him so openly was most disconcerting. Exhilarating, too. His eyes bore that lazy heavy-lidded expression Hijikata was so accustomed to but paired with the hazy flush he appeared more drunkenly content than disinterested. In fact, the overwhelming intensity of his focus on nothing but Hijikata was anything but disinterested. A sensation like hot liquid dripped down his spine. 

“Soooo…" The way Gintoki heavily leaned on the counter gave away just how much his sobriety had taken a hit. He turned towards him with theatrical slowness, a sly smile heralding some new folly. “Do you come here often?”

Hijikata, who had been about to swallow, felt the alcohol burn down the wrong pipe and coughed. “That’s the pick-up line you go for? You had an entire week to come up with something impressive yet you choose to sound like a caveman?”

Gintoki sat up a little straighter, eyebrows shooting up under the messy hair brushing his forehead before they crinkled in deep concentration. “What, do you want me to pick you up?”

Argh, that came out wrong. Hijikata bit his lip, both in frustration and to keep himself from letting anything else slip that could and would be used against him.

The silence stretched uncomfortably between them, the type of silence that simply did not exist between them before the _incident_. Any such gaps would usually be filled with arguing, or at rare times they would lay down arms and sit in companionable silence. They had never skirted around each other like this, too overly aware of each word, each gesture, each look. At least Yorozuya didn’t insist on a reply to his question.

Once more it was Gintoki who spoke first. “What have you been up to? Catch any criminals lately? I haven’t seen you around much.” 

Something about the light conversational tone vexed Hijikata to no end. Were they really going to sit here and pretend that nothing had happened that night? Was that what Gintoki wanted? No no no, wasn't that actually what he himself had wanted before their impromptu reunion? To simply forget about the whole ordeal? 

He kept his gaze down on the transparent liquid in his low cup, watching it swirl in line with the circular movements of his wrist. “I haven’t tried to be seen.”

“In other words you’ve been avoiding me?”

Again that flare of resentment which the unexpected sight of Yorozuya with the blonde woman had elicited. 

“It’s not like _you_ have gone out of your way to seek me out either, choosing to get smashed in a place like Yoshiwara instead.” Oh great! Why did that sound like a housewife accusing her husband of coming home too late?

An arm snaked around his shoulder, and Hijikata could hear rather than see the grin in the dark voice, suddenly much closer to his ear than a few seconds ago.

“What’s this now, did you miss me?"

A chin came to rest on his shoulder but he still refused to look directly at Yorozuya. There was no way of predicting the effect it would have on him. The proximity alone made him dizzy, the rows of liquor bottles lined up above the bar blurring into a glassy blotch.

"They do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Wouldn’t you agree, Hijikata-kun?”

Hijikata gulped down the rest of his drink to avoid having to answer right away. He could hardly trust his own words anymore. With a hand signal he ordered another round to stall for time and only then replied, gaze still glued to the counter. 

“You can bet I was fond of your absence in my life.”

He could feel Gintoki’s breath tickling his neck when he scoffed mirthlessly. “I’m over bets, quite frankly.”

It was the serious tone that finally prompted him to look up at Gintoki where he leaned on his shoulder, intending to ask what the fuck he meant by those cryptic words. But when he did, words failed him and his heart did the kind of somersault that had him worried whether it would end up in a completely different part of his body. A heart stuck in your left foot might be impractical when chasing criminals.

All the looks Gintoki had given him recently were enigmatic, difficult for Hijikata to interpret, and had left him with boundless confusion. In contrast, this one was full of determination, and left no doubts with regards to his intentions. The blood roared in Hijikata’s ears when he recognized the unbridled want reflected in Gintoki’s steady gaze.

_Oh God, it’s happening again._

Everything about Yorozuya’s closeness was incredibly warm; the breath evenly fanning against his collarbone, his chest pressing broad and solid against Hijikata’s shoulder, the fiery red of his eyes on him. He was pretty sure that the thin sheet of sweat starting to form on his forehead and back had little to do with the sake in his system nor the temperature of the room.

_And once more, I have no self-respect and am going to let it happen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This is the longest chapter of this fanfic by far with its 7.5k words.
> 
> Perhaps that's why this upload took a while longer compared to my previous one - and also the fact that I have been in a bit of a writing slump after moving flats. Writing sure takes a lot of time, and I feel like I deserve to lean back with a book now and relax.
> 
> High five to those of you who got the Alien and Shaun of the Dead references ;) Also high five to anyone loving two absolute idiots slowly falling in love. You're in the right place <3
> 
> Maryam, if you are reading this - The "do you come here often" is dedicated to you :'D


	7. One Hijikata special coming up: Remorse with a side of repression

Malicious gossip has it that Gintoki does stupid things all the time. It must be noted that those kinds of rumours are spread by liars and people jealous of his greatness and trying to undermine him by speaking ill of him. It was, in fact, only  _ occasionally  _ that he did stupid things. Like last week when he had opened a candy, accidentally thrown away the actual candy and then ate and choked on the plastic wrapper instead. Whoever had taught Kagura how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre had saved his life. Or yesterday, when he had tried to put pasta into his toaster to start a culinary experiment in the hope of saving water and getting it cooked more quickly. Don't try this at home, children. 

Letting it slip that you are trying to steal a sneaky kiss from a guy for the sake of a bet, and on top of that letting it slip  _ to that very guy _ might admittedly come under the heading of “stupid things Sakata Gintoki did in the twenty-*beep* years of his life”. 

Lucky for him Hijikata wasn't necessarily the sharpest tool in the shed. More like he wasn’t sharp, period. He had not picked up on the meaning of his words, or otherwise he would've kicked up a fuss and stomped right out of the bar, huffing and puffing. What he  _ wouldn't _ be doing was to continue sitting there, miraculously allowing Gintoki to rest his head on his shoulder and regarding him with a most captivatingly dazed expression, one Gintoki might just get used to. 

He had missed this, he realized now, the banter, the teasing, the flustered reactions. Knowing that  _ he  _ was the one to coax these reactions out of the Demon Vice-Chief. After Gintoki’s emotions had bubbled to the surface and boiled over the last time they ran into each other, he had been too embarrassed to pester his target as if nothing had happened between them. No matter how he looked at it, his rash behaviour had disclosed a desire he had been unaware of until that night. 

Fine, fine, that was a lie! Could readers of this fanfic please stop calling him out already!? It was a desire he had noticed against his will, and one he kept carefully locked away from everyone and mostly from himself. The only adult way of dealing with his panicked confusion was of course to avoid running into Hijikata at all costs. How hard could it be? He only had to keep it up for the rest of his life. And running was the thing he excelled at. Not the physical activity, mind you, but nobody could best him at running away from responsibilities.

Except that keeping his distance had not worked in his favour. Whoever invented the saying "out of sight, out of mind" had no effing idea what they were talking about! Gintoki had spent all his precious time either coming up with steamy situations they could find themselves in or being angry at Hijibaka for not  _ actually  _ being with him in said steamy situations. And he wasn't talking about another visit to the bathhouse. Although…that might actually be a promising premise now that he thought about it. 

The kids had repeatedly complained about his sullenness in the past week. What did brats know about the struggle of wanting to get laid by your rival? Nothing! Nothing at all! Fortunately nothing because it was a hundred years too early for them to show an interest in these things. Even some mindless drinking in Yoshiwara with Tsukoyo - after Katsura had insisted on meeting him in the area and stood him up - had proven ineffective in fully distracting him from the chain-smoking bastard. It just turned into one of many failed attempts to not think about this previously unknown side to Hijikata which he had been allowed to glimpse at ever so briefly. 

If he had to compare his dilemma to a situation  _ anyone  _ could relate to, it was like being presented with a sugar-coated three-tier strawberry cake (cream whisked by hand not from the can) - just to be negated a slice. Gin-san’s a very hungry man, goddammit! He wanted more. Whispered entreaties aimed at a figment of his imagination in the middle of the night while he trembled under his own touch were not cutting it. 

He was so close to the man haunting his dreams now, so close that he could count the long, glossy, dark eyelashes casting a shadow over his cheeks. If women weren’t so attracted to Hijikata - a painful lesson he learned trying to walk three steps in a crowd without a chick ogling the Shinsengumi officer - they would deeply despise him for having prettier eyelashes than any of them. 

Although Gintoki’s nocturnal anxieties deceived him into believing that the frenzied longing was one-sided, Hijikata's body language was telling a very different story: His upper body leaning ever so slightly towards him and how he licked his lips, betraying his nervousness. From this distance, Gintoki could even see that Hijikata’s pupils were dilated with an emotion he prayed to be interpreting correctly. It was far more intoxicating than the liquor before him and sent a tingle to the pit of his stomach. 

The greatest danger was Hijikata's well-known pride getting in the way of what they were on the verge of doing or being or becoming. Gintoki would know because he had made its acquaintance to the point where 'Hijikata's pride' should probably pop up as a suggested contact on Facebook. 

In the tangle of thoughts tumultuously bouncing around in Gintoki’s head, one started to single out:  _ He would have let me kiss him that night of the festival. He definitely would’ve let me kiss him. _

At the end of the day, that was all he needed to know. 

“You don't act like you were glad for my absence as you so vehemently claim”, Gintoki observed with a smug grin. 

He saw the objection forming on the lips of Mr Denial by the way they curled to snarl at him, but he intervened with a hand placed firmly on his thigh. Hijikata stared at it as if it was a foreign object. The alcohol made Gintoki braver as he trailed an index finger over a crease in the black Shinsengumi slacks and continued:

“I don’t mind taking the lead but you should learn to become more honest. You'd be surprised but it could just give you what you want.”

Hijikata’s consternation when his gaze cautiously flickered back up to him was actually quite endearing. Blergh. Just because he wanted to get it on with this guy didn’t mean that his thoughts had to turn all sappy and gross.

Bemused, he watched Hijikata break into a nervous sweat. “It’s so goddamn hot today”, he declared in a predictable attempt to deflect. 

With a noticeable tremor in his hand, Hijikata finished his second drink and fumbled with the buttons of his dress shirt. With the top one finally undone in a pointless effort to cool himself down, he restlessly twisted the neckline and fanned himself with the fabric. Equally pointless. Gintoki’s eyes followed the movement of his hand before they trailed over the now visible clavicle, over the outline of his chest against the white shirt, noting the shine of sweat on his skin, lightly tanned from too many days patrolling in the sun. 

"You've got no right…”, Gintoki ground out while hiding his face in a warm shoulder, probably both looking and sounding incredibly wasted.  _ No right to look this handsome without my permission! Have some consideration for the people around you!  _

If he needed any more evidence, here it was. He wanted Hijikata. The physical attraction was unlike anything he had ever experienced before in his life. It pushed and pulled at him, left a trail of fire burning along the inside of his chest. He could try and blame it on too much sake but really, it had been a long time coming. Even before this godforsaken bet his body had naturally gravitated towards his polar opposite, bumping into each other everywhere, tempers clashing, foreheads colliding, backs crashing into walls. Of all people why did he have to be so crazy for V-bangs over here, the type of guy who probably thought that Cinco de Mayo translated to 'sink full of mayo'?

"I've got no right to do  _ what _ ?", Hijikata demanded, leaving no doubts that he would very much defend all of his rights if they were to be challenged. Cop through and through. 

Keeping his nose buried in the smoky warmth, Gintoki lifted his forehead to check whether the bastard was playing dumb with him. He had crossed his arms in protest and there was no sign of understanding on his face whatsoever. Wow. Just  _ plain dumb _ then.

His level of obtuseness was maddening. "You’ve got no right to be this oblivious”, Gintoki chided and sharply curled the fingers still resting on the other man’s leg. There was an audible intake of breath and Hijikata’s gaze grew darker on him.

“And you’ve got absolutely no right to give me these bedroom eyes and expect me to leave you be!"

“B-bed-?” 

Now they looked about to pop out of their sockets and honestly, if a fortune teller had prophesied that Gintoki would find himself in this situation just a month ago, then this would have been his exact reaction.

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” Hijikata roughly shoved a hand against his face to keep him at a distance. “You’re drunk, Yorozuya.” 

“And whose fault do you think that is?” Gintoki heard his voice come out muffled against the rough palm. Maybe Hijikata was right and his speech did sound a little slurred. He fixedly looked at the police officer through the gaps in his fingers. Dense as Hijikata might be, he seemed to catch on to the raw honesty of his words because there was a moment of hesitation, then: 

“How is it my fault you drank too much? I didn’t hold a gun to your head and told you to swallow.”

A beat passed, then two. Gintoki snorted, unable to contain the laughter forcefully bubbling up in him. It took Hijikata way too long to grasp the reason behind his merriment but when he did, his face instantaneously erupted into flames.

“I didn’t mean it in that way!!”

“That’s what makes it so hilarious, you giant idiot.”

Lips pressed together tightly, Hijikata thoughtfully contemplated the bottom of his empty cup. Ahhh, maybe Gintoki shouldn’t tease him too much. He was somehow, incredibly, inexplicably, trying to get into the guy’s pants after all.

The dark-haired man mumbled something but either his words got lost in the clamour of the bar, swallowed by the clinking of glasses and roaring laughter of other patrons, or Gintoki was altogether too distracted by the tips of his ears having turned as red as Kagura’s usual day outfits. His blush always seemed to blossom there first before spreading to the rest of his face. Shaking off the nauseating thoughts that came much too close to  _ cute  _ or  _ adorable  _ for his liking, he asked Hijikata to repeat himself.

“I was not giving you…bedroom eyes.” Hijikata struggled through the words a second time, and his mouth twisted downwards as if the end of that sentence left a bad taste on his tongue.

"Pfff. What’s with the delayed reaction, that should have been your line passages ago! Who’s acting drunk now?”

Gintoki lightly tapped against the flushed ear turned towards him, tracing the outer shell.

“Regardless of what you did or didn’t do...you  _ feel  _ it too, don't you?”

Not expecting a reply - even less so an honest one - he let his fingers skate along the edge of Hijikata’s strong jawline, all the way down to his cleanly shaven chin. Without thinking about it, he tilted it upwards and towards himself. This was an act that would have normally cost him a few teeth or broken ribs. It was the alarm in Hijikata’s steel blue eyes that clued him in on why the Shinsengumi officer was not currently knocking his lights out.

_ He thinks I am going to kiss him. By everything sweet and holy I want to but- _

Barely resisting that very urge, Gintoki couldn’t help but sweep his thumb over chapped lips instead. Hijikata’s mouth trembled ever so slightly, and a moment later, the rest of his body shuddered in unison with his lips. They parted slightly under his finger, Hijikata’s breath coming harder and hotter against his hand, awfully unsteady and irregular. At first he had stared down at the appentage intruding his mouth. But when Hijikata’s eyes subsequently connected with his, all unfocused and sultry in a way that was so unlike the alert workaholic he knew, Gintoki felt something within him snap.

Unable to stop himself, he pushed the pad of his thumb further into Hijikata’s mouth until it brushed against his tongue. It languidly slid against his finger, feeling the rough texture of the skin there before Hijikata pressed his tongue more firmly against his thumb. Gintoki watched in breathless awe as he took his finger in deeper with a tilt of his head, of his own volition presumably unless he was being mind-controlled. Then he bit down just hard enough for it to be interpreted as a warning, a small act of predominance. A reminder not to underestimate him.

_ Oh sweet heavens, he’s killing me.  _

Half blind with lust for the man in front of him, Gintoki dragged his free palm across the expanse of Hijikata’s thigh where it had lingered forgotten, roaming higher, higher, higher until stopping close to-

Hijikata stood abruptly. 

With the impetus of the movement, Gintoki lost his balance and nearly fell off the bar stool. By a hair’s breadth he managed to avoid leaving a permanent imprint of his front teeth in the counter’s wooden surface. 

"I need to go", Hijikata announced stiffly and with that made a beeline for the exit. Gintoki was left with a gaping mouth, a major inconvenience down south and a frustratingly pitying look from the bartender. 

* * *

The coward got a headstart but though he may run, he could not hide. Gintoki caught up to Hijikata a few crossings down the road from the bar where they - at least in his view - had a pretty good thing going on. At least until  _ someone  _ jumped out of his seat as if stung by one of Prince Baka’s deadly animals. The angry  _ tap tap tap _ of his boots loomed in on the police officer until finally he managed to clasp his shoulder from behind.

“Yo, mayora! You ran out without paying even though we agreed that you’d buy me a drink. I had to put it on my tab! It’s a pretty long tab already without you trying to sabotage my household expenses.”

Not stopping once at his breakneck speed, not even to lecture him that liquor didn't count as ‘household expenses’, Hijikata shrugged off his hand. “Cry me a river, Yorozuya.”

He sounded livid. Gintoki mentally ran through a list of everything he might have possibly said or done to offend him. As so often with Hijikata, anything from saying hello to looking at him the wrong way might have set him off. Just take your pick and it was probably spot-on. 

Keeping in step, this time he caught hold of a furiously swinging forearm. One could believe Hijikata planned to audition for the role of a windmill - or a guillotine in the French Revolution. Gintoki found the performance believable and would've cast him. 

“Wait up, I’m not done with you yet!” 

“But I’m done -  _ so  _ done!” Hijikata whirled around, all flashing eyes and teeth. The way his voice quavered might have been unnoticeable to an outsider. But Gintoki noticed. It made him question whether his heaving chest was really the result of the quick pace or something else entirely. As much as he usually enjoyed watching this “I’m the Shinsengumi’s Demonic Vice-Commander and you better tremble before me” shtick, it was a different thing if you felt vaguely responsible for causing someone else anguish. Man, Gintoki ought to sell his stupid, useless conscience on Ebay already. 

“Has it ever crossed your mind that we were in public back there?”, Hijikata questioned heatedly. 

“Well, if that’s your problem…” With an impatient pull, Gintoki hauled them into a deserted side alley. A sense of déjà vu overcame him with the sudden realization that this kind of dingy location was where the shift in their relationship first started. 

“There. Not in public anymore.”

“As if that changes anything, asshole!”

Hijikata resisted against the tight grip he had on his forearm so Gintoki followed his natural instinct when it came to the bastard signalling what he wanted - and promptly did the exact opposite. He held on all the tighter, digging his nails into the soft skin of the inner wrist. It must have been painful but they were used to treating each other this way. It would be weird if it was any different.

“Get your grimy paws off me already!” With a jerk, Hijikata ripped his arm out of his grasp with so much brutal force that Gintoki stood no chance. Hmpf, the sake must be throwing off his balance and Herculean strength. All the alcohol’s fault he lost this battle, no doubt about it.

“Grimy? Hey now, no need to take a jab at my personal hygiene. I’ll have you know that I bathe at least once a year so Santa brings me nice shiny presents.”

“You can consider yourself lucky if I don’t take a jab at your eyes with the sharp end of my sword.”

For the umpteenth time, Gintoki asked himself where the fuck things had gone wrong tonight. “What’s gotten into you? You were such a docile lapdog before and now all of a sudden you’re baring your fangs like a rabid mutt. What do you want from me?”

A smile contorted Hijikata’s face, one that did not reach his eyes. Hell, it did not even really reach his mouth. It probably got stuck in traffic halfway on its way there. 

“I’m glad you’re asking. I want you to find somebody else to mess around with.”

_ Ah. So that’s what it is. Just how cruel does he think I am? _

“I am not messing around!!” 

Gintoki had intended for the statement to come out calm and explanatory, reassuring this overdramatic wimp that he was not making fun of him. But Hijikata was about to duck out of the side street they stood in and Gintoki would not allow him to run away from this, so instead he heard his voice come out as an angry yell. 

“You've got some nerve acting all high and mighty after invading my thoughts day and night!”

Stopping in his tracks, Hijikata half turned his head towards him. Hah, that got his attention!

…oh no,  _ that  _ got his attention! Gintoki also blamed the alcohol for making him so embarrassingly honest. Why did it always have to be him baring his silver soul and throwing away his pride just so this walking headache could get the easy job of being swept away by his charisma?

Not this time, it seemed. By the way Hijikata’s brows imitated the V-shape of his bangs, Gintoki predicted that he’d blow a fuse any moment.

"Don't lie to me, Yoro-”

“Why?”, Gintoki cut him off, tone competing in fierceness. “Why would I lie about having the hots for the kinda guy who gets introduced as the 'brain of the Shinsengumi' at the beginning of this manga but turns out to be as dumb as a box of rocks?”

The confession was met by stunned silence. Whelp, the cat was out of the bag now. There was no going back. Might as well lay all his cards on the table and show Hijikata what he ached for.

Closing the vast gap between them, he held Hijikata’s annoyingly attractive face in place with both his hands. A few chaotic moments followed in which Gintoki’s lips messily dragged over a cheek and a chin and ever closer to the corner of Hijikata's mouth in proximity to where they wanted to be. He knew what held him back. It was the weighty implication of kissing somebody when having a bet going on about that very feat. I felt like Gintoki was misleading him even as he  _ actually  _ wanted to kiss him with a ferocity that scared him.

Meanwhile, Hijikata stood as stiff as a statue, not uttering a syllable. His silence was unnerving so Gintoki continued his monologue of awkward ramblings to delay the inevitable moment of rejection.

"I didn't choose this, y’know?”, he murmured, hands sliding to the back of Hijikata’s neck, lips trailing to the other corner of his mouth. “I should've never said yes. Now you're consuming my thoughts and I can't get on with my life. Aaaargh, do you know how annoying that is, you prick?? I’m not in puberty anymore so I shouldn’t be doing this." 

He could feel the low vibration in Hijikata’s jaw when he finally spoke in a breathless rasp.

“Doing what?”

“Getting off to mental images of chain-smoking mayo addicts." 

Whoops. That was too much information. Gintoki probably ruined the moment if there ever was one, spilling the proverbial tea all over the moment, leaving stains to the point where dry-cleaning would be useless-

Except Hijikata seemed to like his moments stained and dirty judging by the way he yanked Gintoki towards him by the collar of his black shirt and slammed their mouths together. Teeth clicked in painful collision but Hijikata was apparently intent on ignoring the initial discomfort and started moving his parted lips against Gintoki’s, kissing him hard and deep and hungry with fists balled around his collar. The familiar scent and taste of cigarette smoke filled his senses, making his mind reel with the sudden olfactory and sensory onslaught.

_ Eh? What? Did that jerk actually get so pissed off that he knocked me out earlier? Is this going to be another amnesia arc when I wake up? Am I out cold in slumberland right now? _

Gintoki could tell he wasn't by the way this was so much better than any of his most satisfying - and most unacceptable - dreams. The enthusiasm with which Hijikata was now throwing himself at Gintoki was dizzying. Especially after gradually developing what Gintoki had thought of as a futile high school crush. It was all so overwhelming that Gintoki gasped in disbelief, at which he felt a tongue press lightly against his bottom lip. The sensation immediately shot heat straight between his legs, coaxing a low humming sound from him against his will. Wasn’t his getting turned on becoming too much of a regular occurrence for a shounen anime? He’d be out of his job as protagonist if this continued, sacked due to indecent behaviour.

His vision of the demon in front of him was blurry with his head swimming and spinning out of control but he could discern that his eyes were screwed tightly shut. Hijikata’s dark brows rested in that characteristic furrow as if he was chastising him even now. Though tinged with desperation at the edges, the more accurate description would be that he looked as if he was asking a silent question he urgently needed an answer to. Gintoki allowed his eyes to mirror Hijikata’s and fall shut. Just for a minute, just resting his eyes. 

Despite the fervor of the kiss, Hijikata’s tongue invaded his mouth rather timidly, speaking volumes of his inexperience. 

It was a sloppy kiss. 

It was the best damn kiss Gintoki ever had.

Hm. Technically speaking, it wasn’t quite kissing but rather him being kissed. Gintoki only realized now that while his mind was lapping up every eager push against lips, he wasn't physically responding to these unusually bold advances. At all. Hijikata might as well have smooched a lifeless mayonnaise dakimakura. 

Nor was Gintoki the only one who noticed his unresponsiveness. Hijikata slowed down and withdrew slightly from the one-sided kiss, face wiped clean of any emotions and carefully guarded. The stark contrast to the passionate display of mere seconds ago marked his transformation from Hijikata Toushirou to the untouchable Vice-Commander. Gintoki’s stomach dropped through the ground and down to the centre of the earth when he finally deciphered the blank expression. Perhaps Hijikata’s question did not receive the answer he was looking for.

_ Way to ruin this. I didn’t even do anything for once - and that’s exactly the problem! _

For the third time this evening, that guy’s bottomless insecurity was gonna make him bolt, and Gintoki couldn’t even blame him - but he also sensed that if he let him go, he would’ve forfeited his last chance before Hijikata would build up his walls around him higher than ever before.

So he hastily gripped Hijikata’s hips with a bruising force to prevent him from skedaddling and tugged him down for another kiss. Blindly stumbling back against the nearest wall to ground himself and to fight off the lightheadedness of the alcohol combined with kissing Hijikata, Gintoki crushed him against his chest. He slowly parted his lips and unhurriedly moved against the others, lightly first but then firmer, more determined, showing this bloody beginner how to kiss properly. Hijikata acknowledged the reciprocation with an unsteady intake of breath and by sliding his hands into the thick curls at the nape of his neck, tugging sharply at the strands. 

_ Oioioi, I’m happy too but no need to make Gin-san go bald! _

He retaliated by forcefully twisting some of Hijikata’s smooth hair, making him hiss. Gintoki wasn't sure whether it was out of pain or pleasure or a mix of both. Hair-pulling-while-making-out shenanigans ensued. Outwardly, he realized, this scene would have resembled their typical scuffles, well, minus the minor detail of their lips being locked perhaps, which turned this affair into another type of power struggle altogether. Inwardly though, Gintoki couldn't unravel their barely constrained lust and desperation. When had challenging and provoking each other led to all this pent-up energy? Gintoki couldn’t recall but what he did know was that the way Hijikata kissed him all clumsy with want drove him near insane.

_ We should have done this sooner. Much sooner. _

Turns out this kissing thing was even better when they were both doing it. He lavished Hijikata's mouth with so much intensity that the officer let out a needy groan. This shouldn't be  _ so _ good. Tilting his head to one side for a better angle, Gintoki deepened the blissful sensation and swallowed all of Hijikata's breathy moans before they left his lips. How much he had missed those noises that were nothing but pure praise to his ears. Ever since he first found out that Hijikata was capable of sounding like this, he'd been obsessed with wanting to hear it again. 

Hijikata slid his hands from the back of his neck over Gintoki’s shoulders down to his chest, making his skin tingle with electricity where his black shirt was unzipped. Damn phony might pretend not to get Gintoki’s insinuations back at the bar and to withstand his irresistible charm but he now sure clung to his body like he couldn't be separated from it, dragging and sliding his palms across his entire torso. Who would've thought that this uptight lawkeeper would be this handsy. Not that Gintoki complained. Far from it. 

With Hijikata’s hands all over him as if this was the best thing since sliced bread, or rather since bottled mayo, it was increasingly hard to recall that there had ever been the bet with son-of-a-bitch-Sougo. Immortalizing this blissful moment in a picture was a mere passing thought when Gintoki much preferred living in said moment. Even as the notion popped into his head, he decided that his hands were too shaky to take a clear picture. Besides, outside of the streetlights’ dim shine, it would be too dark to recognize them in the photo anyway. Ideal for clandestine activities though. 

Hijikata broke the kiss, and Gintoki would have complained vociferously if what followed hadn't made up for the rude interruption. 

“I've, ah, also thought of you...once or twice", he admitted, eyes conspicuously averted. 

Gintoki cocked an eyebrow. “Is this your way of saying that you jerked off to the thought of me?”

His face scrunched up in distaste. “You're so vulgar.”

“Just want to get the facts straight.”

Instead of responding, Hijikata moved closer towards him, aligning their bodies. Gintoki was at a loss as to what he was doing until he felt something hard press against his thigh. He gave a gasp of surprise, his throat going dry in an instant. By the bright red mortification simmering on Hijikata’s face he could tell that this was the guy’s wordless way of communicating his honesty. They had always been better at letting their bodies speak for them.

Somehow Gintoki achieved the superhuman mental feat of not rocking into the sensation. But he couldn't refrain from pressing his thigh harder against Hijikata’s crotch, just slightly. Just to make sure that Hijikata was indeed happy to see him and to eliminate the possibility that what he was feeling was the hilt of a sword. Hijikata trembled at the slight friction with obvious restraint, something Gintoki could feel wearing dangerously thin on his part. One hand slipped under Hijikata’s vest and dress shirt, starving for some skin to skin contact. If it was up to him he wouldn't mind getting it on right here in this back alley but Hijikata's glare indicated that he wanted some say in the matter. Tsk. High maintenance much? 

Gintoki’s quirked eyebrows said: "C’mon, nobody will mind if two pals have a little fling in a place like Yoshiwara." 

Hijikata’s scowl replied: "Your pathetic ass will mind when I drag it through all of Edo." 

Ouch, even Gintoki’s inner voice imitating the mayo idiot was unjustifiably mean. Fine then, change of plans. 

He brought his mouth closer to Hijikata's ear. "Hey, let's go somewhere”, he breathed, hoping to sound seductive enough that he’d agree without protest.

“Go where?”

Leave it to this guy's stupidity to kill the mood. 

“Oh I don’t know, Disneyland maybe. A  _ hotel _ , idiot, a hotel!" 

Hijikata’s brows knitted together and Gintoki resisted the urge to place the pad of his finger there to smoothen out the creases. “I sent some of my men to this area along with me to track down your Joui friend who was seen here recently.”

“Uhm...look here, I’m the last person to judge anyone's preferences but I didn't tag you as one for threesomes, and I’m not sure how to feel about you wanting to invite one or even a bunch of your underlings to the bedroom...”

"No!!" Gintoki was relieved to see a mix of shock and disgust explode across his face, although he was less impressed with the smack he received on his head. 

“What I mean is they might be drinking in the nearest izakaya after the end of their shifts - and I can't be seen with you.”

"How come, am I not good enough for you?” Gintoki snickered but his laughter got stuck in his throat when he realized that Hijikata seemed to seriously ponder this question. 

"Oi!!”

"I’ve got a reputation to lose.  _ You  _ wouldn't understand that.”

Gintoki presented his best dramatic gasp. "Are you trying your hardest  _ not _ to get laid here?" 

"Maybe that would be the better decision, don't you think??" 

"Why is nothing ever easy with you?”

“Right back at you!”

They had arrived at a heated stalemate of being equally frustrated with each other. Of course Hijikata was right about how they shouldn't become involved with each other any further but they had come too far for Gintoki to listen to the voice of reason  _ now _ . He leaned back slightly to contemplate Hijikata’s face, hoping he wouldn’t back down. The distant light of the street lanterns illuminated only one half of his face while the other was plunged into darkness. He couldn't tell what exactly was running through his silly little mind but it seemed to be the typical Hijikata special: an unhealthy mix of remorse and repression. As always in this twisted relationship, Gintoki had to be the bigger man. Or at least the one with the greater sex drive who refused to go home by himself.

Sighing, Gintoki re-established their lost body contact by resting a hand on his shoulder. "You don't want anyone to find out, hey, I get it. I can spare myself that humiliation, too. If you think we might get caught around here then come over to my place." 

"Are you out of your mind, what about your kids?" 

_ He really needs to stop calling them  _ my  _ kids as if I’m old enough to be a father...wait a second, I  _ am  _ old enough to be a father! There's only so many mental breakdowns I can handle in a day.  _

Trying to calm his nerves, Gintoki picked some imaginary fluff off his shoulder. "Patsuan never stays overnight and Kagura announced that I’m no fun lately so she went to have a sleepover at his family dojo.”

Hijikata’s response was an incredulous scoff. "No fun? The guardian who deems parfaits a suitable midnight snack?”

With a teasing smile, Gintoki snaked his outstretched arm around Hijikata’s neck and pulled him in. "What can I say, turns out I get a little sulky when my mind is occupied with all these great ideas for your handcuffs but you refuse to arrest me, officer.”

The hesitation had not vanished from Hijikata’s face but Gintoki could feel his resolve melt away in the way he let himself be pulled closer without any remonstrances. His cold glare also lost its icy edge.

"Just this once", he coaxed. "Just to get it out of our system." 

A short pause. "Just for tonight", Hjikata agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Ginhiji simps! It's nearly 1am where I live but I'm finally updating.
> 
> It's been a tough month for me on several levels and I struggled many times when I tried to focus on words for this fic - but here it is and I hope you're having as much fun reading as I had writing this. I actually have a few more pages written but realized that it's better to break them up - not Gintoki and Hijikata hehe but this chapter into two parts. At least that means I have got a headstart on the next chapter already ;)
> 
> I feel like I say this after every chapter but thank you so SO much to those who are leaving kudos, and especially those who have written such wonderful comments!! A few of you have left little essays as reviews, and I can promise you that I have re-read those lengthy and kind ones several times ♥


	8. Life is all about making a series of decisions so you can only blame yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The overall story is M-rated so this shouldn’t come as a surprise but just as a warning: There is a little more than making out going on in this chapter.

There comes a fateful moment in every man’s life when he reaches a crossroads. A chance to choose between two paths. One is a path of honour, a path any self-respecting samurai would want to pursue. The second path...well, let’s just say Hijikata had agreed to let the laziest, most mindbendingly stupid slob take him home so you can imagine the kind of path he was about to go down. As for his self-respect, it was all wrapped up and stowed away forgotten in a drawer that he was unlikely to open ever again in this lifetime.

Why? Somebody, anybody  _ please _ remind Hijikata why he had agreed to this. Until now he had been able to pretend that this recent obsession was just an inexplicable caprice that would pass as quickly as it had possessed him. Like Toshi temporarily taking over his body but ultimately vanishing again in the folds of his consciousness. But the free-spoken manner of this walking calamity had propelled these undisclosed desires right into the realm of reality where he could not ignore them any longer.

His eyes traced the outline of Gintoki walking in front of him, his back leaning on the more bulky side, broad enough to shoulder the world, dependable as people would claim time and time again. Really, he didn’t know whether to feel cross with the guy for exposing him like this or giddy with what the rest of the night promised. But how was he supposed to say no to Gintoki’s confession of wanting him? To his arm inexorably pulling him close? To those lips that felt so soft against his own chapped ones? Thinking of it, did this weirdo use chapstick to make himself more appealing? Probably, as long as it was strawberry-flavoured.

And if so, hadn’t it worked in luring Hijikata in? He tried in vain to tell himself that he only went along with this irresponsible suggestion because he was drunk - but the truth was that even on an empty stomach the two drinks he had downed made him a little tipsy at most, and by the time they arrived at the silver pain’s abode, the effect had worn off completely, leaving him with nothing but trepidation and a queasy stomach.

Presumably to avoid the monster trio downstairs from spotting them, Gintoki rushed him up the stairs so fast that Hijikata well-nigh tripped over his own feet and gave them away to the entire neighbourhood. Imagine the excuses he'd have to scramble for: "I had to come all the way to Kabukichou to conduct an investigation as to why this civilian is driving me wild” or “I was forced to arrest him…for taking my breath away." Yeah, as if!

He was spared this humiliation at least, and instead was dragged along, swept away by the unstoppable current that was Sakata Gintoki until they found themselves in the safety of the top floor apartment with the sliding door shut firmly behind them. They simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief. While the perm head hopped and struggled out of his boots, knocking into walls and objects that weren’t  _ actually  _ in his way, Hijikata lingered awkwardly in the entrance area. He thought of all the times he had been here, to arrest this law-breaker’s ass, dropping in as random comic relief, or as his alter ego Toshi requesting Odd Jobs’ help.

But this time it was different.

With a long exhale he slowly followed Gintoki into the sorry excuse of an office that was really just the room where this bunch collectively slacked off. The opened packages of sukonbu and cartons of strawberry milk piling on the coffee table and littering the floor spoke for themselves.

He saw Gintoki’s hand hover over the light switch. Undecidedly, judging from how it hung suspended in the air. Quickly stepping behind him and grabbing his wrist, he growled: "Don't you dare switch those lights on." 

A dry chuckle. "So bossy in someone else's house." Then, in a voice so low that Hijikata had to strain to hear him: "Fine, not like I wanna see your visage and be reminded of just how desperate I am, either." 

His back slumped against Hijikata's chest without a warning, strong and broad. Carrying the weight of the world, Hijikata thought again. And yet he also seemed oddly frail. Gintoki’s hair caught the moonlight streaming in through the large window behind the desk when he tilted one side of his face towards him. Silver and bright like dew clinging to spiderwebs on a brisk morning. In the stillness and dark of the room, for once not surrounded by the vibrant liveliness of others, he turned into a ghost. Something seemed to tear at his edges, making them blurry, like someone who had haunted his own memories too many times. 

Hijikata had seen glimpses of this Gintoki before, the one who fought with a reckless disregard for his life, apathetic to any injuries he might sustain in battle. The one who slid on a mask of indifference to conceal how much something meant to him, suppressing his own wishes for what he thought was right. But that man and his past were mostly a stranger to him. 

Gintoki must've felt his stiffness and inability to deal with the subtle change in mood because he broke the illusion with a suggestive half-smile and made the first move to break the ice. Turning to face him, he ran his hands over Hijikata's clothed chest, sensuously, spreading his fingers to feel him up unabashedly. Where did a loser like him take this unshakable confidence from? 

“Nice uniform you've got there, officer. It would look great carelessly discarded on my bedroom floor.”

Grateful for being offered the familiar footing of Gintoki’s incessant teasing, Hijikata retorted: "Like hell that's gonna happen!" 

"Well, I'm not sure how to break it to but generally speaking you'd have to be undressed for this kinda thing.”

Panic welled up in Hijikata, starting with a tremor of uneasiness that caused ripples growing to the size of a tsunami. Did he expect him to undress? Here? Right now?

"Here, let me help you.” 

Without much ado, Gintoki took off the vest that formed part of his Shinsengumi attire. Hijikata didn't miss how he unceremoniously dropped the garment to the floor instead of neatly folding and hanging it up. No wonder this household was falling apart! He was about to protest but then Gintoki started unbuttoning his shirt from the top down. 

He wasn't actually touching him as he set to work, not really, just his knuckles occasionally brushing against Hijikata’s skin as his chest became more exposed with each undone button. He couldn't tell whether those scattered touches were accidental or cleverly calculated but every time they sent a tingle travelling from the point of contact to his spine. Something about the action and how close Gintoki stood to him was so intimate that it stole his breath away. 

Once done with that job, Gintoki gingerly pushed him down to sit on the blue couch, crouched down before him and unlaced his work boots. One hand pulled the shoe off Hijikata's foot while the other drew slow circles on his ankle and lower calf. He had no idea that being undressed could be this slow and sensual. A softness reminiscent of another time and another person and yet unfamiliar tugged at Hijikata, just beneath his skin. He couldn't take it.  _ God _ , he couldn’t take this. The gentleness contrasted with their arrangement to leave the lights off, to remain a little less identifiable to each other in the dark. Faceless if it wasn’t for the moonlight keeping them company.

He couldn’t take it, and so he found refuge in the more familiar terrain of roughness, impatiently pulling Yorozuya on top of him as he let himself fall back on the sofa. Gintoki gave a strangled noise of surprise as he flattened Hijikata against the furniture. Ugh, heavy. He clearly had not thought this through. Gintoki flashed that obnoxious grin at him, the one that could drive him up a wall - or right into his arms apparently. 

"Didn't know you were so eager for Gin-san to top you” he sneered. Hijikata wanted to shut him up badly but Gintoki actually beat him to it. He leaned down and brushed his lips against Hijikata’s, slower and more controlled than the turbulent collision of lips and tongues in Yoshiwara’s back alley. Instantaneously he could feel himself fall under the spell of it. Hijikata had heard of people describing their heart as skipping a beat but his decided to jump all over the place, playing an entire game of hopscotch. Gintoki gave a satisfied hum, his hand coming up to gently cradle the side of his face.

Determined not to allow any of this tender nonsense between them, Hijikata let his teeth sink into his lower lip, nails digging violently into his back. Yorozuya didn’t seem to be bothered; if anything he appeared to be turned on by some harsher nips and the sharpness of their kisses. The only things that could be heard in the nightly stillness were the rustling of clothes as Gintoki settled in more comfortably between his legs and their haggard breaths as they hastily fought for touch, hands roaming greedily over any expanse of skin they could find. 

Hijikata quickly became frustrated with trying to blindly untie Gintoki’s stupid stubborn belts holding his yukata in place, so he harshly tugged at his left shoulder instead where the white garment clung to his frame. The imbecile probably thought this lackadaisical look was cool or fashionable. It slipped off and pooled around his waist. However, his endeavours to get him undressed were abruptly interrupted when Gintoki kissed down his throat. He must have figured out by now that it was one of his weak spots, and it was so like him to take full advantage of any weaknesses. Pleasure burned through Hijikata, heat rushing to his fingertips and toes.

It was only when Gintoki started sucking on a patch of skin there that Hijikata came back to his senses momentarily. “Not on my throat, idiot!”, he reproved. “What if anyone sees the marks?" He neglected to mention the other reason, namely that he’d rather not have a physical reminder of this night lingering on his skin.

"What then? Wouldn't they just congratulate you for having fun once in your life?", Gintoki mumbled against his throat. He tried to ignore how the low timber by his ear sent shivers down his spine. 

"I mean it. If you leave a hickey, I’ll seriously kill you.” 

With a careless shrug, Gintoki moved lower, nipping at his collarbone so unexpectedly and sharply that Hijikata’s hips involuntarily bucked up. His lack of control would have been humiliating enough but misfortune seldom came alone. To make matters worse, his reaction caused their arousals to brush against each other through their clothes. While Hijikata turned his head away to hide how much the physical contact affected him, Gintoki did not even attempt to conceal his honest response, his hips rolling into the sensation self-indulgently, a low moan rumbling deep in his chest. He wasn’t holding back, and this was exactly how they had ended up in this situation, all because Gintoki refused to care about decorum and did whatever he wanted in the spur of the moment. 

Trembling, Hijikata struggled to regain his composure but the man above him would not let him recover. With Gintoki’s fingers trailing over his bare chest making it impossible to think straight, or  _ act  _ straight, Hijikata realized too late that they were moving dangerously low, inching inexorably towards his heat. Before he could do anything to prevent it, Gintoki’s hand had gripped him firmly through his trousers. Hijikata couldn't help the choked cry from escaping. Sheer willpower alone prevented his body from rocking into the touch as Gintoki rubbed him at a maddingly slow pace through the fabric. 

At first he fought to touch Gintoki in return but the damn sugar freak pinned both his arms over his head, effectively immobilizing him.They both knew well that he would have been strong enough to kick Gintoki off if he really wanted to. And maybe he should be fighting tooth and nail not to let this insufferable pest have the upper hand but he found that this experience became a lot more enjoyable when he surrendered to the tantalizing yet pleasurable stroke. It was shocking how easily Hijikata resigned to the fact that he had lost control and didn't want it back.

_ Fucking hell, we should've done this sooner. _

Through the haze of lust, his eyes gradually adjusted to the darkness and focussed in on the silhouette above him. Visible only as a faint outline at first, Gintoki’s facial features were starting to become sharper in the silver light. He must've perceived Hijikata's reluctant submission in the way his body relaxed marginally - because aside from a pink flush across Gintoki’s cheeks that was visible even in the low light, he also wore an awestruck expression. As if he could barely fathom that Hijikata not only allowed for this to happen but also relinquished control. 

_ Don’t look at me like that. I have no idea what’s overcome me, either. Must've caught your highly contagious stupidity when we kissed. You’re making me sick, Yorozuya, that’s what you’re doing!  _

And it did feel like a fever took hold of him, flooding through every corner of his mind and body. Hijikata could feel heat radiating from his cheeks, his body temperature elevating to a worrying level, sweat breaking out along his hairline and his shoulder blades, shivering chills shaking his sprawled limbs. With every hitch of his breath, too high-pitched to his ears, Gintoki's brow crinkled in response to the sounds he made, drinking up every reaction almost reverently.

_ Don’t...don’t look at me like  _ that _. _

Feeling way too exposed under the ardent gaze, Hijiakata broke free from Gintoki’s grip on his wrists and threw a forearm over his face. As much as the steady stimulation made his toes curl, the last thing he wanted was to be reminded under whose touch exactly he was gradually coming undone. Nor did he feel prepared to face the acknowledgment that Gintoki, despite all his mannerisms that drove him nuts, was heart-stoppingly attractive. 

After a few more strokes Gintoki ceased, earning him a glare from behind a half-lowered forearm. A well-deserved glare, mind you. He didn’t know much about etiquette in this kind of setting but stopping halfway through must be considered inappropriate. Without looking down at what his fingers were doing, keeping those salacious eyes glued on Hijikata's face the whole time, Gintoki single-handedly unfastened his slacks. It was done so quickly and deftly that Hijikata couldn't help but wonder just how much practice this shameless Casanova had with this type of thing. Typical Yorozuya behaviour, right? Probably couldn't dedicate to one person just as he couldn't stick to one job description. 

_ What am I doing here?  _

Gintoki’s hand slipped inside without missing a beat and the question vanished into thin air. With an impossibly light touch he traced the curve of Hijikata’s hip bone and drew downwards. Hijikata’s glare turned into an unmistakable  _ warning  _ glare. Granted, they had trampled all over various 'there's no going back after this' lines within mere days - in fact he counted at least six of those oversteppings in the past hour alone. But Yorozuya had better considered the consequences of what he was about to do. 

The scowl didn't leave as much as an infinitesimal crack in that impenetrable wall of smugness. 

_ Oh, my bad. Odd Jobs and  _ thinking _ doesn't go well together.  _

"We can always stop if you want to", he taunted. Gah, that sweets freak knew fully well that Hijikata wouldn't be able to back down after being challenged in this way!

"What is it, Hijikata-kun, you want a safe word? You want a safe word or something? Just don't make it 'mayoland' because as much as I am all about fulfilling fantasies in the bedroom, I'm not taking you there." 

For a split second, Hijikata wondered whether it was really worth enduring all of this for a moment of sexual gratification. Then his awareness tuned in on the heavy want still coursing through his body,  _ despite Gintoki talking _ , and he resigned himself to having no other choice if he wanted to get this out of his system and lead a normal life again. 

"Stop fucking around and just do it", Hijikata growled, barely resisting the urge to cut the bastard down and skewer him - resisting only because turning him into dango would've interfered with their more immediate plans. 

Gintoki had the audacity to raise his eyebrows in mock surprise. “Do what?, he crooned innocently, all the while inching closer to where Hijikata needed and dreaded to be touched. 

Hijikata could feel the thread of his patience being pulled taut and snap in two parts. 

"Goddammit", he said throatily, "just touch me there already!" 

He guided Gintoki’s hand the rest of the way until long fingers wrapped tightly around him and...oh God. While Gintoki gasped at the burning contact or perhaps just the unexpectedness of his action, he was left breathless, mouth hanging open with no sound coming out. What disturbed him even more than how insanely good this felt was how hard he had to restrain himself from grinding into Gintoki’s grip just to feel more of that delectable friction. Not that he had to wait long. 

Impatient as ever, Gintoki didn't grant him a moment to compose himself but picked right up where he left off before, settling back into a torturously slow pace. It was so different, so much more spine-tingling when he touched him skin on skin. With every twist of Gintoki’s wrist he could feel his legs fall open a little more, unconsciously giving him more space. As mindless arousal took over his senses, he fought to keep any noise from escaping by biting the inside of his cheek. 

There was a sudden yank at his hair that ripped his head all the way back. 

Gintoki looked annoyed when it was clearly  _ him _ who should be infuriated for being treated so roughly. Although having this intense glower directed at him wasn't such a bad look on this guy at all...

Right, okay. If the harsh yank didn't give him whiplash then so did this embarrassing realization. 

"You're the most annoying bastard who never holds back - so why would you start now?", Gintoki accused but Hijikata barely heard him over how much this glare turned him on. Seriously now!! His stomach shouldn't feel the way it did just because Yorozuya looked daggers at him and pulled a little at his hair. 

Gintoki strengthened his grip with a vicious curl of his fingers. Hijikata could almost hear some of his hair tearing at the roots. He let out a whimper that he wished conveyed pain or discomfort but they both knew it didn't. 

"You're such an M", Gintoki deadpanned, overtly unable to suppress the grin that tugged on one corner of his mouth. 

"Shut it!" Desperately wanting to change the topic, he added: "And what did you mean anyway? Why would I start doing  _ what _ exactly?" 

"I'm  _ saying _ , don't hold back like that." The pull on his hair intensified until Hijikata's neck was bent back as far as it would go, his throat bared like prey's to a predator. "Let me hear you."

"Make me", Hijikata retorted without thinking. Because challenging each other was something he was familiar with under these novel circumstances, because that was what they  _ did _ . 

Aaaaand it was also the entirely wrong thing to say to a competitive bastard like Gintoki. Hijikata would know because he, too, was a competitive bastard. Takes one to know one. Determination took over Gintoki’s features as he tightened his grip on that sticky heat once more, his hand moving quicker, more erratically than before. Hijikata’s entire body arched into the touch, unable to keep control of himself any longer. He wouldn't last long like this.

Especially not with Gintoki's face spelling out his desire so blatantly in an indolent but lustful grin, in the way dark maroon roamed over his body, touching him with gaze as much as hands. This was all wrong, he shouldn't make this kind of face at him. It only fully hit Hijikata then and there that the other man actually wanted this just as much as he did, and it sent another wave of heat rolling over him. 

On an impulse he reached up as if to wipe away that unbearable expression but stopped halfway when he noticed the glimmer of surprise in Gintoki’s eye. Ugh, did his gesture come across as wanting to embrace him? Hastily changing his course, he forcefully clutched at the front of that familiar black shirt instead, unconsciously pulling the man on top of him closer in the process. He could feel his weight press into him and his breath fan against his cheek.

“Nhh...fuck, Yorozuya “, Hijikata slurred, the last syllable hitching with his breath as Gintoki’s thumb brushed over a particulary sensitive spot. Gintoki uttered something that sounded like a gasp and apparently took this as his cue to double his efforts - if that was physically possible. His entire body rocked back and forth with the frantic movements. Hijikata could feel his own back slide over the blue upholstery with the momentum until his head hung over the edge of the couch. The furniture scraped rhythmically, noisily over the floor beneath them. He wouldn’t be surprised if the pesky trio downstairs were to overhear the ruckus and wonder whether the ceiling was coming down on them in a rain of splintered wood. He was past caring. All that mattered was that Gintoki would not stop. 

Through the mounting pleasure, Hijikata could hear a constant stream of curses falling from his own lips. Ah, fuck it. Hoping that the overall clamour they were making would cover him, he allowed himself to give into Gintoki’s demand and vocalize all of this bottled-up delirious desire, his shaking breaths broken by low and throaty moans that he couldn't believe he was the source of. His hips lifted all too eagerly into the touch as his toes tingled and thighs trembled.

As expected, he didn’t last long.

* * *

Heart drumming deafeningly loud in his chest, in his head, in his ears, Gintoki watched breathlessly as Hijikata's face scrunched up suddenly and then relaxed into a blank expression, all of his muscles that had been tensed up seconds ago going slack. The aftereffects of his orgasm had the Shinsengumi officer basically glowing in the silvery light, cheeks a blazing red, his chest glistening with sweat. They had not even managed to take his dress shirt off in their hurry; it was hanging off his shoulders, gaping open invitingly at the front to allow him a good long look.

_ Argh, Gintoki sustains 99 points of damage. Level of HP is dangerously low.  _

He wondered whether there should be some sort of regret or shame following what he had just done with a man who had challenged him to a duel when they first met and who in all likelihood hated his guts. But his last remaining brain cell was too occupied taking in how dazed, how utterly unfocussed Hijikata looked, his quickened breathing gradually slowing until he lay nearly motionless. It was annoyingly endearing how knocked out he was after just coming once. The alluring display brought out Gintoki’s more sadistic side that wanted to wreck him even more, mess him up until he would forget his own name. 

There had been a growing urgency in the way he had pleasured Hijikata that he couldn't comprehend himself. Almost like the night was ticking away all too soon and the Cinderella magic would wear off at the stroke of midnight. Hijikata had wordlessly insisted that this one-night stand was kept emotionless and ungentle by turning kisses into bites and caresses into scratches. It suited them, it felt natural to treat this kind of lover roughly because Gintoki knew from experience that he would not break even if he pushed and shoved too hard. 

_ So why? _

Just once, that’s what they had agreed before coming here, wasn’t it? So what was this sensation tugging unrelentingly at something inside of Gintoki's chest at the prospect of this night ending eventually? And what part of him ached at Hijikata’s insistence on maintaining some emotional distance when it only made perfect sense in their circumstances?

_ Hey author! Didn’t we just agree that I have no regrets? Stop making me regret featuring in this story in the first place.  _

As much as he wanted to admire Hijikata’s rare state of docility while it lasted, there was something wet and hot sticking to his fingers that demanded his attention. 

"Huh. Who would’ve thought, apparently you don't need to be undressed for this kind of stuff after all”, Gintoki said before lightly touching the wetness to his bottom lip, pressing the salty tang against the tip of his tongue.

He could feel Hijikata’s drowsy gaze on himself rather than see it, and judging by the way he felt him get hard once more the sight of his own essence's shine on Gintoki’s mouth did not seem to displease him. 

“You’re a kinky son of a bitch underneath all your denial and mental self-flagellation, aren’t you?”

Gintoki could almost hear the sound of shattering glass as the comment broke Hijikata’s stupor. Then he sat up so quickly and unexpectedly that their foreheads knocked together in a burst of exploding stars.

“Owowow what are you doing, turning into a battering ram all of a sudden?”, Gintoki wailed... in a completely manly and non-pathetic way. At least the idiot seemed to be in as much pain as him, cradling his head with one hand while he kept himself propped up with the other. Served him right.

“What do  _ you  _ think you’re doing?”, Hijikata grit through his teeth and the pain of what was probably a fractured skull, if Gintoki’s own booming head was anything to go by. “Those are my work clothes.”

“Well yeah too bad...it’s your fault for being so damn sexy.”

It was only a momentous flicker but he didn't miss the incredulous glance aimed at him. If only he could spell out his appreciation for Hijikata's aesthetically pleasing appearance the way this moron's face spelled out his self-doubt. It was his only redeeming quality after all! Why wouldn't he believe him ever after seeing first-hand how much he could rile Gintoki up? And here people claimed that Zura was the dumbest Gintama character. Well, think again.

"Anyway, how's your head? "

He watched Hijikata massage his temples with the back of his knuckles. “Buzzing but it’ll be fine.”

“Oh good, good. Good. That’s not what I’ve been asking though.”

Gintoki stared at him expressionlessly. Hijikata stared back.

_ Three, two, one… _

As expected, it took the greenhorn a few seconds to catch up. The reward for his pun was an elbow connecting with his solar plexus -  _ just abuse Gin-san more, won't you?! _ \- and Hijikata vehemently pushing him away to create room for getting up.

_ If this Bakufu lap dog isn't acting like a cat that scratches and bites when you smother it with too much attention.  _

Hijikata went to stand behind the couch as if to put a barrier between them, straining his eyes in the relative darkness to examine the extent of the damage that had been done. 

"Wasn't the metaphorical stain on my honour enough?”

"Sheesh, chill out, I’ll wash it for you. It wouldn’t be the first time that you made use of Gin-san’s services tonight." 

There was a pause as Gintoki leaned both his forearms on the back of the couch and took in the man before him.

"...on second thought though...this sight is not too bad, seeing you all messed up like this.”

The side of Hijikata’s hand met his forehead, precisely where they had bumped heads before. The impact felt like an earthquake rattling his brain. 

"Is erotic stuff all that's ever on your mind?”

"Yeah yeah, this is my true form", Gintoki conceded, finger in nose because...eh it had been a while and it was one of his character traits after all, wasn't it? 

He lazily watched the officer rake his fingers through jet-black hair, half-heartedly trying to tame the mess Gintoki had made of it and failing miserably. Good. He took great pride in being the cause for the unusually unkempt vision of this perfectionist. 

“Your true form, is it?” Hijikata trailed off, pensively staring at some indeterminate point at his feet. “So you’ve done this before? With a man?”

The question triggered an allergic reaction in Gintoki, with severe symptoms of a headache, nausea and sweat instantly beading at his temples. Images of Hasegawa drawing circles on a window pane and the words  _ bottom of society _ resounded in his mind. 

“N-no comment. Just go back and watch Gintama' episode 38 of the Scandal arc again. I don't wanna talk about it."

“And what is that supposed to mean?” 

Hijikata's voice, which he had tried so hard to keep subdued before, rose in irritation and Gintoki could easily guess at the reason behind it. Honestly…how much insecurity could hide inside someone who acted with the self-assurance of the infamously fierce Demon Vice-Chief? Against his will, Gintoki’s heart went out to him, his first instinct wanting to give comfort. He was spending too much time with these two young’uns strolling in and out of his house. It had made his insides all soft and gooey, like jelly beans left in the sun for too long.

But man, some memories you just don’t poke with a stick, and he was in no mood to discuss this particular trainwreck the producers had set him up for.

"I said I don’t want. to. talk. about. it! What is this anyway, an interrogation? Am I a suspect? You gonna eject me from this spaceship because I’m acting sus?" He matched his tone to Hijikata's because there was no way that his knobhead would outdo him in a yelling contest.

"What're you so defensive about, this isn't 'Among Us'! I simply asked you a question, curly head." 

“No need to bring in my hair, it’s not my fault it's an untamable mane!”, Gintoki nothing short of yelled at this point.

“It's your twisted personality that's twisting your hair”, Hijikata bellowed back. “Straighten out your morals and that’ll straighten out your messy mop.”

"Is this a shampoo commercial or recruitment for church?”

An ear-piercing crash came from the direction of the entryway, followed by a croaky “Hey, Gintoki!!” Fan-fucking-tastic. The worst-case scenario had just occurred. That is, Otose had decided to join the party and pay them a visit. And from the sounds of it, she had kicked in his front door by means of announcing her arrival.

"Why is everyone out to wreck Gin-san's property all the time?”, he murmured in a low voice as to not alert the ogress to their exact whereabouts. 

"Don't pretend that this place belongs to you, even if it’s just a ramshackle hut."

Gintoki nearly gagged at the disrespect but at least the psycho cop had the presence of mind to follow his example and keep it down. Well, he had to be as keen as him not to be found by anyone in this deplorable state.

“What’s this clamour up in there?”, Otose demanded to know. Nothing like that hoarse cawing to put a damper on Gintoki’s libido. He was ripped right off cloud nine and brought back straight down to earth.

They waited with bated breath, himself kneeling on the sofa and Hijikata looking down at him with the kind of troubled expression someone who had just run out of toilet paper would wear. Then, to his utter horror, steps could be heard dragging towards the living room area. Refusing to be caught in the act, Gintoki half jumped, half stumbled over the sofa’s backrest and shoved Hijikata into the direction of his bedroom. With his yukata still half undone, he had to hold onto the garment like a Disney princess gathering up her dress and hurrying away after she lost her glass shoe at the ball.

_ Oi oi, this is not how this tale goes! The Brothers Grimm would be dismayed that Cinderella has become such a floozie, doing this and that with the prince before marriage. _

More falling than walking through the door, Gintoki slid it shut behind them, clutching onto the handle in case the old hag got any ideas of entering the room to deliver her lecture. Good grief...he felt like a teenager hiding his first boyfriend from his overprotective mother. 

"I couldn't care less if you got lucky for once and have a paramour over, or whatever today’s youth calls it”, Otose continued, that raucous scrape of rock against metal drawing closer, “but you’re making as much of a racket as goddamn dogs in heat."

The ominous steps halted right in front of the door. Gintoki didn’t dare to move a muscle and could tell from the complete silence next to him that Hijikata was playing possum as well. 

“The walls are rather thin you know, and I’ve got a full bar of customers down there." 

Gintoki groaned inwardly. 

_ Mum, please don’t remind the guy I brought over that a bunch of strangers might have overheard us. Don't scare him away mum, it took me a lot of effort to get him here! He's the type to scram when intimidated so don’t you ruin this for me! _

There was a short silence in which Gintoki prayed that the pterodactyl would return to the prehistoric times where she belonged. 

“Alright Gintoki...I’ll take your silence as agreement to pipe down. If I’m losing any customers just because you’re in rutting season then I’m adding any lost profits on top of your rent.”

The thought of having to cough up even more money he didn't have was scary but only half as scary as Otose storming into his bedroom and discovering himself and his archrival-slash-hookup in varying states of undress. 

He heaved a sigh of relief when her steps finally retreated. 

"We just came face to face with death", Hijikata whispered. "I heard the voice of the Grim Reaper from outside that door." 

“Yup, that tends to be the impression she leaves on people. At least she doesn't know that you’re the nightly visitor at Yorozuya Gin-chan’s”, Gintoki said.

"One more thing." 

Granny's voice sounded further away now but Gintoki discerned that warning edge anyway. That tone of someone who knew more than they ought to know. There was the short-lived flare of exhilaration that he felt whenever doing something improper but it was rapidly replaced by the universally known feeling of "haha, you're fucked". His stomach felt as if he had just swallowed a bucket of ice cubes. 

  
“I didn’t know the expression  _ undercover cop _ was quite so literal that they have to be kept under bed covers. But what do I know? Guess you don't stop learning even at my age.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /Arrives late to the party on a Harley Gorrilason, making it rain in ginhiji/ 
> 
> This chapter was surprisingly hard to write!! I have never written anything like this because in any of my previous fanfics I kind of just cut off before the naughtiest scenes - but I see it as a challenge and as always, hope I did these hopeless idiots justice. 
> 
> All I can say for next chapter is that there will be more treats :P


	9. What happens twice can happen thrice (and will)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not sure whether anyone noticed but the chapter title is an actual episode title, I just added the "and will" ;)  
> Kudos to anyone who gets my other references to inside jokes from various episodes throughout this story.

_This is the path that you've chosen_ , Hijikata reminded himself, heart still racing after that terrifying near-death experience. Let that be a lesson to him about impulsively following his carnal desires, even though it went against the principle of self-control as part of his bushidou. He had known that getting carried away like this would lead him to hell - but the demons sure were more wrinkly than expected. And spoke with a smoker's cough. Let _that_ be a lesson to him about the detrimental effects of his smoking habits. Maybe this was his wake-up call to finally quit this addiction instead of having to defeat Fre- Breeza in an attempt to find a planet where he could have a cigarette, should another smoking ban hit planet earth.

On the subject of addictions, the newest in his collection of unhealthy fixations was going to put him six feet under quicker than nicotine or cholesterol combined could. The old fossil had just dropped the i-bomb on them during her verbal air attack. The "I know who you brought home to shag and will likely use that knowledge against you" bomb. It was deeply humiliating, and that meant a lot coming from a man like himself who should be used to this degrading way of life by now. 

That aside, how had that old dinosaur even known that it was him in here when Yorozuya had rushed them helter-skelter across the room with the intention to hide them from view? 

_Oh._

Agh, the uniform! His jacket, cravat and vest were strewn across the floor out there in plain view for everyone who entered to see. Apparently he had been stripped of layers of clothes and intelligence alike. How could they have been so careless and, above all, how could they have been so naive as to believe that one of Yorozuya's meddlesome acquaintances wouldn't merrily barge in on them? At the very least nobody had strolled in while they were in the middle of something.

Maybe all wasn't lost. If it was only the abandoned uniform she went by, then she couldn't be certain of his identity. Theoretically it could be anyone wearing the Shinsengumi attire. Cue unwanted mental images. Hijikata shuddered at the thought of Sougo or Kondou over here at Yorozuya's in his place, doing what they had just done. Then he shuddered at what the two of them had _actually_ just done, unsure whether the physical reaction was due to the fact that coming here had been a flagrant error - or because, regrettably, it had felt _so good_ , better even than anything his nightly fantasies could have conjured up. 

He was doomed. 

Scrap quitting, he really needed a smoke. With his rotten luck, that old harpy must know exactly who had been trembling like a leaf behind closed doors. In which case he might as well light himself on fire rather than the cigarette. But before that, there was a pressing question that needed an answer.

"What will she do now?", Hijikata inquired, whispering still even though they had heard her leave for good this time. The gravity of the situation seemed to call for hushed voices and a reasonable portion of despair. 

"Otose? No idea. Pre-ordering her headstone and choosing a nice plot of earth for a grave maybe, or whatever it is that old people do when they reach that age." 

“Wha- that's morbid, even for you and this show! You know what I meant, don't act dumb."

"Ha?? Believe me, I'm not acting. Don't you ever underestimate how stupid I am!” 

So the jerk of all trades was back to his usual bullshit seconds after they had cheated death herself. Big surprise. How could this hopeless idiot be so laid-back? 

“ _I meant_ , will she tell anyone?”

“Worse…" There was the faint sound of skin slapping lightly against skin. Presumably Gintoki’s hand had flown to his chin, assuming a pose worthy of The Thinker statue. Not that Hijikata could tell in the increased darkness of Gintoki’s bedroom but that seemed like an imagine that was typical enough of this clown. 

His voice sounded dead serious though. Hijikata wondered with growing distress what could possibly be worse than the old hag tittle-tattling about the latest gossip to all her acquaintances: _"By all accounts the Shinsengumi are getting very friendly with citizens inside their homes now…"_

Gintoki allowed a theatrical, most portentous break, and then continued: "She’s gonna use this knowledge as blackmail to squeeze rent money out of me on a monthly basis, that old swindler." 

_Wait, what?_

“You're the swindler here! Isn’t that what you owe her anyway?!", Hijikata snapped. "She shouldn't have to resort to blackmail for you to pay your rent on time.” The vein in his temple was pulsing with so much ferocity that he feared it might become time to order the headstone and plot of earth for his own grave, with the massive aneurysm most likely forming as they spoke. 

He _desperately_ needed a smoke. 

Groping for the nearest light switch in the dark, he lit up the room and squinted against the sudden glaring brightness. Gintoki made a hissing sound like a vampire hit by the first ray of sunlight, which he resolutely chose to ignore. What a big baby. He inspected his slacks' pockets for his cigarette pack and lighter. Bingo! Fishing one mayoboro out, he placed it between his lips. 

"Y'know, granny won't even have to tell the kiddos you were here if you smoke inside the apartment", Gintoki remarked, nonchalantly leaning against the door. Or blocking his way out perhaps? His white yukata was in even more of a disarray than usual, staying in place only because he held on to it with both hands. Against Hijikata’s better judgement, his gaze strayed to Gintoki’s lips, plump but bruised and swollen, a vivid remnant of their physical encounter. How come he had never noticed their perfect full shape?

 _Oh no, he’s hot. Wait, focus! Focus on a response!!_

“I'm not the only person in the world who smokes.” He busied himself with playing with the lighter, unable to continue looking at Gintoki. “For one, your noisy landlady is a smoker as well."

“That might be but you made damn sure that smoking has become one of your central character traits at this point. Or do you honestly believe anyone would think of a character other than you when they hear of a nicotine addict in Gintama? Do you think you have any other distinguishable characteristics at this point?"

"Hey, don't make it seem as if my entire personality revolves around smoking!" 

"I'm just saying, we shouldn't take unnecessary risks in our situation." 

Ugh, maybe the dimwit had a point. Hijikata bit down on the filter testily before removing the cigarette and twirling it around with two fingers. Overthinking every move in this tense situation was stressful. And stressing about how stressful it was was stressing him out to the point where it became most stressful. 

…and Yorozuya must know that.

Hijikata stopped the twirling and eyed him warily. “You're just saying all this shit to get on my nerves, aren't you?"

There was that enraging broad grin that made him want to wipe the floor with Gintoki’s face. The same that sent the world around him spinning just a little. 

“Is it working?"

"When is it not", Hijikata grumbled but stowed the packet away anyway. Better not tempt fate twice in one day. 

"Don’t be mad, filling several minutes or pages with pointless chatter that leads nowhere is our specialty here at Odd Jobs. You should see us at New Year's, working around the lack of a budget by recycling the same backgrounds and dialogue annually like pros."

"There are no production costs because the animation team has to spend it all on rebuilding that fourth wall you and your lot keep tearing down."

Only then did he realize that Gintoki was regarding him rather too thoroughly. In the light that now flooded the room it wasn’t hard to piece together why. He glanced down only to see his usually immaculately tucked dress shirt - he made sure of that every day! - hanging open lasciviously as if he belonged in one of Kabukichou’s more notorious bars. Twin maroon traced every line of his chest and stomach as if Gintoki was trying to commit them to memory. It made him feel more defenseless than being caught in enemy territory without his weapon. Hijikata balled a fist around the front of the shirt to hold it together protectively. 

His eyes didn't dare to stray lower than his hips, apprehensive of the mess he’d find there.

Gintoki promptly verbalized his thoughts: "Isn't this public indecency?" 

The grin never left that punchable smug face, it just turned into something slightly different, something more wolfish that made the skin at the base of Hijikata’s spine prickle. He flung the nearest object that he could get a hold of at that mop of silver. It looked like a battered Justaway that had seen one beating too many. 

"We're not in public."

"Not entirely true with how many people have read this fic so far." 

More objects tossed at Gintoki in divine retribution. The panicked screams accompanying the lurches across the room as he tried to save breakable items were actually sublimely entertaining. Hijikata could do this all evening if there wasn't a major concern hanging over his head.

“I need to make sure these are clean before work tomorrow morning”, he said, tugging at the material of his trousers. “Do you know how to operate a washing machine without Glasses giving you prompts?"

"Duh, do millennials stan avocado toast and catboys? Are they shook about the latest tea that’s spilled and shade that’s thrown?”

"...I don't know what half of these words mean and I don't think I wanna know." 

“Okay, Boomer.”

“Aren't we around the same age?? Don't make me sound like an old geezer just because my head is not filled with useless memes.”

Hijikata hooked his fingers into the waistband of his trousers and with a sharp look signalled to Gintoki that he was supposed to avert his face. Just as his hair defied gravity, so did Yorozuya defy fundamental comprehension skills. 

“Can you…", Hijikata tried again, his finger motioning for him to turn around in a circular movement. 

Gintoki scratched his ear impassively. “Huh?" 

"...I'm…why do I even have to spell this out? I'm gonna strip now."

At last understanding dawned on Gintoki's face. "Ohhh, sorry sorry, gotcha. Should've said that sooner instead of beating around the bush." 

_Well, at least he finally got the hint-_

Gintoki plopped down on the floor, cross-legged, back straight, both his posture and expression unusually attentive. _Very much_ facing him. Only a box of sugared popcorn was missing to round off the image he was giving off. 

"What the hell are you doing?? I’m not a movie screen. Turn around already!" 

"But you said you were gonna strip!" 

“Not for you! In what language was that an invitation to watch??”

Gintoki pursed his lips in unconcealed disappointment. “After everything we've just done you're still gonna act so demure?”

"Stop pouting, it's unsightly for a samurai."

Disgruntled, Hijikata turned his back on him in a flimsy pretense of privacy, facing the large wardrobe that took up a considerable part of the room. He was not even fully out of his trousers yet when he heard Yorozuya give a suggestive whistle behind his back. No way. No way had he been catcalled by that perm head! He shot a dirty look across his left shoulder, except Gintoki wouldn’t know because his eyes were nowhere even near his face but instead glued to another body part altogether. 

The pair of trousers landed in Gintoki’s face with enough speed to break the sound barrier, earning him a series of muffled complaints. 

"Hey now! Is that how you treat the guy who selflessly gave you good time?", Gintoki accused with a pointed finger and the face of righteous indignation.

_Righteous, my ass._

"Nothing you do is ever motivated by selflessness, don't pretend to be mother Theresa."

Gintoki had said it himself, hadn't he? They had agreed to spend the night together just to get this itch out of their system. The mutual sexual frustration in their respective lives was the sole reason they were both here - in Hijikata’s case because he would not let himself get distracted from work, in Gintoki’s because he couldn’t imagine him having much luck with the ladies unless he paid them to escort him. The sexual tension gradually becoming more palpable in their physical quarrels had brought that frustration to light, and that was about the extent of it. Neither of them felt about each other like that. Whatever _this_ was between them, it was just the means to seek relief through the use of each other. No need to sugarcoat it. 

"Oho? Shouldn’t you be careful with your words?” Gintoki held up the sullied piece of clothing with an air of superiority. “I could just hold on to these without washing them, so that when you arrive at the barracks it'll be all too obvious to anyone who spots you sneaking back in that their much-respected Vice-Commander was up to dirty things the night before." 

...

Fucking hell, he had him caught between a rock and a hard place now.

"Got nothing to say? For a start you could try 'Please Gin-san may I borrow your esteemed services'?”

"What _services_ are you thinking of?"

“Considering the lewd state you’re in, you should know”, Gintoki leered, looking him up and down.

This conversation was starting to make him feel overly conscious of being dressed in nothing but his shirt, socks and underwear - the latter needing a cleaning as well so he couldn't even keep those on for much longer. 

"Lend me some of your clothes", he demanded, turning towards the wardrobe to hide his embarrassment and opening one of the doors with a spirited pull. He peered inside. Was that the same outfit greeting him on every single hanger? Who was this guy, Detective Conan always dressed in his signature blue blazer and red bow tie? Did he get these mass manufactured? 

“You seriously wanna layer up? In this infernal heat? My underwear is basically stuck to my ass.”

“There is a thing called too much information and you've just found it”, Hijikata said, only half-listening, as he tugged at one of the identical yukata to peel it off the hanger.

“Besides, I thought we were only getting started.”

His voice sounded much closer all of a sudden. Closer and full of possibility. Without Hijikata having noticed, Gintoki had gotten up from where he had been sitting on the floor and hovered right behind him now. He refused to turn around but could feel his presence. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end at the other’s proximity.

“What are you suggesting after we just got caught by your pruny landlady??”

“Might as well make the most of the night if this is gonna be our last meal.” Even with his back turned on him he could picture Gintoki’s careless shrug all too easily in his mind. Never a care in the world, right?

Hijikata busied himself with unfolding the yukata, predominantly to pretend that the proposal was not tempting. The garment smelled freshly laundered and faintly of strawberries. Did nobody tell this freak that there were other fruits on this planet to obsess over? 

“Go and make yourself a bowl of rice if you're so hungry, damn pervert”, he said instead of dwelling on the suggestion.

A hand curled around each of his wrists, firmly stopping him from his task of getting decently dressed. Immediately he tried to pull away before he could be ensnared but too late; as light as the contact was, it paralyzed him from head to toe, his movements stilling. It was the first time they touched again after…well, after Gintoki had touched him differently and in other places. 

"Hn, calling _me_ pervert, that's rich". His thumbs passed over the soft inside of Hijikata’s wrist, lingering there. He contemplated Gintoki’s hands. Were they slightly larger than his own? In any case, both of theirs were hands that had destroyed, hurt, killed. But although every inch of Gintoki’s hands was covered in blood, he had also seen them give care, nurture back to health, gently pat heads of scarlet and dark brown. It was a most inconsequential thought but one that gripped forcefully at his insides. 

Gintoki softly applied some pressure, and all of a sudden Hijikata thought he knew what this guy had been up to during their encounter in the park, when he had previously performed this same motion. He was searching, and had been searching then, for the pace of his pulse. The realization sent a tremor through Hijikata and his heart, _treacherously_ , picked up speed as if it wanted to be found. 

"Didn't _you_ also practically confess to having enjoyed some one-on-one time while thinking of me, Hijikata-kun?”

Oh and how he had! Not that it was something to brag about but not a damn night had gone by for an entire week without Gintoki either haunting his dreams or waking hours. And now he knew that because Hijikata had been so dumb as to blurt it out in the spur of the moment. He was grateful that the bastard at least couldn't see his panicked expression at being put on the spot like this. His touch made concentrating on a clever retort impossible. Hijikata’s mind was all thumb pressed against wrist, the warmth of skin heating his own, the sensation of his heartbeat pulsing wildly under Gintoki’s prodding. 

"I’m curious. What did you envision when you thought of me?”

 _Murder, most likely._ Not that a single word managed to claw its way out of his dry throat. 

This was getting beyond ridiculous. He would have to respond eventually unless he planned to permanently go with this taciturn shtick. But then his character would overlap with that mute chicken monster that Katsura kept as a pet, the one using cardboard signs to communicate, and they had all seen in the Popularity Poll arc that overlapping character traits was never a good thing if you wanted to stand out.

Hijikata opened his mouth to speak, unsure of the words that would come out.

“That’s...”

He didn’t get far. Gintoki released his hold on one wrist to trail the tips of his fingers down Hijikata’s neck, just about where he had touched him when he had tied the fox mask at the festival. That seemed so long ago now. To be fair, that particular chapter update happened months back, so it probably felt like a long time ago to the readers as well. 

Gintoki’s fingers continued their journey until they slipped into the collar of Hijikata’s shirt, gingerly sliding the fabric off his right shoulder. It occurred to him that he had never been touched like this before. Although the air in the room wasn’t cool - if anything it was stuffy and he was feeling hotter by the minute - Hijikata failed at suppressing the smallest shiver. 

“That’s _what…_?”, Gintoki echoed. “Too much for you to admit?" A knowing tone had seeped into his voice. How could it be that the most obvious things went over his messed up head but then he picked up on each of Hijikata’s minuscule reactions. That self-important ass knew perfectly well what he was doing to him. Always so cocksure in the way he carried himself and openly speaking his mind.

“Fine, I'll start then?" His voice was tingling at the base of Hijikata’s neck. Somehow the fact that he couldn't see him, and consequently didn't know what he would do next, where he would touch, sharpened all his other senses. Expect for his formerly insistent voice of reason reminding him that this was dangerous territory, which became duller and more subdued by the second. 

"I imagined you doing XX and XX my XX, both of us XXing, oh and not to forget XX", Gintoki informed him as if he was counting off items on a shopping list. He really didn’t have any shame at all!

The throbbing vein was back, having grown twice in size and ready to burst at another word out of Yorozuya's filthy mouth. 

“Your entire line totally had to be censored! It's just a row of Xs that makes no sense! What did you think, spouting your obscenities that are too much even for a M-rated fic!” 

Long time no talk; at last his speech centre mercifully remembered how human language was produced! Despite delivering his tsukkomi comeback with as much confidence as he could muster, Gintoki’s honest admission made his cheeks feel as if he had stubbed out a cigarette all over them. A thumb entered his vision from behind, coming up to trail along his cheekbone, starting just beneath his eye and dragging towards his ear. The digit felt cool against his burning skin. 

"You're such a tease”, Gintoki declared, or complained, _probably_ complained considering his track record of bitching about every little thing under the sun. There was no trace of humour in his voice this time.

_That's my line. Drawing me in every time in spite of my resolve. My resolve’s all crumbled on the floor! You better pay for a replacement resolve, damnit!!_

Not that this good-for-nothing had the money to pay for anything, including next day's lunch most of the time. No, instead he trampled all over the shards of his resolve with his next move. He must have either taken a small step or leaned forward; in any case his chest suddenly pressed against Hijikata’s back, melding in between the gap of his shoulder blades and the small of his back. Gintoki’s body heat engulfed him, pressed against his back, seeped through the thin material of his shirt. It was too hot in here, positively stifling! Sweat was forming at his temples and started to trickle down his neck. Shouldn’t someone be opening a window, and shouldn’t Hijikata jump right out of it? 

"You make it hard to keep my hands off you”, Gintoki said close to his ear, voice sounding oddly strained. As if the king of disarming candor had ever held back in his life. 

"We can keep those hands occupied by having you do some laundry instead", Hijikata quipped but it came out as an insincere half-laugh he didn't even believe himself. It was nothing but a last feeble attempt at preventing where all of this was inevitably leading to, just so he could present an excuse to his hurt pride for having tried. The truth was that as soon as the words were out, he hoped that Gintoki wouldn't actually be hit by a sudden compulsion of wanting to perform domestic chores.

"Are you like a nagging husband in his third year of marriage? Don’t worry about menial tasks, I'm known for being able to multitask." 

"You're precisely known for having a one-track mind actually, imbecile."

Gintoki paused briefly as if to ponder the character traits that had been bestowed on him. "Oh, for real? Even better, in that case we can cut to the chase and I'll just do laundry after I've done you."

And with that he pressed closer still, insistently, urgently. At the same time as Hijikata sighed audibly at feeling their bodies align, he could hear Gintoki's shuddering breath in his ear. Bashing in the heads of enemies did not seem to be the only thing they were perfectly in sync with.

The way Gintoki’s front pushed against his backside did not leave much to the imagination. In response, Hijikata felt a heavy weight settle on his own groin, one that was starting to become all too familiar. His head rolled back as shivers of need skittering down his spine, making him tremble ever so slightly in Gintoki’s arms around him. As too often these days, his body was disconnected from his brain and acted on its own, his hips moving back against Gintoki’s on instinct more than anything else. The latter groaned through grit teeth and buried his forehead in the hollow of Hijikata’s throat. His hot breath tickled the sensitive skin there. Hijikata was so close to losing his goddamn mind. 

Without warning, Gintoki's hand came to rest dangerously low on his stomach. He cursed his traitorous body for not despising the touch but rather tingling with a heady thrill of anticipation. He waited and waited...for him not to make a move? There was only so much time he could stand waiting with bated breath before he ran out of air, so Hijikata glanced across his shoulder to see what the hold-up was.

The look he was met with was so full of a longing he didn't quite understand that whatever he was about to say was cut off. It didn't make sense that this intensity was directed at him, both because of who they were to each other and because he was _right here_ in front of him. 

"I'm not gonna do it if you don't want me to", Gintoki explained, the serious side of him making a rare appearance rather than his habitual and exasperating happy-go-lucky self. "There’s no way I will let you claim that I didn't give you a chance to say no. And…no matter the...initial reason why we ended up like this...I won't allow you to pretend that you didn't want this afterwards."

"What does it matter?" He had no clue what Yorozuya was blathering on about with his talk about the motivation for this secret rendezvous when the reason evidently was them being equally sad and horny. 

Yorozuya, with his over-the-top sense for theatrical gestures, turned him around by both shoulders. "It matters to me", he said, and the sheer conviction radiating off him didn't leave room to argue.

Well _good_ because Hijikata was sick and tired of arguing with the nuisance. And perhaps, the part of him that still had a loose grasp onto sanity realized, perhaps it made sense that Gintoki would want to hear his consent out loud. There was a sliver of decency in him, the bare minimum required to occupy the role of shounen protagonist. After all, even though Hijikata had suspected that the sugar freak wanted to try something funny, and although he had initially presumed that it was a joke, he had waited for Hijikata to make the first move and kiss him instead of just selfishly going for it. 

In all honesty, his mind was entirely occupied with Gintoki right now - Gintoki standing so close he could still sense his body heat shimmering in the air between them like a road’s surface on a sweltering day, Gintoki’s sweet scent, Gintoki’s unwavering gaze, Gintoki’s everything - so at this point he would have agreed to just about anything. Black on white with his signature and stamp, if needed. 

_Let's hope that getting laid is gonna rid me of these newfound reckless tendencies. I need my functioning brain back, pronto._

"I want it." Hijikata grudgingly pressed the words through clenched teeth as he met Gintoki’s eyes, all the while struggling to define what _it_ referred to in its entirety. 

A mix of emotions flitted across the other’s face; surprise, perhaps at hearing him say it outright rather than just signalling his will non-verbally, but most of all relief. 

Afterwards Hijikata wasn't sure who moved first or in which direction, but their mouths clumsily found each other as he was roughly shoved against a wall, the pain of the impact immediately replaced by Gintoki groaning into his mouth. Hands found their way into each other's hair and tongues dragged over bottom lips as if they had never done anything else. Gintoki’s unfastened yukata was no longer held in place and fell to the floor where it pooled around his feet. Hijikata wouldn't be surprised if the idiotic stumbled over that later but decided not to alert him to the tripping hazard. Now let _that_ be a lesson to _him_ about not hanging up his clothes. 

As he clawed at the rest of Gintoki’s clothes and felt his own dress shirt slip off his shoulders on its own accord with how sweaty his skin was becoming, he couldn’t believe that they had wasted time arguing or fretting over scary landladies, any time on _not doing this._ The same burning desire as before raged in the pit of his stomach like an inextinguishable fire, by no means assuaged by the earlier intimacy. If anything its intensity had doubled, which did not bode particularly well considering the unrepeatable nature of this type of little get-together. 

Goddamnit, he was _not_ gonna get sentimental over one fuck. What happens at Yorozuya's, stays at Yorozuya's, or so the saying went, right? In that case their memories better were as short-lived as this snapshot in time. 

With more reluctance than he'd be comfortable to admit, he drew back momentarily, ignoring Gintoki’s whining complaints, to gasp out: "You better will have forgotten all about this by tomorrow.”

* * *

Gintoki heard the request and nodded in feigned obedience, about as sincere as when Pachi boy asked him on a Sunday night right before leaving the office whether he could count on him to take the bins out on garbage day. Dragging himself down those stairs and climbing right up afterwards when he might as well pretend to have forgotten and have Shinpachi do it next time? Hell to the no!!

 _But forget about this?_ he thought now, taking in ink-black strands brushing against red-dusted cheeks, that forlornly creased brow Hijikata bore more often around him recently, the steel-blue of half-closed eyes as he leaned in to continue what Hijikata had rudely interrupted with his unsolicited reality check. 

_Yeah, right. How could I forget?_

Gintoki slowed down their next kiss, a kiss he’d been trying not to long for when Hijikata had blocked any gestures bordering on affection earlier. Really now, following a guy home for sex wasn't exactly the moment to pull a 'no homo, dude'. Besides, he wanted to really savour this, _this_ being everything from how Hijikata’s mouth moved against his own, hot and sensual, how the long and deep strokes of his tongue made Gintoki completely lose his head, on to how it set something aflutter in his belly. Something that he could no longer blame on a stomach bug despite his aptitude for sidestepping the stray bullets of reality with finesse. No longer, not anymore.

He could feel Hijikata’s fingertips skim over his abdomen ever so lightly before they instantly fell away, as if unsure where they were allowed to stray this low. Well, he sure wouldn't display the same timidity. Not when faced with this chance of a lifetime to do things he never thought he'd be allowed to do to this belligerent idiot when the curiosity first overcame him. 

“I seem to recall that you quite enjoy being touched here”, Gintoki said into his mouth, one palm flattening against an exposed thigh. His hypothesis was instantaneously proven right when Hijikata’s breathing grew more laboured. He didn’t need to know just how much Gintoki had been wanting to feel the taut skin there ever since they had left the bar in Yoshiwara where he had managed to cop a good feel through his work clothes. Giving it a long squeeze (and a second and third just for good measure), he marvelled at the sheer strength when the muscles tensed up before trailing towards the inner thigh. 

He wouldn’t have pegged Hijikata as someone so incredibly reactive but the sound he produced, somewhere on the midpoint between a sigh and moan, left little doubt as to how the Shinsengumi officer felt about his touch. Oh _God_ , his voice was doing things to Gintoki, his head swimming with elation. Perhaps this was just the mindless arousal in him speaking, but he had waited long enough. His fingers dipped into Hijikata’s underwear - plain grey thankfully and not covered in hideous mayo bottles as he had feared, in which case he might’ve just blown off the whole thing on the spot.

“The lights”, Hijikata reminded him curtly.

“Why are you so insistent on that? Aren’t you a little too obsessed with the lights? What are you, a moth in man's clothing? Nothing down there that I haven’t seen before anyway”, Gintoki argued, perfectly reasonably.

“That’s not the point”, Hijikata argued, completely _un_ reasonably, before Gintoki witnessed the transformation of a human (moth) being into Sonic the Hedgehog moving at the speed of light. He was left back in a metaphorical cloud of dust as Hijikata purposefully strode back towards the entrance to switch off those apparently oh-so-offending lights. His heart sank as the room was plunged back into darkness.

_Do you hate that it’s me this much?_

There was a brief pause and then Hijikata’s raspy voice asking expectantly: “Aren't you coming?” from the direction in which Gintoki knew the futon lay spread out. Who needed feelings if you could get some action! In his haste to get there, he tripped over the yukata that had turned into a treacherous snare around his ankles. Falling flat on his face, he heard a snort and something that sounded suspiciously like a muttered “I called it”. He scrambled to his feet, his remaining clothes flying in all directions, and dove headfirst for the futon where he assumed his most fabulous ‘draw me like one of your French girls’ poses. Not that Hijikata would be able to appreciate Gintoki’s effort to seduce him in the reigning darkness. What a waste. 

Eh whatever, he could look handsome for promotional posters any other day, now was the time for actions! He pulled Hijikata down onto his futon - and if that wasn’t a phrase melting in his mouth like sweet chocolate from a post-Valentine’s Day sale, Hijikata on _his_ futon - then pushed him back eagerly, and climbed on top because obviously the top spot always belongs to the protagonist. He mapped out the planes of his torso, with his fingers first and then his mouth, wondering at how familiar Hijikata’s body felt when he was tracing it for the first time. 

The stubborn jerk struggled against the more submissive position as Gintoki greedily kissed his chest, but didn’t stand a chance now that he knew how to tame him with a yank at his hair, a more insistent touch sliding across his inner thigh. Hijikata groaned at the rough treatment and involuntarily thrusted against Gintoki’s thigh. 

Life couldn't get any better than this.

He wished he could discern his expression but the bedroom with its single window was even darker than the living room and it would take a few more minutes for his eyes to adjust. He had seen him earlier though and his mind, having committed each and every of Hijikata’s reactions to memory, filled in the visual gaps with ease. In fact, the very image burned into his retina was so erotic that Gintoki felt the deep throb of arousal in his abdomen just remembering it. He made short work of Hijikata’s underwear and impatiently took both of them into his hand, falling into a steady rhythm. Life just did get better after all.

Except if he kept this up, he would probably get too close way too quickly, causing him to decrease the pace and stop. With his fingers slick from stroking both of them, he slid them above and around Hijikata and on to the inside, preparing him in what he hoped was a pleasurable stretch rather than a painful one.

“Hey”, Gintoki panted out, “remember when you said ‘as if I’d let your greasy fingers near me’? Isn’t this situation on an Alanis Morisette level of irony?”

Hijikata gripped the top of his shoulders, pulled him down towards himself to growl close to his ear: "I swear Yorozuya...if you don't fuck me right now I'm burning this whole place down.”

And there was Gintoki’s cue for all of his brain activity to cease and to surrender the reins to instinct and senseless want. He couldn’t help the guttural moan escaping him at hearing Hijikata's threat, and then his whole world narrowed to the feeling of Hijikata desperately holding onto him as he squirmed to take him in deeper, to the scattered whimpers and then finally, Gintoki’s fingers replaced with the tip of his arousal pressing carefully into Hijikata. He willed himself to pause, shuddering from the effort it took to remain still. He really wanted to be nice about this and give the man beneath him a moment to relax around him but the waiting painfully highlighted his pulsing need. Even when he finally dared to move, it was in shallow, wavering thrusts.

“Stop holding back”, Hijikata commanded in his no-nonsense voice, the strained tone and nails boring into Gintoki’s skin betraying his physical discomfort despite his bravado. In Gintoki’s defense, he tried to argue back and be a gentleman but before he had a chance to, this madman bit his collarbone and he lurched forward violently, both of them hissing when he fully slid into Hijikata.

He leaned down, wanting to somewhat ease and distract Hijikata from the pain of when they became one with an open-mouthed kiss. Gintoki gasped for breath around the other's lips, his hands trying to find purchase on the futon as the sensation turned his limbs into jelly. Then they started moving together and against each other, slowly, more inexpertly than Gintoki would usually give himself credit for. Pretty blue eyes and a strong jawline clearly threw him off his game. 

He rocked into Hijikata with controlled strokes that lengthened gradually, and Hijikata in turn met his rhythmic movements. As their breathing grew more ragged, he felt the Shinsengumi officer’s legs hook around his waist, shins pressing him closer. The rough material of the socks, forgotten on his feet in their haste, scratched against his sides as Hijikata’s hips lifted slightly off the futon.

_Heh, so that’s how it is. You're enjoying this enough to wordlessly ask for more. Lucky you because Gin-san would never disappoint his fans._

So he blew all caution to the wind, and with it restraint, gripping Hijikata’s hips to keep him still, thrusting into him with wild abandon. Sweat beaded on his forehead and mingled with what he could vaguely make out as a light sheen on Hijikata's chest. He in turn gripped at Gintoki’s sweat-drenched back, fingernails probably leaving red streaks across his skin, and muffling broken words against his shoulder that soon turned into subdued cries as his pleasure peaked. 

_If you don't stop that your voice alone will undo me._

There was something about Hijikata clinging to his body as if he wanted it forever, as if this wasn't just for one night of purely selfish release. The thought caused a shapeless feeling to rise in Gintoki’s chest as he felt his throat constrict and his climax approach. There was no way he would be able to last much longer with the memory of Hijikata, flushed and dazed and alluringly out of sorts after a handjob, replaying in his mind like a broken record. If Gintoki would've been able to see his expressions while buried deep inside him like now, he would've likely already lost all control over himself. But despite the risk of cutting his endurance short, he desperately wished he could properly admire Hijikata underneath him. Stubborn ass having to play hide and seek in the dark!

In the end he couldn't tell what it was precisely that sent him over the edge: Hijikata moaning in the throes of ecstasy as he came for the second time that evening, or the feeling of something hot spilling over Gintoki’s hand that pumped Hijikata’s member almost in unison with his own erratic strokes. Either way, the pleasure coiled between his legs and then crescendoed in a starburst of white, temporarily leaving his mind blissfully blank as he came hard with a shuddering groan. 

He continued to weakly rock into Hijikata, savoring the way he clenched around him, not quite ready to pull out yet and face the post-sex awkwardness that would undoubtedly follow. Couldn't they just keep on doing this instead? Perhaps throw some ropes or handcuffs into the mix? This sure wasn't 50 Shades of Silver but perhaps he could talk him into some light bondage? Before long Gintoki found himself getting hard again while he was still moving slowly inside of him. 

Hijikata didn't fail to notice either. 

A hand that had until now clutched his shoulder snaked into his hair and fisted some of it in a commanding grip. "What do you think you're doing, Yorozuya?" 

"You", Gintoki gave back pointedly. "Isn't that much obvious? Gin-san's hurt, I really tried hard to make you realize I'm having sex with you." 

"That's not the only thing that's har-", Hijikata started to say before his words were swallowed by a surprised yelp when Gintoki turned him over on his hands and knees without once pulling out, his hips pressing firmly against his backside. 

“Stop…it", Hijikata wheezed out, the new angle apparently hitting even deeper and making his breath come out in small huffs. 

Set aflame by the idea of taking the Vice-Chief from behind, Gintoki impatiently drove into him a couple of times. 

He received a few slaps against whatever spots Hijikata could reach in his position. “No no, I mean it, stop already! I can't take any more than this. Uh, what was the word again…mayoland!!"

Gintoki’s manhood immediately deflated like a popped balloon. 

"I can't believe you'd do this to me." He winced and pulled out, throwing himself on the futon next to where Hijikata collapsed on his stomach in exhaustion. Propped on one elbow, he could make out the sweat-drenched locks plastered to Hijikata’s forehead from this short distance, and how his chest pressed into the blanket with each deep intake of air. Even with what little of him was illuminated by the pale moonlight, he looked downright ethereal.

"I have such bad taste", Gintoki complained, the hand covering his face in mock-disgust reflecting his inherent need to cover up his true feelings about Hijikata’s looks.

"Glad you're finally acknowledging that but is there something you wanna say to my face?”

"Yeah, I regret to inform you that I'll have to give this lay a low rating.” 

The sharp blaze of Hijikata’s eyes, who as predicted was incensed by the comment. “What the hell??” 

“That's right, you heard me. I won't recommend sleeping with you to anyone." Gintoki sat back up, to be more prepared in case a fist would come raining down on him. "Should someone try to navigate to 'banging Hijikata Toushirou' then they will find my zero star review on g**gle maps. Y'know, to keep people far away from y- well, from the stupid idea of jumping into bed with you."

Too late to correct himself; Hijikata had already picked up on the Freudian slip. Slow on the uptake he may be but as soon as it was to Gintoki’s disadvantage, he developed an instinct for sensing whatever Gintoki would prefer to keep concealed. 

“Are you sure about that?" 

He pricked up his ears upon hearing the teasing tone that was laced into Hijikata’s voice, one he would've interpreted as flirtatious if he hadn't been so convinced that the policeman's way of flirting was to stare at the floor and shuffle his feet while talking about his mayo obsession. However, Hijikata surprised him by boldly climbing into his lap, strong thighs on either side, and taking his face into both his hands. 

_Ah_ , Gintoki thought, heart pounding wildly when Hijikata pulled him closer to unhurriedly press a kiss against his lips, no teeth, no claws this time, a kiss which Gintoki was a little too eager to return. 

_This can't end well_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long chapter - you all deserve it considering that updating took me more than a month this time. Not gonna lie, I don't have the best track record of finishing multi-chapter fics. I believe one reason I am still working hard on completing this one is reading everyone's comments, which gives me great bursts of motivation. Thank you for all your support ;w;
> 
> After I had briefly considered returning to the overall plot in this chapter, I decided to give them a break and not torture them too much for once. Those of you who are reading for the naughty bits probably won't complain -consider it a Christmas present <3


	10. Casually breaking the casual rules of your casual relationship might mean you’re casually in too deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explicit content when the flashback scene starts, in case anyone wants to skip that.

Here's the thing: Gintoki could do casual. Or rather, he was an expert at the art of casual. It was in his blood and how he went about life in general, really. There was picking up casual work - or not, most of the time, which was the reason he treated himself to a bowl of Uji-Gintoki-don under a parasol in front of the shop right now, sizzling in his own sweat, when he should've technically joined the kids for a job of...there, he just casually forgot what it was they were supposed to do! A real professional through and through at doing casual. 

There was casual drinking with casual drinking buddies, which sometimes led to losing said buddies at one point throughout the night under tables or on top of vending machines, and without fail led to casually spending all of his cash in the same night. _Casual_ ties were part of every professional casual lifestyle, otherwise they wouldn’t be called that way.

Even his crushes tended to be casual. As a general rule, he didn't allow anything beyond superficial idolatry, as with his worshipping of Ketsuno Ana. Nothing that could become too personal and turn into another attachment whose loss he would have to mourn if things went wrong. He already had more than enough of those. It was easier to not let it get that far in the first place. You couldn't lose what you didn't own.

Taking all of that into account, it was safe to say that Gintoki could do one casual night of fooling around with his...actually, what exactly were they now? Friends with benefits? Didn’t that presuppose them being, well, _friends_? He couldn’t imagine being invited to Hijikata’s birthday party by Momma Gori or planning a fun evening of going to the movies together - at least not on purpose instead of accidentally running into each other as they usually did. Fuck buddies then? Despite the flavour of sweet azuki beans in his mouth, the expression left a bitter aftertaste.

Strictly speaking, he hadn't done it just once with his not-quite-friends-anyway-it’s-complicated-kind-of-rival. They had started out on that awfully noisy couch, just as an aperitif, followed by the main course in his bedroom. And as he was known to never take his meals without any dessert, it wasn’t too surprising that when Hijikata had gone to the kitchen for a glass of water, Gintoki had padded along and uhm...let's just say they found a much better use for the kitchen counter than cooking or baking. For the hand mixer as well. Don't ask about that one. Just don't. 

A few beans escaped the fate of ending up in his stomach as the chopsticks stopped their trajectory halfway to Gintoki’s mouth, hovering midair as images of that particular scene flooded his mind. No, he wasn’t drooling, and _if_ he was then it was because his favourite dish was literally right under his nose. 

It was all a-okay though even if it had happened more than once. After all, their agreement had been for one _night_ , not for the amount of times they went for it. As with most things, a nice poem for example, or the law in his personal experience, it was all just a matter of interpretation. In this case as to how far the rules could be bent. 

Except that they had not just bent the rules but downright broken them because it happened again a few days later, when Gintoki, without any ulterior motives of course, aimlessly wandered the streets for hours and Hijikata partrolled noticeably close to Kabukichou. And then it kinda happened again. Oh, and again. Not to forget that time it happened again. Basically, they were now finding themselves in a streak of oops-I-did-it-agains that would make Britney Spears pale in comparison.

Even so things were swell, splendid, totally fine! It _was_ fine because as has been established, Gintoki could do casual as they met up a second time, followed by a third and a forth and so on, against their initial arrangement and against their better judgment. Like a dissonant siren song Hijikata continued to draw him in, and every time he was the naive sailor jumping into the floods heedless of warnings about his own destruction. Good thing he could easily quit this any time he wanted to! By no means was he dependent on Hijikata’s smoky scent or on how reassuring his strong frame felt around him, and he certainly did not need to know when their next rendezvous would take place so he could count down the hours until then. 

No, he was a strong, independent man! One who caught neither colds (and therefore didn’t have to be pampered by two teenagers), nor feelings. 

He could do casual knowing that Hijikata would invariably leave at the break of dawn or just before. Whether it was at Gintoki’s house or in dim hotel rooms on those nights Kagura was in, they would fall asleep for a few hours with their backs to each other, or rather Gintoki pretending to be asleep while his ‘it's-complicated’ silently slipped out. But on some mornings he wondered what it would be like if Hijikata stayed instead. If it would make any difference to how they both pretended that everything was normal when the Yorozuya group and the Shinsengumi crossed paths the next day. It goes without saying that they were keeping their clandestine meetings hidden from their friends and acquaintances. What would they have told them anyway? 

He listlessly picked at his food, his Uji-Gintoki-don not hitting the spot as much as it usually did.

This was a no strings attached affair, so he tried not to mind that most times they did it in complete darkness, and on one occasion with makeshift blindfolds when the brightness of the neon signs just outside the hotel where they met dictated it. While Gintoki was all about endorsing kinks, Hijikata's open refusal to _see_ him made him feel shut out. Worse, as if the other man couldn't accept Gintoki’s identity as the man he brought to bed. As if the mere thought was too loathsome. Tch, this hot piece of ass was the best thing that could happen to this uptight guy! 

In any case he never got to see as much of a view as Hijikata had granted him that very first night, perhaps because embarrassment got the better of him afterwards. When he closed his eyes now he could watch the moment unfold once more.

* * *

Gintoki stepped back from the clothesline that spanned the width of the narrow laundry room. A small puddle was forming underneath Hijikata’s pants which he had washed and hung up to dry, a constant _drip drip_ on the stone floor.

When he reentered the living room, he found Hijikata sitting on top of his work desk in the borrowed white yukata with swirls on blue ground. Gintoki was about to proudly declare that his uniform was drying without anything having blown up when he noticed that his temporary guest was reading - get ready for this - one of his Jump editions while he was waiting. The sight was about as unlikely as Sadaharu eating with a fork and knife. Only his profile was turned towards him so he hadn’t noticed Gintoki’s return yet. A rare opportunity to sneak some surreptitious looks at the beautiful bastard. Yes, he was ready to admit that out of all of Hijikata’s frustrating traits, his magnetizing beauty was perhaps the most frustrating. 

Manga in one hand, a lit cigarette loosely rested in between his other’s index and middle finger, eyes glued to the pages in uninterrupted concentration. The first rays of sunlight after their long night together spilled through the large window behind him, tinting the tips of his dark hair bright red, glinting off his straight nose. Specks of dust floated in the warm light around him. The scene was so sublime that Gintoki was convinced that the man had just stepped out of a painting. Mona Hijikata, oil on canvas. 

Slender fingers brought the cigarette to Hijikata’s lips for him to take a drag. Gintoki couldn't help but take note of how his fingernails were neatly trimmed and well manicured. His eyes closed in silent enjoyment, long black lashes kissing his cheeks. Not quite the anti-smoking image policy makers had in mind when they decided to print deterring pictures on cigarette packages. 

Hijikata let go of the breath in a cloud of billowing smoke, and then did something most unexpected when he found the line where he had left off: He laughed! 'Laugh' was perhaps an overstatement when in reality it was more of a puff of air Hijikata released in response to something funny he must have just read. But his face. His face. It lit up and his eyes crinkled at the corners as his mouth turned upwards. In that moment Gintoki was hit by the unsettling realization that he wouldn't mind seeing him like that more often: Peaceful and unguarded here in his living quarters, and not least with Gintoki’s own clothes hanging a little loosely around his lithe body. 

How fortunate that he could handle casual so well, right?

He stepped across the threshold and announced his presence: “Looks like even the serious Demon Vice-Chief does not scorn some superb Jump comedy.”

Hijikata started like a boy caught with his hand in the mayo-filled cookie jar and shut the magazine with a slapping noise. “I was only laughing because it’s so ridiculous”, he said, too defensively for the objection to be taken seriously.

“ ‘s that so?” Gintoki fell on the chair right in front of him, sitting so close that Hijikata’s knees brushed against his chest. When his arms encircled his midriff, he flinched a second time. So jumpy. “A look in the mirror must have you hunched over wheezing on the floor then.” 

Hijikata’s gaze grazed where his hands were resting on his waist. “Your words of a schoolyard bully and actions are contradicting each other.”

“That’s because this is too good a look on you to miss out on.” Gintoki tugged at the yukata’s material but what he thought of was the flash of a smile he had witnessed. 

Hijikata’s cheeks were rosed by the glowing morning sun - or something else entirely. He quickly hid behind the manga. 

“Aren’t you just indirectly complimenting your tacky fashion style?”

“Maybe so...”, Gintoki said with a laugh at his sudden shyness. He cupped his chin in a hand, the other arm hanging loosely over Hijikata’s lap as his eyes followed the dip in between his clavicles to the curve of his pectoral muscles and _quite_ a bit down until his chest disappeared in the shadows of the yukata. Somebody really ought to teach him how to dress modestly sometime but it sure as hell wouldn’t be Gintoki in this particular moment and with this particular view. 

"But there’s also something about the idea of messing you up while you're wearing my clothes”, he added after a pause.

Hijikata took a peek over the edge of the Jump edition, his scowl a stark contrast to Luffy’s broad grin on the front. “You’re insatiable.”

Gintoki matched the ear-to-ear grin on the glossy cover. “Like a starved Yato who hasn’t eaten in two full hours.” He leaned forwards, nudging the clothes further apart with his nose. "I'm greedy and just thought of something I haven't had a taste of yet." He looked up at Hijikata from his position, poking the inside of his cheek with his tongue so it made a bulge. That would help him get his drift. 

"Wait." With a resolute push, Hijikata stopped his descent at about the level of his navel. "Do you remember what you asked last night when our heads collided?" 

Ooof, this guy had some nerve, assuming Gintoki had the brain capacity to remember anything with his face this close to such an immodest place. He squinted up at him in concentration, or the lack thereof. “Care to jog my memory?”

“When you made a joke and asked about my head.” It took him considerable effort to repeat what Gintoki thought had been a side-splitting remark on his part. Even now, he found it hilarious how Hijikata grimaced around the word ‘joke’, as if to imply that he thought of them as a pure waste of time. As if his own life wasn’t one. 

"About that question, I cannot give you a certified answer…”, Hijikata continued, pulling him up by his wrists as he himself also rose to stand. Before Gintoki could ask what the hell he was doing, Hijikata took his position on the chair while he pushed him onto the desk, effectively reversing their positions. “…but I thought I could let you be the judge of that." 

Gintoki’s eyes went wide, to a comical extent undoubtedly, with what he seemed to be hinting at. "You don't have to-" 

"You can't tell me what I have or don't have to do, sugar freak", he cut him off. His eyes met Gintoki’s, steady and unwavering. The first beams of sunlight crept through the window right behind him now, illuminating his outline in flaming red. 

"I don't have to but I _want_ to." His voice dropped towards the end of the sentence, in a way that made blind heat pound in Gintoki’s core, right between his legs. Or perhaps it was how Hijikata promisingly pushed and pulled a little at his clothes. Who knew, who knew.

_Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk to you about always ending up thirsty as hell for this mayo freak again._

He noticed that Hijikata had laid even more conviction into this proclamation of 'wanting' compared to last night when Gintoki had needed to hear him say that he was in on this thing of theirs of his own volition. And if Hijikata should ever catch wind of this blasted bet - one Gintoki was losing because he was running out of time - it was good to remind him that he wanted this just as much. 

Want. A very human way of expressing a desire, Gintoki found, imbued with a greedy urgency. He liked the raw honesty of the word rather than having to hope that he was interpreting Hijikata’s body language correctly. 

Hijikata’s bare hand wrapped around his length and oh the bastard, he- well, not exactly _smiled_ because such facial acrobatics weren’t in his repertoire when he knew he was being watched. But there was mischief sparkling in his eyes, at the way Gintoki’s breath grew short and heavy, at the way not only his fingers twitched. Who could hold it against him? It was the very first time Hijikata found the nerve to touch him there and he could see the effect he was having on Gintoki now that he had come out on top, quite literally. Well, just this once at least. He better not got too comfortable in that position.

That aside, there was absolutely no way this guy had ever done something this serviceable in his entire life. “Look, you don't even know how to-”, Gintoki started.

Hijikata leaned down so unexpectedly fast that Gintoki’s only warning was his warm breath hitting the head of his half-hard arousal before he took him in, hesitantly at first, then all the way. The image was causing such a sensory overload in Gintoki’s brain that he had to squeeze his eyes shut, his head tilting back. 

"Ah- oh. _Ohh_. That was your best comeback ever. Remember that one", he panted, his hips bucking up before he could prevent it. Hijikata made a choking sound and stilled for a second as his breathing became a little panicked. The wary reaction confirmed what Gintoki had assumed: He had never done this before.

Not that it stopped him in the least. He was by no means graceful about the whole thing, the tentativeness and occasional scrape of his teeth against skin giving away his inexperience. But by all that was keeping Gintoki sane - it truly wasn’t much right about now - it felt mind-blowingly amazing. Certainly not because of his technique though. Gintoki would happily sacrifice some of his time to teach him some hands-on (get it heh) experience just to show Mr Vanilla how it was done. But that being said, the knowledge that it was the same rigid rule follower who had his hips pinned to his office desk and who wrapped his hand more tightly around his base now had Gintoki seeing stars behind his eyelids. His hands blindly found their way into Hijikata’s silky hair, pulling him further down, more carefully this time as to not scare him off. 

Hijikata complied with the wordless prompt, and Gintoki jolted when he suddenly sucked on him with more determination, his tongue sliding along the underside of his erection. Perhaps the assessment of his technique had been premature, get the grading sheet out once more! Gintoki stretched out one leg, the sole of his foot rubbing in between Hijikata’s legs, who in turn let out a long and low moan around him. The vibrations shot through Gintoki’s body with such an intensity that he rolled his hips into the sensation while his thighs started to tremble violently on either side of Hijikata’s head.

“Dfon’t dftrfract fme”, he mumbled around all of Gintoki currently in his mouth. 

“Ahh don’t- really now, weren’t you taught not to talk...with your mouth full?”, Gintoki shot back, albeit with some difficulty. A coy smile slipped into place despite being utterly in Hijikata’s hands - literally so.

And then he did something he shouldn't have. I mean honestly, he should’ve known that he would regret his next decision but curiosity got the better of him. He cracked open one eye and looked down at Hijikata. And Hijikata...ah well, _Hijikata_. He just did his thing, the one where he looked out of this world. Did this guy have a sudden glow-up at one point or had he always been so drop-dead gorgeous? Perhaps he just looked better right there between his legs. He had closed his eyes, focusing completely on the, uh, task at hand. It seemed that Hijikata as a lover and his work attitude had one thing in common: In both cases he was giving his undivided attention. 

As if he felt the weight of his gaze, Hijikata abruptly looked up at him through his lashes, eyes half-lidded. At this very moment it felt that he was looking intently at Gintoki, really _looking_ at him instead of pretending not to see him. While continuing to slide Gintoki in and out of his mouth, he opened it slightly further around him, temptingly, his sultry eyes boring into his, signifying that he knew he was being watched and that he did not mind the attention. 

_No no no, you can’t do that to meeee! It’s bad enough when you’re unwittingly sexy but if you’re now learning how to use your appeal, then I’m done for!_

Gintoki felt like coming undone on the spot from the sensual sight alone but that would've of course insulted his prowess as a man and he wouldn’t let-

\- okay, yeah yeah, so that was exactly how it ended. Hijikata barely had the chance to resume his ministrations and to take him in deeper yet. It all proved to be too much too quickly. Gintoki’s whole body tensed, hands balling in fistfuls around Hijikata’s hair, before he came with a drawn-out groan. And without the slightest warning. 

_...upsy-daisy?_

Afterwards they sat with their backs leaned against the side of the desk, spent and with exhaustion etched into every bone. Gintoki wondered how he was supposed to look at the piece of furniture in the future without remembering this glorious morning when they found a much better use for it than resting his feet on the surface. 

Hijikata smoked with a surly expression. Which wasn't an unusual sight but the dark cloud of cigarette smoke around his head seemed more sinister and threatening than it ought to be. “Pretty sure there’s some unwritten rule to warn a guy", he said, pointedly not looking at Gintoki.

“I apologized, didn’t I? Life’s full of surprises, get used to it. Not everything is as strictly regulated as in your Shinsendummy’s Kyokuchuu Hatto.” 

"You're the dummy", he retorted without any of the usual venom. 

The fatigue made Gintoki’s head feel wobbly on his neck, like one of those bobbleheads people who were lucky and rich enough to own a car sometimes presented on their dashboards. He was getting too old for all-nighters. When his neck swiveled towards Hijikata, he saw that he looked as exhausted as he sounded. His eyelids drooped over his eyes like curtains that were too heavy. It probably wasn’t surprising seeing how patrol duty started early in the morning, so the Shinsengumi officer had been up for more than 24 hours.

Gintoki poked his temple. "Is that the best comeback you've got?" 

"No." Hijikata blew a gust of smoke right into his face. Rude, arrogant, insufferable-

"That would be my mouth on your dick, remember?" 

The statement surprised Gintoki so much that he coughed and spluttered, at the delectable memory but even more so at Hijikata saying something so outrageous in this nonchalant manner. Must be his sleep-deprivation speaking, right? 

“Hey hey, since when is the upstanding Vice-Chief the kind of person to crack such off-colour jokes?”

Hijikata, whose chin had drooped down towards his chest, jolted awake and blinked rapidly. “It’s because you’re a bad influence.”

“What are we, children on a playground? Is your mum gonna pay mine a visit to complain that I’m not good for her son? Will-”

His comedy routine was interrupted by a head landing against his shoulder with a soft thud. Dumbstruck, he stared at Hijikata, this time passed out for good and with all of his defenses down. His propped up arm was going limp in his sleep, so Gintoki quickly snatched the smouldering cigarette out of his grasp before it could burn his skin - or worse, a hole into the beautiful yukata he was allowed to wear. The man’s cheek was squished against his shoulder blade, and small puffs of breath ghosted along Gintoki’s neckline. 

Despite himself, he felt his heart pick up speed, bounding and skipping and cartwheeling inside his chest. Not exactly an unfamiliar reaction after having spent copious amounts of time in Hijikata’s presence, except this time it was not pounding at the thought of sleeping with him.

Oh noes. 

Gintoki could do causal alright.

* * *

A shadow fell over Gintoki’s face. Hopefully just a cloud obstructing the sun. Then a weight settled on the bench next to him. Urgh, just his luck. Grudgingly leaving the most memorable highlights of his flashback behind, he opened his eyes and regarded the unexpected company.

"Oh, Zura." 

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura", came the automatic response, more reliable than an atomic clock. The Joui rebel eyed the nearly finished bowl of food on Gintoki’s lap and then started picking at something in the crevice between two of the bench’s wooden slats. 

“Oho Gintoki, you dropped a sweet bean there.” 

“It’s not sweet bean, it’s bug. That ‘bean’ clearly has six legs.”

"I've never heard of bug beans, are they an Amanto import? Let's have a try..."

"...it's also still moving", Gintoki tried feebly but the insect had already made its acquaintance with the inside of Zura's mouth. Crunch. Oh, cruel world. This new season of Shingeki no Bugs was already proving intense.

"Hm.” The moron moved the bug from one side of his mouth to the other with his tongue. “I didn't know that beans could be this crispy", is how he judged his culinary experience. 

"Hope the texture doesn't _bug_ you.”

At this rate Zura would not be the only one to make a guest appearance; the undigested lunch in his belly was on standby and just waiting to make an abominable comeback all over his and Zura’s feet. 

The cold-blooded bug murderer crossed his arms and gave him a long meaningful glance. It was this intense scrutiny, as if he knew all your secrets, that could intimidate someone who had never met Zura. Unfortunately, Gintoki couldn't claim this status of distant acquaintances for himself. 

"Is there something on my face?" Like hell would he browbeaten by a guy who couldn’t tell a bug and food apart.

"Nothing but that giveaway glow on the face of a man who pursues what he loves. That’s why I wanted a quick tête-à-tête with you.”

Heh, look at him pretending to know smart words. He definitely looked that one up beforehand, there was no way Zura knew any French...or Spanish? On second thought, what _did_ that fancy word mean? 

"So Gintoki, from samurai to samurai: I accept your decision." He proudly thrust up his chin in some sort of magnanimous gesture.

Well, that was all fine and dandy, except that the only decision Gintoki had made recently was to pass out in front of the TV tonight after one ice cream too many with a resulting brain freeze, and he hadn't formally informed Zura about these major life decisions in a newsletter yet. 

"Listen, I had a long day of…", Gintoki’s gaze dropped down on his bowl "...of not doing all that much, I suppose, so can you skip the long-winded intro in which you pretend to be omniscient and cool, and tell me outright what you mean?" 

"I wouldn’t approve of fraternizing with the enemy under normal circumstances but you have my blessing", Zura continued, as always not answering questions directed at him, instead merrily monologuing ahead as if he was the centre of the universe. Maybe you automatically were with hair so smooth and shiny. "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. You could gather intel that way and relay it to me.” He nodded with a hand on his chin. “Clever. Yes, it makes sense, I suppose."

_YOU are not making any sense, though!_

"So tell me, Gintoki. How's your attempt of winning over the Shinsengumi’s Vice-Commander going?”

_Wait...eh? What the hell...ehhhhhhhhhh?_

Gintoki’s first reaction was to get up, utter a pterodactyl screech, thus attracting an actual flock of pterodactyls to carry him away, then flee the country, change his name, get a facial operation, straighten and dye his hair to become fully unrecognizable and to never be heard of ever again. His body, on the other hand, did not even make it to step one, so he was effectively limited to his eyelids twitching in an uncontrollable spasm.

Zura’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline at seeing his reaction, then he winked slowly and hesitantly. 

"I wasn't winking at you, nutcase!” The bowl smashed over Zura’s head lent weight to his grievances.

Said nutcase ignored the thin stream of blood trickling down his forehead and immediately reverted to their earlier topic of conversation: “Is violence how you swayed the Vice-Chief as well? Have you sealed the deal yet?” With how Zura waited expectantly, it became apparent that Gintoki would sooner win the lottery and become a millionaire than be rid of this guy currently sticking to him like a leech.

"Well uh..we uhm…did it?”

Zura’s eyes glinted like a kid’s at a birthday party. "Ohhh well done, that's Gintoki for you! I bet you had a fun night?”

_Is this guy for real??_

“I- well… I guess we- ... _nights_ , actually.”

“So you went at it several times already, way to go!”

“Can we return to the time and space where asking such questions was deemed rude and intrusive? I liked it better there.”

“How could you say that when I was the one to stand you up after arranging to meet in Yoshiwara?” Zura’s smile was conspiratorial. “When I purposefully made frequent appearances in the area, leading the Demon Vice-Commander right into your arms?”

Gintoki’s head was reeling. “But- how did you know about us?”

His response was a boisterous laugh, as if he had just asked what the colour of grass was. “Hahahahaha! Don’t be ridiculous.” More seriously, he added: “You're my oldest friend, Gintoki. Do you really think I'd be too blind to notice your true feelings?” 

_Zura…_

Gintoki couldn’t deny it: A part deep inside of him was touched, at someone noticing his struggles and on top of that resolving to aid him. Maybe there was more to Zura and his ridiculousness than met the eye after all.

Zura chuckled knowingly. "I am perfectly aware that you wanted to play uno with him for a long time now.”

_Uno? Could you be any more misleading??_

He gave him a thumbs up that was likely supposed to be encouraging but enraged Gintoki instead, and then lived up to his name of Runaway Kotarou, making off in a jiffy.

And that could’ve been the end of the unpleasant interlude in Gintoki’s otherwise chill day. But when he turned around, he saw that the space next to him was already occupied again and he caught on to why Zura had made himself scarce so suddenly.

“Oi oi, is today the day of unwanted company? I should charge you lot for taking up my time. That’ll be a thousand yen per minute.”

“You could just hand in your Joui friend who was here a second ago and on whose head there’s a generous bounty”, Sougo suggested, sadist extraordinaire and the very reason why Gintoki found himself in such an awkward situation (aka repeatedly in bed with Hijikata). He watched him stretch out both arms over his head with his signature red eye mask in place.

“So you saw the guy you’ve been unsuccessfully trying to catch for years and didn't even try to chase after? No wonder you knobheads keep failing at your job.” He wiped his forehead with a wide sleeve of his kimono and startled inwardly when he found the entire Pacific Ocean of sweat soaking through the material. “And here I thought justice never sleeps.”

“I’m on break right now.”

“Even if _you_ sleep, crime doesn’t.”

The nightmare in human form scoffed. “You are sounding like my superior who should hurry up and die.”

He slipped off the mask, revealing lazy and perpetually indifferent eyes. Gintoki didn’t buy the poker face. If the 1st Division Captain of the Shinsengumi was here to pay him a visit then there was a good reason for that. Nothing the brat did was without intention, and more often than not involved carefully laid out murder plots.

“Speaking of my superior who should drown in a flood of ketchup instead of mayo so he won't even enjoy his last seconds on earth..." Sougo slowly turned his head towards him and Gintoki knew that he was in mortal danger. 

_Oh no._

The mere mention of Hijikata made his stomach clench into a tight knot, the palms of his hands immediately turning sweaty and his breathing more shallow. Knees weak, arms spaghetti, the full package. In other words, just your regular PE at Shouka Sonjuku and any other school that ever existed. Still, for him to be reacting this extremely...one could almost be fooled into believing that Gintoki was in too deep. Haha.

"Your month of proving that there's something behind your bragging is almost up. Today's the last day", Sougo said while holding up a finger and wriggling it around in front of his face. Tch, as if he was too stupid to count to one! 

“I am capable of reading a calendar." Gintoki returned the blank stare. Two could play at this game. This insolent brat was ten years too early to get a rise out of him. 

"Then you’ll know that I’m still waiting for those pictures I planned to use as a bribe against Hijikata-san."

“What, that old bet? Even the readers have forgotten that we made one.”

“Not me." His gaze was unblinking, peeling back layer after layer of Gintoki’s very soul. Damn, the kid was good. 

The thing was, no matter how Gintoki looked at it he was sort of caught between a rock and a hard place. Either he took a picture during one of his makeout sessions with the idiot cop, one of their adrenaline-fueled, intoxicating, _very_ nice - ahem, he was digressing. Anyway, as soon as he would send the photo to Sougo, he might receive a year’s worth of parfaits but the miscreant would spill the beans after the end of their little bet, thus incurring Hijikata’s eternal wrath and ruining this good thing he and Gintoki had going on. But if he lost the bet, Sougo would also spill the beans after the end of their little bet, thus incurring Hijikata’s eternal wrath and ruining this good thing he and Gintoki had going on. Checkmate.

There had been enough spilling of beans today. If only he could tell Hijikata the truth before his underling had a chance to. But how was he supposed to explain that their hookup was based on a spontaneous and superficial bet, especially to a man who already popped a vein when he saw someone jaywalk? 

All Gintoki knew with certainty was that he wasn’t ready for their thing to end yet.

Sougo rested his chin in a hand, never leaving him out of his eyes. “You know, with how much time you need to get this done, one could believe you’re not as much of a ladykiller as you claimed. Or man-eater, in this case, I suppose.” His eyes narrowed, not in sudden suspicion but in a calculated move that was meant to put the screws on him. “Unless there is something else holding you back?”

A brief exchange they had shared during the summer festival popped into Gintoki’s head.

_"You just wait, I might surprise you yet."_

And Sougo’s reply.

_"Perhaps not quite as much as you might still think right now."_

Gintoki hadn’t really thought much of it at the time, shrugging it off as one of Sougo’s unnecessarily ominous comments. If there’s one thing about this brat he should’ve known though then it was that his threats were never empty. 

But come on now, there was now way the wretch could have guessed at this outcome all along, right? He couldn't have possibly known that within all the initially fake attempts to ‘seduce’ Hijikata, something real would steal into Gintoki’s charade. He thought of Hijikata’s smile as he read, private and real when he felt unobserved. No, not something small. Something that was starting to pervade everything Gintoki thought or did.

He realized that he was suddenly doing an awful job at hiding his emotions as something, always this vague _something_ in him threatened to overflow. Putting his head into both hands, he pretended to wipe his sweaty forehead but actually just wanted to hide the pained expression he must have been wearing. “Can you just give me some more time?”

_Just a little more time with him._

“Hm, why would I agree to that? I’m not gaining anything from giving you more time.”

“Give this old man a break, would ya?”

“You're playing the old man card only when it’s convenient for you, danna.”

“That’s what all old people do. We don’t like to be reminded of our hurtings backs and deteriorating eyesight but it’s a great excuse to get out of things.” He looked up when he felt that he had his features somewhat under control again. “You did say yourself that he’s a hard nut to crack.”

“Wouldn’t _you_ know about Hijikata-san’s nuts?”

Yep, the kid definitely knew. And probably had known what he was doing from the moment he challenged him. In a way, Gintoki had lost this bet before it had even started.

* * *

"Can you give me something strong to knock me out?”, Gintoki offered to the crowd currently present at Otose’s Snack Bar by means of a greeting. The ‘crowd’ consisted of Tama dutifully sweeping the floor and the dragon herself blowing smoke out of her nostrils. It was too early in the day for the regular customers to be filling the bar stools so Gintoki happily took this task upon himself. He let his upper body fall forwards until his cheek rested against the wooden counter smelling of years and years of liquor soaking into every crack. 

“I’m sure one of Tama's missiles can knock you out. Tama dear, would you-”

"Wait, wait, wait!!” He flailed his arms to signal that while he felt like death warmed up, he was too young and beautiful for _actual_ death. “I was thinking of something served in a glass with ice.”

"Our Tama can arrange your demise in any way you wish.” 

“Can we stick to alcohol, ice, without the demise?”

“Look at you rhyming like a poet.”

“Look at you pouring me some booze like the owner of a bar.”

“Do you even have any money to pay?”

“Don’t be stingy, granny, and put it on my tab.”

“You mean the same tab according to which you owe me four months of rent?”, Otose quipped, but she must have taken pity on his sorry sight because she sighed and selected a bottle from the shelf behind her. It was one of her cheapest liquors but it didn't matter, Gintoki deserved a pity treat! 

In the end, Sadist Jr had let him off with another month to win the bet, which was generous if you took it at face value. Gintoki had built up enough healthy distrust by now to know that it was likely to prolong the misery Sougo had glimpsed in him every so briefly. At least it would give Gintoki until the end of summer to break it off peacefully with Hijikata. By then both of them would probably tire of each other anyway and their thing would fizzle out naturally. Still, both the impromptu encounter with idiot number one and two had considerably soured his mood, which is why he had ended up strolling over to Otose’s to mope. All roads lead to the booze at Otose’s.

He watched her serve a drink in a low glass, the amber liquid sloshing around. Throwing his head back, he took a giant gulp.

"Speaking of ice, how's your lover with the frosty glare?”.

Otose’s casual question hit him so unprepared that the pleasant burn of the alcohol turned into a raging fire when it went down the wrong way. Half of it spilled all over his front when he coughed uncontrollably, trying to get an ounce of air into his lungs instead of liquor that tried to drown him.

"Here, let me help you, Gintoki-sama", the voice of his guardian angel sounded right next to him, having descended to come to his rescue and save his life. At least he thought it was an angel until Tama thumped his back with so much force that while every drop of alcohol left his lungs, so did all other liquids of his remaining internal organs. His head smashed into the counter with so much force that she might as well have been chopping wood with his forehead.

"What are you helping me with exactly??”, he yowled, rubbing the bruised spot. “Kicking the bucket? Winning one for the reaper?”

Conveniently, _suspiciously conveniently_ , Tama had already returned to her household chores. Otose, on the other hand, was still looking at him unmoved, seeming to wait for an answer.

“It _is_ the dark-haired police officer, isn’t it?”, she probed between two drags on her cigarette.

_Not here, too! This was supposed to be my sanctuary, held in the gentle embrace of two beautiful ladies, Sherry and Brandy._

“What would make you think _that_ ", he snorted with a forced sneer.

“I saw the Shinsengumi uniform when I crashed your private party a while ago. Out of the whole bunch, the two of you are always in each other’s face.”

“That’s because we have a healthy rivalry going on, old hag! Protagonists need a healthy rivalry. Pretty sure it was a basic requirement, although I skipped reading the manual." 

He peered wistfully at the nearly full bottle that Otose had used to pour the liquor. As much as he still craved the numbing effect of a good drop (or less than mediocre in this case), the risk of choking and being manhandled by the Terminator was not worth it. 

"Is ‘moving furniture’ across the room several times a week up there also part of that 'rivalry'?" She didn't have to make the air quotations. Gintoki could hear them alright. Shady old bat. 

“ _A healthy rivalry equals screwing_ has been added to Tama’s database."

“No, Tama! Bad Tama! That’s not even what has been said!! Not everything is about screws. Wait, I thought you were too busy sweeping to listen to my complaints about how violently you treated me. Just- delete that immediately from your database. Arghhh, you lot!" With the desperation of a man interrogated about his secret relations by the closest thing he had to family, he pressed the heels of his hands against his closed eyes. He had officially turned into a ranting Shinpachi. "And you granny: It's creepy to eavesdrop." 

"I wish I wasn't forced to, believe me." A furtive glance. “So how is it going?”

Avoiding eye contact, he pouted: "It's nothing serious."

He figured it was no use denying Hijikata's identity any longer if Otose had a newfound predilection for stalking him as well as who entered and left his house at odd hours of the night. 

"Hm. He does seem like the kinda guy who takes things quite seriously, though.”

Gintoki felt something shift in him at her words, like a melting glacier whose top layer was gliding off. It was true. Hijikata didn't like to do things half-assed. He didn’t treat any of his relationships, even the most rotten bond, in a half-assed manner either.

"There ain't a petty hill he isn't willing to die on" he agreed. "Last time I slipped him a note where to meet up and he returned it after having corrected my spelling."

"If it's nothing serious then why are you grinning like a schoolgirl?" 

He hadn't noticed it but fair enough, the corners of his mouth were pulled upwards as if by hooks. Or strings. The very strings of what was supposed to be a no strings attached relationship. So _what_ , he wasn't even allowed to have some fun now? 

“Just laughing at how stupid he is", he muttered in self-defense, tracing a pattern on the counter. If he wanted to get roasted, he'd go sit in an overheated sauna. 

"Sure." He watched her crush the remains of her cigarette in the ashtray. "Why him then if you don’t like his personality? Is it the uniform?”

He cringed so hard that it nearly broke his nose. "It's not the stupid uniform.”

_Not only._

"The stupid handcuffs then?"

There were a lot of things he wanted to say in response to that but his fortitude only sufficed for a horrified “Grannyyyy??” 

She shrugged one shoulder. "You forget that I was married to a cop once. I am well aware of the benefits.”

"Lalalalala, I don't want to hear any of that”, Gintoki yelled, covering his ears and wondering whether his day could get any worse.

“ _Handcuff kink_ has been added to the _Kinktoki File™_ ”, Tama’s voice declared. Never mind. Ketsuno Ana’s horoscope had not mentioned any mentally scarring degradation for Libras today.

His soul had already left his body, so he decided for his body to follow suit and leave the bar. Unfriended, unfollowed, blocked. Maybe he should put his plans of leaving the country and changing his identity into action. But before that - he stuck his head back in the door. “Not a word about this to anyone!" 

He liked to think that he sounded threatening - if he wasn't completely in the hand of an old woman who grinned demonically at his request. 

"That depends entirely on the punctuality with which you’ll pay your rent from now on.”

* * *

Okay, a quick evaluation of the facts: Zura, the traitorous Shinsengumi rat whose name he was too pissed to think of and Otose had been getting into his head, and alll of them on the same day. Well, Zura had technically assumed something altogether different between Gintoki and Hijikata, but despite that he had still seen _something_ in them and their interactions. The inconceivable conclusion: What if they were possibly on to something? 

And that’s how Gintoki had put on his investigation hat and now found himself at the local library behind one of the computers (because he resolutely refused to waste money on buying one for himself), already facing the first hurdle: Changing your name cost a buckload of money. What a pity. He sighed at seeing his preferred course of action already falling apart, so he switched to the other open tab. It definitely wasn’t a wikiHow guide on “How to Tell if You Genuinely Like Someone” because he was a grown man who did not have to rely on looking up his own feelings online.

Ahem, anyway, turning to step one of the definitely-not-wikiHow list:

  1. Determine if you leave a date with them feeling happy.



Well, that one was easy. All of their da- meetings were of a physical nature so obviously Gintoki left them in good spirits, feeling like the cat that's got the cream. Even when they fought and argued about random stuff in between the uh, y’know, the full-frontal bits. Especially then, in fact. Arguing was their second nature so it felt more authentically them. 

  1. Do you see things that remind you of them?



Nah, not really aside from the man's revolting obsessions that were simply unforgettable. And strawberries because of that one time Hijikata had snagged one of his and Gintoki had been very, very distracted by the way he had eaten it. The izakaya in Yoshiwara where he had made his move on him and that he visited from time to time just to chew over their situation. The red of a sunrise transforming the world for a few ephemeral moments as it did after their first night spent together.

So not that much, all things considered. 

  1. Do you feel excited when they call or text you?



Hah, joke’s on definitely-not-wikiHow! They had never exchanged any contact information so all booty calls were arranged in person, from meeting to meeting, or both of them falling behind inconspicuously if they by chance met in the street with their respective groups. So he couldn’t feel excited over a call or text! Take that!! Although if the question was whether he would _like_ to receive a call or text...

He reviewed the checklist and came to the following sobering conclusion: He was absolutely fucked. What if everyone he talked to today had known something that only dawned on him now? What if he was breaking the cardinal rule of a no strings attached relationship by being, well, kinda _attached_?

In an outburst of divine anger, he pierced the glass of his monitor with the end of his bokken, causing the teenage girl on the computer next to him to leap up with a screech and run to fetch someone in charge of this place. Whatever, Gintoki was used to being chucked out on his ear from half of Edo’s night establishments.

The much more pressing issue at hand was: Being head over heels for someone still counted as casual, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatever I said my longest chapter was, scrap it because THIS is it!
> 
> The scene with Hijikata reading manga on Gintoki's desk was actually inspired by a short comic I saw a while ago and I fell in love with the concept (I just uhm, developed the idea a bit further ;))
> 
> To finish, I will have to be honest and say that I am not entirely sure whether I will be able to finish this story ;_;  
> I still have ideas for another four chapters or so and in a way am very motivated to bring them to paper - or to Word in our digital age - but I really have been through hell and back emotionally and am not sure whether I will have the strength / concentration to work on it. Just finishing this one has been a struggle. Things might turn around for me and I might be in a better spot sooner than expected but I want to give a warning just in case this does not get any further updates. 
> 
> Please accept my eternal gratitude to all reviewers, especially the very obvious Hijikata simps and the really long and regular ones ♥ I do hope to bring this story to a full circle so I guess time will tell.


End file.
